BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
LOS ANGELES—Fondly imagining herself having her own cubicle in the office that will be rented out to a different business by spring, Cordcrusher Media intern Nicole Dunn, 21, told reporters Monday she’s hoping to land a full-time position at the company that will not exist in eight months.
SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.
GREENSBORO, NC—Calling it the “ultimate test” of customers’ strength and willpower, local restaurant Boomer’s Bar and Grill unveiled a new eating challenge this week that rewards any patron who can consume a reasonably portioned meal.
GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”
QUINCY, MA—Describing how the routine cost estimate rapidly blossomed into something much more, sources confirmed Friday that local dad Mark Geldmaker immediately developed a deep friendship with the guy giving him a quote on replacing his windows.
HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.
BETHESDA, MD—Admitting they had begun to think it might never happen, the family of local 57-year-old Doug Reeves told reporters Wednesday the late-blooming dad is just now getting into American Civil War history.