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    Grandiose Delusion Of Own Self-Importance Only Thing Keeping CEO Alive, Doctors Say

    GREENWICH, CT—Days after being admitted to the clinic’s intensive care unit, physicians at Greenwich Hospital relayed Thursday the improving condition of Invictus Mutual ...

    McDonald's Introduces New 6-Piece Chicken NcNoltes

    OAK BROOK, IL—Touting its latest menu offering as a grizzled, tough, and brashly exciting dining option, McDonald’s CEO Don Thompson officially launched the ...

    McDonald's Considering Franchising Restaurants After 70 Years Of Being Family Owned And Operated

    OAK BROOK, IL—More than 70 years after the opening of the first McDonald’s, the world’s largest fast food hamburger chain announced Thursday ...

    Financial Sector Thinks It’s About Ready To Ruin World Again

    NEW YORK—Claiming that enough time had surely passed since they last caused a global economic meltdown, top executives from the U.S. financial sector ...

    Ghost Of Alvah Roebuck Enjoying The Hell Out Of Sears’ Decline

    CHICAGO—Expressing a deep sense of delight and amusement at the corporation’s recently reported $279 million first-quarter loss, the ghost of Alvah C.

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    Adidas Unveils New Running Shoe For Fleeing From Mass Shootings

    NEW YORK—With the launch Tuesday of a massive nationwide ad campaign, athletic footwear manufacturer Adidas has officially unveiled the Adidas Bystander, the first shoe ...

    This Has To Be Year Local Miniature Golf Course Finally Goes Out Of Business

    WHITEHALL, NY—Claiming that the dilapidated, sun-bleached recreational facility had been on its last legs for years, local residents told reporters Monday that this has ...

    FAA Report: Spirit Airlines Is The Fucking Worst

    WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Tuesday by the Federal Aviation Administration, Spirit Airlines, the American low-cost air carrier, is the absolute fucking worst ...

    • Music: Great Job, Internet!: Here's an incredible archive of early gigs by 22 legendary artists

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