children

Nation's Moms Invent New Recreational Drug To Worry About 05.10.12

DENVER—A new illicit drug that is incredibly cheap, highly addictive, and extremely easy to produce is appearing in school yards across the country, the fevered imaginations of the nation's mothers who need something to fret over confirmed today. Th... more»

Homesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck Out 03.27.12

MEDFORD, OR—Considering that everyone else at Kevin Brown's sleepover party is having a great time and not freaking out about missing their mommies and daddies, 10-year-old Brandon Thompson needs to just man up and tough it the fuck out because this... more»

All Of Nation's Resources Dumped Into 50 Children Who Are Actually The Future 03.07.12

WASHINGTON—Stating it is time to rethink how the nation lays a foundation for a better tomorrow, President Barack Obama announced Wednesday that all of the federal government's resources will now be directed exclusively toward the 50 children who ac... more»

Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital 02.18.12

BELLEVUE, NE—Shortly after 8 a.m. Tuesday, Landon Matthew Crowley, a 7-pound, 14-ounce baby boy and the future warlord who will rule over the charred remnants of what was once the state of Nebraska, was welcomed into the world at Omaha's Methodist H... more»

Thomas The Tank Engine A Little Uneasy With His Broad Autistic Following

ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | News in Brief

ISLAND OF SODOR—Thomas the Tank Engine told reporters Tuesday that while he's glad trains are a source of fascination and joy for so many children, he often feels uncomfortable with the attention he receives from the autistic fans that make up the m... more»
Royal Welcome

ISSUE 48•08 | 02.20.12 | Editorial Cartoon
Nation Watches In Envy As 15-Year-Old Jots Notes In Margin Of 'To Kill A Mockingbird'

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.16.12 | News in Brief

WACO, TX—The nation gazed wistfully at high school sophomore Eliza Baker as she took notes in a dog-eared copy of Harper Lee’s To Kill A Mockingbird at a municipal bus stop Thursday. more»
Nation Refuses To Read Headline Beyond Words '4-Year-Old Girl Forced To'

ISSUE 48•07 | 02.15.12 | News

RAFFERTYVILLE, FL—According to reports coming in from around the country this morning, people are steadfastly refusing to read a news headline past the words "4-Year-Old Girl Forced To," with most saying they simply don't have it in them t... more»
Spanking Doesn't Work

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.09.12 | American Voices

A study published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal analyzed two decades of research and found that children who were punished physically became more aggressive over time, while those who weren't became less aggressive. more»
Panicked Crossing Guard Drags Dead Third-Grader To Adjacent Intersection

ISSUE 47•43 | 10.24.11 | Newswire
Shelby Cross Teaches Us How To Protect Our Children On Halloween, A.K.A. The Pedophiles' Christmas

ISSUE 47•43 | 10.24.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

Shelby Cross warns parents that by letting their children trick-or-treat door-to-door in fancy little costumes, they are sending their little ones straight into the greasy arms of waiting sexual predators. more»
Report: Only One In Every 150,000 Dead Children Becomes Angel

ISSUE 46•43 | 10.25.10 | News in Brief

CHICAGO—Contradicting long-held conventional wisdom, a report appearing this week in The Journal Of Theological Studies concludes that, among children who perish before the age of 4, only one in 150,000 becomes an angel. more»
Kid Ready To Start Playdating Again

ISSUE 46•29 | 07.22.10 | News

TAMPA, FL—"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous—after all, it's been a while since I've played spacemen with someone else," Kyle Gallagher said between small sips from a grape-juice box. "But I just can't worry about that kind of thing anymore. It's time to get back on that horse and see what's out there for me." more»
Spanking Leads To Aggressive Children

ISSUE 46•15 | 04.16.10 | American Voices

According to a study in the forthcoming issue of Pediatrics, 3-year-olds who are spanked more frequently are more likely to bully and hit at age 5. more»
Autistic Child Ruins Marriage He Was Born To Save

ISSUE 46•09 | 03.06.10 | News

HOUSTON—With the challenges accompanying his developmental disorder widening the already vast gulf between his parents, autistic child Evan Thomas, 3, continued this week to destroy the failing marriage he was brought into this world to save. more»
9-Pound Infant Barrels Way Down Birth Canal

ISSUE 46•09 | 03.03.10 | News in Brief

IDAHO SPRINGS, CO—Described by medical personnel as "a real whopper," a 9-pound infant came hurtling down the birth canal of 27-year-old... more»
Report: Baby Skull Jewelry May Be Linked To Violence

ISSUE 46•07 | 02.18.10 | In The Know

Panelists debate the validity of a new report which claims many decorative baby skulls are obtained by unlawful, inhumane means. more»
Scrappy Crew Of 'Good Morning America' Decides To Put On A News Show

ISSUE 46•07 | 02.18.10 | News

NEW YORK—"We're gonna write our own scripts and read from 'em and tell everyone in the whole world about stuff that's happening," said George Stephanopoulos, who had everybody line up to try their best newscaster voice. "I'm gonna talk about the president." more»
Missionaries Charged With Kidnapping In Haiti

