America’s Finest News Source presents the key moments from the address of Melania Trump, wife of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, delivered on the first night of the 2016 Republican National Convention.
The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Ghostbusters’ in this week’s Film Standard.
ARIES: You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
ARIES: This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.
ARIES: The whole world will hold its breath this week while you engage in a life-and-death struggle with heartburn.
LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.
ARIES: You may not have a lot of money, but you still believe yourself to be rich in many ways. This isn’t surprising considering the cost of a proper education these days.
The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Independence Day: Resurgence’ in this week’s Film Standard.
ARIES: Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this week, as you have not paid your cable bill in months.
The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Finding Dory’ in this week’s Film Standard.
ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
ARIES: It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent in the panda suit.
SANDUSKY, OH—Immediately standing up from his seat and striding quickly past other visitors as soon as the snack was over, Cedar Point amusement park patron Paul Matazaro reportedly raced back to the end of the line for another funnel cake Thursday.
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