17-Year Cicadas Horrified To Learn About 9/11
NEW YORK—Following their synchronized emergence this week after gestating underground since 1996, a colossal swarm of 17-year cicadas were horrified today to learn about ...
Sparrow Thinks It Might Have Caught Bird Flu After Puking Seeds All Morning
ANKENY, IA—After vomiting seeds for three straight hours this morning, a local sparrow told reporters it is worried it might have contracted the deadly ...
Thousands Of Eggs Pushed Out Of Nests After Birds Legalize Abortion
WASHINGTON—Following the Bird Supreme Court’s decisive 7-2 ruling to overturn the avian world’s longstanding anti-abortion law, millions of birds across the nation ...
Proud Species Commits Suicide Rather Than Be Driven To Extinction By Humans
COOS BAY, OR—Amidst rapidly deteriorating environmental conditions that have left the species in imminent danger of extinction, the world’s leatherback sea turtles announced ...
Horribly Depressed Zookeeper Has Always Had Special Connection With Animals
TULSA, OK—Saying that he has always perceived a “unique connection,” chronically depressed zookeeper Andrew Holcomb, 46, told reporters Wednesday that he shares a deep ...
