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News
Nation's Optometrists Finally Starting To Recover After Raucous Optic Disc Expo 2011
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News
Renowned Hoo-Ha Doctor Wins Nobel Prize For Medical Advancements Down There
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News
Powerful Rest And Fluids Industry Influencing Doctors' Treatment Of Colds
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News
New Pain-Inducing Advil Created For People Who Just Want To Feel Something, Anything
Are You Healthy Enough?
Which food group do most of your meals consist of?
- Dairy
- Meats
- Fruits and Vegetables
- Grains
- Things I like
What word best describes your body type?
- Slim
- Athletic
- Husky
- American
How often do you go to the gym?
- I don’t exercise
- 1-3 times a week
- 4-6 times week
- Whenever I need to shower
Which best describes your job?
- Sitting at a desk all day hating my employer/co-workers
- Sitting at a desk all day hating myself
- Dealing with customers all day hating them
- Driving all day hating everyone
- Unemployed and no longer able to feel either love or hate
Do you take a multi-vitamin?
- Never
- Rarely
- Most days
- Euphemistically
- Congratulations! You’re trim, fit, completely healthy, and most likely lying.
- You could use a better diet and more exercise or you could just invest in surgery to make you look creepily thin.
- Your health is of immediate concern. Consider purchasing a sizable life insurance package.
- You eat well, exercise a decent amount, and live a fairly healthy lifestyle, although are unprotected from the threat of cancer, bad genes, accidents and the pure stupidity that kills over 70 percent of people.
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Panicked ER Doctor Calls 911
ISSUE 47•39 | 09.29.11 | News in Brief
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Patient Referred To Physician Who Specializes In Giving A Shit
ISSUE 47•35 | 08.31.11 | News in Brief
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Neurosurgeon Gets Heckled From Observation Deck
ISSUE 47•35 | 08.30.11 | Radio News
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Absentminded Professor Says Cure For Cancer 'Around Here Somewhere'
ISSUE 47•29 | 07.20.11 | Radio News
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Are You Healthy Enough?
ISSUE 47•24 | 06.15.11 | Quiz
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Revolutionary New Homophobia Immersion Therapy Involves Lowering Patient Into Tank Of Gays
ISSUE 47•08 | 02.23.11 | News in Brief
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Married Paramedics Bickering Over Best Way To Restart Heart
07.05.10 | Newswire
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Homicidal Surgeon General May Be Hazardous To Your Health
ISSUE 44•36 | 09.06.08 | Radio News
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U.S. Dentists Can't Make Nation's Teeth Any Damn Whiter
ISSUE 44•24 | 06.14.08 | Radio News
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Stronger LASIK Warnings Urged
ISSUE 44•19 | 05.07.08 | American Voices
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Grandfathers Accidentally Switched At Hospital
ISSUE 44•15 | 04.12.08 | News
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Bush's New Dentist Faces Tough Confirmation Hearing
ISSUE 43•50 | 12.10.07 | News
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Uninsured Man Hopes His Symptoms Diagnosed This Week On House
ISSUE 43•48 | 11.30.07 | News in Brief
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Exhausted Doctor To Wake Up Early, Finish Surgery In Morning
ISSUE 43•38 | 09.20.07 | News in Brief
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Doctor Trying To Get Unemployed Friend A Doctor Job
ISSUE 43•07 | 02.16.07 | News
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Hero Dog Fills Out Hospital Paperwork
ISSUE 42•43 | 10.20.06 | News in Brief
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Vatican Against ‘Ethical’ Stem Cells
ISSUE 42•35 | 08.31.06 | American Voices
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I'm Not One Of Those Fancy College-Educated Doctors
ISSUE 42•25 | 06.21.06 | Commentary
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Doctor-Patient Relationship Getting Serious
ISSUE 42•17 | 04.27.06 | Radio News
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Scientists Say Lifelike Pleasure-Bot Nowhere Near Tested Enough
ISSUE 42•08 | 02.26.06 | Radio News
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Freak Accident Paralyzes Man From Waist Up
ISSUE 42•07 | 02.19.06 | Radio News
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C-Sections On The Rise
ISSUE 41•48 | 12.02.05 | American Voices
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Faith Healer Loses Patient During Routine Miracle
ISSUE 41•45 | 11.09.05 | News in Brief
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Christian Science Pharmacist Refuses To Fill Any Prescription
ISSUE 41•35 | 08.31.05 | News in Photos
I Still Ain't Sure About This Socialism Medicine
ISSUE 46•16 | 04.22.10 | Commentary
Hola, amigos. How's tricks? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been chasing my tail like a retard dog these days. I've been working plenty of hours at the warehouse discount place. more»