Ugh, Christ, this again?
    • Facebook
    • Twitter
    • Follow @TheOnion
Show/Hide Navigation
  • Video
  • Politics
  • Sports
  • Business
  • Science/Tech
  • Entertainment
  • Breaking
  • More
    • Video
    • Politics
    • Sports
    • Business
    • Science/Tech
    • Entertainment
    • Breaking

    Michelle Obama Shutters 'Let's Move!' Program After Failed 3-Year Run

    WASHINGTON—Citing a “widespread disinterest bordering on contempt” for the program’s most basic aims, Michelle Obama announced Monday she was shutting down “Let’s ...

    Surgeon General Warns Teens Cinnamon Challenge Is Not For Pussies

    WASHINGTON—According to an announcement Tuesday by the Surgeon General’s office, the “cinnamon challenge”—a new fad in which teens attempt to swallow spoonfuls ...

    Report: Majority Of Americans Now Answering To Name 'Lardface'

    WASHINGTON—According to a report published Tuesday by the U.S. Census Bureau, an estimated 54 percent of Americans now turn around whenever they hear ...

    Study: Wolf Attacks Still Leading Cause Of Death In U.S.

    BETHESDA, MD—According to a new study released Monday by the National Institutes of Health, for the 25th straight year, violent wolf attacks remain the ...

    Mississippi Bans Soft Drinks Smaller Than 20 Ounces

    JACKSON, MI—Citing a wish to maintain the quality of life for residents across the state, the Mississippi Senate on Thursday passed a bill outlawing ...

    Recently in healthcare

    Paula Deen Sponsors .05K Walk For Diabetes Research

    Backup Health Care Plan Involves Nation Sharing One Big Jar Of OintmentLASIK Surgery Allows Baron To See Without MonocleMany Doctors Say It's 'High' Time To Legalize Marijuana (Season 1: Ep 3 on IFC)Law Prohibits Nation's Shawnas From Using Tanning BedsDepartment Of Health And Human Services Recommends Standing At Least Once A DaySocial Security Scam Robs Elderly By Convincing Them They Are DeadAdderall Receives Honorary Degree From Harvard
    • News in Photos

      Cancer Walk Goes Under 15-Straight Miles Of High Tensile Power Lines

    • News in Photos

      Dean Mentions He'd Make A Great Secretary Of Health And Human Services

    • Statshot

      Top-Selling Health Cereals

    Passage Of Health Care Reform Brings Democrat-Republican Score To 317,622-318,047

    WASHINGTON—With their legislative victory on health care last month, Democrats narrowed by one point the gap in their 150-year-long competition with Republicans, bringing the ...

    Republicans, Leukemia Team Up To Repeal Health Care Law

    WASHINGTON—In the coming weeks, Republicans and leukemia will travel the country in an effort to diminish support for the increasingly popular bill, which GOP ...

    Obama Visits Kindergarten To Read Class 200-Page Memorandum On Health Care

    MIAMI—As part of a new program designed to encourage reading, President Barack Obama visited a kindergarten class Monday to read the...

    • Slings And Arrows, "The Promised End"

    • Film: Cannes Film Festival: Cannes, Day Seven: J.C. Chandor makes good, Nicolas Winding Refn goes bad, and Claire Denis gets ugly

    • Music: Newswire: Get Involved, Internet: Help make a documentary about Joe Strummer's old car

    • How to Traumatize Your Children Book

    • Assorted Headlines Pint Glasses

    • Cheat to Win Bracelet

    • Could Plastic Surgery Be Your Ticket To Employment? - Dr. Good - Ep. 2

    • The Best Of Today Now!: Fresh Roasted Cup Of News

    • Tim Allen, Mark Wahlberg, And Tara Reid Spotted At Cafe Discussing Oh God What Are They Planning?

    Follow The Onion

    Receive The Newsletter

    • Onion News Empire
    • The Onion Live!
    • Personals
    • FAQ
    • Contact Us
    • Jobs
    • Media Kit
    • Privacy Policy
    • Franchising
    • RSS & Apps

    The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. ©Copyright 2013 Onion Inc. All rights reserved