BOSTON—According to a report released Friday by Harvard Business School, more U.S. companies are offering up to 12 weeks of paid maternity leave to mothers who complete three months of work ahead of time.

KANNAPOLIS, NC—Describing the practice as a fun way to liven up what are often routine and repetitive classes, local tae kwon do instructor Chris Fergus told reporters Friday he always gets a little thrill from partnering up two completely mismatched 8-year-olds during sparring sessions.

THE HEAVENS—Saying He was a very rigid and domineering Father in the years immediately following the Creation of Man, the Lord God Almighty admitted Monday He has been far less strict with His last few billion children.

EL SEGUNDO, CA―In a continued effort to make its iconic line of dolls more representative of today’s culture, Mattel announced the release Friday of its first male Barbie, which it hopes will inspire girls to dream about what it’s like to hold a top-ranking job in the workforce.

WASHINGTON—According to a report published this week by sociologists at American University, the vast majority of parents across the country are willing to entrust their children to anyone wearing a plush character costume.

Here are The Onion’s tips for discussing the difficult topic of racism with your child.

HOPEWELL, NJ—Trying unsuccessfully to ignore the child as he grasped his genitals between his thumb and index finger, wincing sources reported Wednesday that local boy Jacob Faldonna, 2, was really yanking on his penis hard.