SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.
MINEOLA, NY—Ashamed anew with each new thought that entered his consciousness, local man Paul Bridges reported Monday that he was filled with embarrassment about every opinion that he has ever articulated.
BEAVER DAM, WI—In an effort to justify the recent set of executive orders the president signed earlier this week to dismantle the Affordable Care Act, exhausted Trump supporter Phil Holt reportedly just decided Friday that massive cuts to healthcare subsidies were the reason he voted as he did.
BOSTON—Deciding against putting out the money to hire a service, local man Dylan Curtis reportedly told friends Friday that he was probably just going to move apartments by renting a U-Haul and having a nervous breakdown.
NEW BERN, NC—Preparing it ahead of time in case the opportunity arose to seamlessly slip it in, local man Lawrence Mulcahy already had a whole sentence lined up for later in the conversation, sources confirmed Wednesday.
SPOKANE, WA—Claiming they had never seen anything like it before, the stunned family of local grandmother Doreen Weiss reportedly watched in disbelief Wednesday as she wolfed down a sandwich in 33 minutes.
GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Feeling vulnerable in the wake of yesterday’s mass shooting in Las Vegas, local man Greg Farley was reportedly worried Tuesday that any crazy person could get their hands on a congressional seat.
BOSTON—Saying he had no idea how someone like his supervisor got the job in the first place, local marketing strategist Michael Perkins told reporters Monday that he could run the company into the ground way better than his boss.
BELLEVUE, WA—Offering reassurance that it would all work out in the end like it did for them, dreary, passionless couple Evan and Jennifer Schar confirmed on Tuesday that your soulmate was definitely out there somewhere.