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    New Study Finds It Is Impossible To Lose Weight, No One Has Ever Done It, And Those Who Are Trying Should Give Up

    WASHINGTON—According to a groundbreaking new study published Monday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association, it is impossible to lose weight, no one ...

    Once-Great Competitive Eater Reduced To Hustling At 10-Cent Wing Nights

    BUFFALO, NY—With one bad decision, gone was the $85,000 home outside of Akron, the mini-golf weekends, the mid-range American cars, and the decent-looking ...

    Diet Book Author Advocates New 'No Food Diet'

    Today Now! talks with a diet book author who reveals that many things are surprisingly edible when you are driven mad by hunger.

    Tomato Genetically Modified To Be More Expensive

    PASADENA, CA—Geneticists at the California Institute of Technology announced Monday that they have developed a tomato with a 31 percent larger...

    Formerly Obese Man Always Showing Everyone His Old Pants

    RUFFS DALE, PA—According to John Swink's friends, family, coworkers, and casual acquaintances, as well as a growing number of local waiters and...

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    Impersonal Trainer Couldn't Give A Fuck What You Do With Those Free Weights

    LOS ANGELES—Wes Orth Jr., the man considered to be the standard-bearer for a new breed of strong and aloof impersonal trainers, could not care...

    America's Obese: A Food Source For America's Even More Obese?

    WASHINGTON, DC—The answer to morbidly obese Americans' problems could be standing right behind them in the buffet line.

    New Pepsi Negative-220 Burns Twice The Calories It Contains

    PURCHASE, NY—Joining a field already crowded with such non-caloric beverages as Coke Steam and Hollo Yello, PepsiCo announced the creation Monday of Pepsi Negative-220 ...

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