God

NASA Completes 52-Year Mission To Find, Kill God 02.23.11

WASHINGTON—After more than five decades of tireless work, brave exploration, and technological innovation aimed at a single objective, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration announced Wednesday that it had finally completed its mission to find and kill God. more»

God Hinting At Retirement 07.19.10

THE HEAVENS—At a press conference Tuesday, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, gave his strongest indication yet that he might soon step down from his post as the supreme ruler of all things. more»

God Makes Surprise Visit To Local Church 04.21.09

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—"Thought I'd just pop in and see how things were going. Please, pretend like I'm not even here," said the God of Abraham, Lord Almighty. more»

Rove Resigns To Spend More Time In Shadows 12.20.07

Rove claimed he never felt comfortable operating within the visible light spectrum more»

News

NASA Completes 52-Year Mission To Find, Kill God
News

God Hinting At Retirement
News

God Makes Surprise Visit To Local Church
News

Rove Resigns To Spend More Time In Shadows

I've Never Prayed Before In My Life, But I'm Absolutely Desperate

ISSUE 47•46 | 11.17.11 | Commentary

Uh…hello? Anybody there? Man, this is so awkward. But I honestly don't know what else to do. more»
God Urges Rick Perry Not To Run For President

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•29 | 07.21.11 | News in Brief

AUSTIN, TX—Describing Texas Gov. Rick Perry as grossly unqualified for the position, God, the Creator and Ruler of the Universe, urged Perry not to run for president of the United States Wednesday. more»
God Late For Local Wedding

ISSUE 47•16 | 04.29.11 | Radio News
If God Had Wanted Me To Be Accepting Of Gays, He Would Have Given Me The Warmth And Compassion To Do So

ISSUE 45•42 | 10.13.09 | Commentary

I don't question God. The Lord is my Shepherd and I shall put none above Him. Which is why I know that if it were part of God's plan for me to... more»
Ghost Of Ted Knight Signs On As New Voice Of God

ISSUE 44•47 | 11.23.08 | Radio News
'95-'96 Prayers Finally Answered

ISSUE 43•42 | 10.18.07 | News in Brief

HEAVEN—Explaining that He had been "absolutely swamped," God announced yesterday that He was finally able to find time in His busy schedule... more»
God Wondering If He's Being Too Cruel In Allowing Cavaliers To Reach NBA Finals

ISSUE 43•23 | 06.07.07 | Sports News in Brief

PARADISE—God, the omnipotent and omniscient Creator of the Universe who recently saw fit to allow the Cleveland Cavaliers to advance to the... more»
Muslims To Boycott All Pope Merchandise

ISSUE 42•40 | 10.04.06 | News

KARACHI—A halt in sales of La-Z-Pope chairs, Pope Oaties cereal, and Jiffy-Pope could spell trouble for the Vatican's multi-billion-dollar consumer-goods empire. more»
God Tentatively Renews Human Life Through 2007

ISSUE 42•30 | 07.27.06 | Radio News
Area Man Will Remember Unanswered Prayer Next Time God Needs His Help

ISSUE 42•22 | 06.06.06 | Radio News
Prayer To God Loaded With Reverse Psychology

ISSUE 42•13 | 04.04.06 | Radio News
God Returns From 2000-Year Vacation

ISSUE 41•50 | 12.20.05 | Radio News
Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom

ISSUE 43•01 ISSUE 41•49 | 12.07.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In one intercom-exchange transcript, a voice identifies himself as "the Lord thy God" and promotes the invasion of Iraq. more»
God Outdoes Terrorists Yet Again

ISSUE 41•36 | 09.07.05 | News

Officials Uncertain Whether To Save Or Shoot Victims Nation's Politicians Applaud Great Job They're Doing Area Man Drives Food There His Goddamned Self Bush: 'It Has Been Brought To My Attention That There Was Recently A Bad Storm' more»
God's Plan For Area Man Involves Kidnapping Ford CEO

ISSUE 41•20 | 05.18.05 | News

MINOT, ND—Unemployed factory worker James Harold Gurshner told reporters Monday that God's plan for him, revealed during a moment of divine inspiration, requires kidnapping Ford Motor Company CEO William Ford Jr. more»
A Pope Remembered

