BELMONT, NC—Channeling the timeless elegance of the silver screen, 12-year-old Kaitlyn Falk was reportedly the very image of old Hollywood glamour after getting her hair curled by her aunt for her middle school’s spring dance on Friday.
CHICAGO—Establishing a grueling pace he will be unable to keep up indefinitely, local man Gabe Fellman has set an unsustainable precedent of saying hello to his coworker every morning, sources confirmed Wednesday.
BOSTON—Tallying various efforts to act natural and pretend everything was fine, a study published Wednesday by researchers at Boston University found that the average American hopes no one saw that 12 times per day.
CHICAGO—Saying it was crucial to find ways to keep fit even within the confines of her office, local woman Diana Shearer devised her latest delusional scheme Wednesday for burning extra calories during the workday.
SARASOTA, FL—Saying that the plump liquid center had been broken and was trickling warm yellow goo on all sides, a report released Thursday found that, oh, fuck yeah, an egg yolk was dripping all over a sandwich.