Report: Majority Of Americans Experience Profound Sense Of Dread When Asked To Name Favorite Music

PHILADELPHIA—A new study from the University of Pennsylvania revealed Wednesday that 81 percent of Americans experience muscle tension, elevated heart rate, and profuse sweating ...

Uninformed Buffoon Barely Comprehends Conversation About Taylor Swift

PHILADELPHIA—According to sources, local dullard Peter Merriam, 34, struggled pitifully Saturday evening to keep up with a simple...

Timeless Masterpiece Liked

SANTA CLARA, CA—City Lights, the eternal Charlie Chaplin classic heralded by film scholars as a poignant and seminal work of...

Nadir Of Western Civilization To Be Reached This Friday At 3:32 P.M.

WASHINGTON—"From the prehistoric Lascaux cave paintings to the stirring symphonies of Mozart to today's hot-dog eating competitions and action films with comical gerbils ...

Area Man Saddened To Realize Short Jewish Women With An Interest In Theater His Type

CHICAGO—David Simms couldn't believe he hadn't made the connection sooner after dating a string of nasally ushers and a stocky divorcée ...

After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack

SAN CLEMENTE, CA—"We at least have to see the next new episode of Lost before spilling the blood of the infidels," cell leader and ...

Author To Use Water As Metaphor

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Novelist, playwright, and poet H. Gregor Lafferty, 41, announced Monday his plan to use water as a metaphor in an upcoming...

Unconventional Director Sets Shakespeare Play In Time, Place Shakespeare Intended

MORRISTOWN, NJ—"When most people hear The Merchant of Venice, they think 1960s Las Vegas, but it's time to shake things up," said maverick ...

Report: Majority Of Americans Experience Profound Sense Of Dread When Asked To Name Favorite Music

Uninformed Buffoon Barely Comprehends Conversation About Taylor Swift

Timeless Masterpiece Liked

Nadir Of Western Civilization To Be Reached This Friday At 3:32 P.M.

Area Man Saddened To Realize Short Jewish Women With An Interest In Theater His Type

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After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack

Author To Use Water As Metaphor

Unconventional Director Sets Shakespeare Play In Time, Place Shakespeare Intended