ISSUE 41•16 | 04.20.05 | Slideshow
Personal Relationship With God Also Public Relationship With God

ISSUE 40•40 | 10.06.04 | News

MOBILE, AL—Hugh Thompson loves telling people, even complete strangers, about his personal relationship with God. more»
God Late For Local Wedding

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 38•46 | 12.11.02 | News

CARTHAGE, MO—An embarrassed God admitted Monday that He was late for the Saturday wedding of Patrick Moore and Dina Roble, arriving halfway through the ceremony but catching "most of the important stuff." more»
Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities

ISSUE 38•03 | 01.30.02 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—A U.S. judge ruled that God is in violation of anti-monopoly laws and ordered Him to break up into smaller deities. more»
Black Gospel Choir Makes Man Wish He Believed In All That God Bullshit

ISSUE 38•01 | 01.16.02 | News

COLUMBUS, OH—The gloriously jubilant gospel singing that pours forth each Sunday from Bethel African Methodist Episcopal Church is enough to make local resident Doug Kamin wish he believed in all that God bullshit. more»
God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule

ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | News

NEW YORK—Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other Monday. more»
God Finally Gives Shout-Out Back To All His Niggaz

ISSUE 37•31 | 09.05.01 | News

SOUTH BRONX, NY—The Lord Almighty announced He has mad love for every nigga who has given Him props throughout the years. more»
Video-Game Character Wondering Why Heartless God Always Chooses 'Continue'

ISSUE 37•26 | 08.01.01 | News

ORANGEBURG, SC—Solid Snake does not know why God deems it necessary for him to endlessly repeat his mission. more»
God Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder

ISSUE 37•16 | 05.02.01 | News

NEW HAVEN, CT—The new diagnosis helps explain the contradictory aspects of the cosmos that have baffled theologians for years. more»
God Loses Decision-Making Coin

ISSUE 37•09 | 03.14.01 | News in Brief

HEAVEN–God confirmed Monday that He has misplaced His special decision-making coin. "I have no idea where I put it," a visibly distraught God said of the coin, which He has used for more than four billion years to determine everything from the direction of breezes to genocides. "I remember flipping it last night for [Monroe, MI, couple Mark and Patti Brenton's] attempt at conception, but I haven't seen it since." God said He hopes to locate the coin before 7:15 a.m. Thursday, when United Flight 251 takes off from Seattle with actress Dixie Carter on board. more»

God

NASA Completes 52-Year Mission To Find, Kill God 02.23.11

God Hinting At Retirement 07.19.10

God Makes Surprise Visit To Local Church 04.21.09

Rove Resigns To Spend More Time In Shadows 12.20.07

News

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Sunday Magazine

News in Photos

News in Photos

I've Never Prayed Before In My Life, But I'm Absolutely Desperate

God Urges Rick Perry Not To Run For President

God Late For Local Wedding

If God Had Wanted Me To Be Accepting Of Gays, He Would Have Given Me The Warmth And Compassion To Do So

Ghost Of Ted Knight Signs On As New Voice Of God

'95-'96 Prayers Finally Answered

God Wondering If He's Being Too Cruel In Allowing Cavaliers To Reach NBA Finals

Muslims To Boycott All Pope Merchandise

God Tentatively Renews Human Life Through 2007

Area Man Will Remember Unanswered Prayer Next Time God Needs His Help

Prayer To God Loaded With Reverse Psychology

God Returns From 2000-Year Vacation

Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom

God Outdoes Terrorists Yet Again

God's Plan For Area Man Involves Kidnapping Ford CEO

A Pope Remembered

Personal Relationship With God Also Public Relationship With God

God Late For Local Wedding

Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities

Black Gospel Choir Makes Man Wish He Believed In All That God Bullshit

God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule

God Finally Gives Shout-Out Back To All His Niggaz

Video-Game Character Wondering Why Heartless God Always Chooses 'Continue'

God Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder

God Loses Decision-Making Coin

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan