LURAY, VA—Beaming with pride after he slotted the final turkey sandwich into place, local dad Steve Fowler’s eyes reportedly welled up Friday at the sight of a perfectly packed cooler for the family’s weekend trip to the beach.
KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
TOLEDO, OH—Describing how the child entered a state of complete mental serenity free from any stress or anxiety as soon as he closed the flaps of the large shipping carton over him, sources confirmed Thursday that sitting inside his cardboard box is the safest local 6-year-old Kyle Wolfe will feel for the remainder of his life.
WILKES-BARRE, PA—Oblivious to the intense feelings of arousal coursing through the pre-adolescent’s body, local man Pete Strahl reportedly introduced his children to the film Field Of Dreams Monday evening, not knowing that its male lead, played by Kevin Costner, was sparking his son’s sexual awakening.
HARTFORD, CT—Having made the difficult but compassionate decision to remove their ailing grandfather from life support Friday, members of the Jarrett family were reportedly unaware that in doing so, they were sending the 86-year-old directly to hell.
FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
PHOENIX—Attempting to conceal its wrinkles while carefully brushing its fabric clean of lint and stray threads, local man David Cutler was said to be getting his futon all dolled up Thursday for a Craigslist photo shoot.
RICHMOND, VA—Noting how thoroughly he had prepared himself for any potential scenario, sources confirmed that the backup plan local man Connor Foreman devised Tuesday in case his desired menu item was out of stock at Frank’s Diner was the most well-thought-out part of his life.
BROCKTON, MA—Saying the plot was jumping all over the place and had become extremely hard to follow, onlookers confirmed this afternoon that 7-year-old Brendan Milner has been unable to maintain a single cohesive storyline while playing with his action figures.