ISSUE 46•05 | 02.08.10 | American Voices

Ten American missionaries were charged with kidnapping after trying to take 33 Haitian children—some orphans, some not—across the border to the... more»
'Lancet' Retracts Autism Paper

ISSUE 46•05 | 02.05.10 | American Voices

Citing the study's bad methodology, the British medical journal The Lancet retracted a 1998 paper that linked autism with the... more»
Nation's Strangers Decry Negative Portrayal Among Children

ISSUE 46•05 | 02.02.10 | News

WASHINGTON—"These days, it's almost impossible for a stranger to wake up in the morning, drive to a nearby park, and spend the afternoon quietly watching from the sidelines without young boys and girls immediately jumping to conclusions," said American Strangers Coalition president Paul Hughes. more»
Friendship Between Caterpillar, Horse Exploited For Cheap Children's Book

ISSUE 46•03 | 01.21.10 | News

BLACKSBURG, VA—The 22-page picture book, in which author Gerard Radler examines the pair's relationship, has quickly gained notoriety in literary circles, with detractors claiming the work oversimplifies the nuanced nature of the unlikely friendship and glosses over or omits a number of contentious incidents between the two. more»
Make-A-Reasonable-Request Foundation Provides Sick Child With Decent Seats To Minnesota Timberwolves Game

ISSUE 46•02 | 01.15.10 | News in Brief

MINNEAPOLIS—A dream nearly came true for leukemia patient Cody Patterson last week when the Make-A-Reasonable-Request Foundation provided... more»
Congo Approves Economic Stimulus Package Of AK-47 For Every Citizen

ISSUE 46•01 | 01.07.10 | Newsroom

Congo lawmakers are convinced the stimulus package will give Congolese the assault weapons they need to obtain clothes, food. more»
Antipsychotics Can Make Kids Fat

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.17.09 | American Voices

A study published in The Journal Of The American Medical Association found that children who take medication for severe psychiatric problems... more»
New Study Reveals Most Children Unrepentant Sociopaths

ISSUE 45•50 | 12.07.09 | News

MINNEAPOLIS—A study published Monday in The Journal Of Child Psychology And Psychiatry has concluded that an estimated 98 percent of children under the age of 10 are remorseless sociopaths with little regard for anything other than their own egocentric interests and pleasures. more»
'Sesame Street' Turns 40

ISSUE 45•49 | 12.02.09 | Infographic

The public broadcasting mainstay Sesame Street celebrated its 40th anniversary last month. Here are some highlights from... more»
Shared Memory Of Children's Television Show Leads To Sex

ISSUE 45•49 | 12.02.09 | News in Brief

PHILADELPHIA—A shared memory of the Nickelodeon series You Can't Do That On Television resulted in the act of sexual intercourse... more»
Biggest Mistake Of Life Dressed Up As Pumpkin

ISSUE 45•44 | 10.31.09 | News in Photos

children

Nation's Moms Invent New Recreational Drug To Worry About 05.10.12

Homesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck Out 03.27.12

All Of Nation's Resources Dumped Into 50 Children Who Are Actually The Future 03.07.12

Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital 02.18.12

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Thomas The Tank Engine A Little Uneasy With His Broad Autistic Following

Royal Welcome

Nation Watches In Envy As 15-Year-Old Jots Notes In Margin Of 'To Kill A Mockingbird'

Nation Refuses To Read Headline Beyond Words '4-Year-Old Girl Forced To'

Spanking Doesn't Work

Panicked Crossing Guard Drags Dead Third-Grader To Adjacent Intersection

Shelby Cross Teaches Us How To Protect Our Children On Halloween, A.K.A. The Pedophiles' Christmas

Report: Only One In Every 150,000 Dead Children Becomes Angel

Kid Ready To Start Playdating Again

Spanking Leads To Aggressive Children

Autistic Child Ruins Marriage He Was Born To Save

9-Pound Infant Barrels Way Down Birth Canal

Report: Baby Skull Jewelry May Be Linked To Violence

Scrappy Crew Of 'Good Morning America' Decides To Put On A News Show

Missionaries Charged With Kidnapping In Haiti

'Lancet' Retracts Autism Paper

Nation's Strangers Decry Negative Portrayal Among Children

Friendship Between Caterpillar, Horse Exploited For Cheap Children's Book

Make-A-Reasonable-Request Foundation Provides Sick Child With Decent Seats To Minnesota Timberwolves Game

Congo Approves Economic Stimulus Package Of AK-47 For Every Citizen

Antipsychotics Can Make Kids Fat

New Study Reveals Most Children Unrepentant Sociopaths

'Sesame Street' Turns 40

Shared Memory Of Children's Television Show Leads To Sex

Biggest Mistake Of Life Dressed Up As Pumpkin

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan