SYRACUSE, NY—Saying the bulleted list of diagnostic criteria had touched something at the very core of his being, local 34-year-old Adam Zenner reported Friday that an online depression symptoms checklist was speaking to him as no poem ever could.
EASTON, NJ—Refusing to allow the subtle objectification and belittlement to taint the story of how they first met, members of the Thurman family confirmed Friday that they were tuning out the hints of misogyny in their grandfather’s loving recollection of courting their grandmother.
CATOOSA, OK—After months of watering, mulching, staking, fertilizing, pruning, and spraying each plant, local homeowner Margie Helmholtz confirmed Wednesday that an entire summer of tending her backyard garden had yielded one edible cherry tomato.
SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.
CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
GREENVILLE, SC—Insisting there is no way anyone else would be able to get ahold of the weapons in his home, local gun owner Kevin Williamson told reporters Thursday he always keeps his firearms securely locked away where only he can access them during a severe mental breakdown.
DENVER—Removing the Middle Eastern specialty from its paper carryout bag as he returned to his office desk, local insurance salesman Robert Devinshire reportedly braced himself Monday to undergo an extensive interrogation from his coworkers about where he got falafel.
BOWLING GREEN, OH—Saying they hadn’t yet found a location with the proper combination of bland decor, uncomfortable seats, and bleak fluorescent lighting, admissions officials at Bowling Green State University confirmed Friday they were still looking for the absolute saddest place on campus to hold their upcoming transfer student orientation.
DULUTH, MN—Saying that there seemed to be no clear pattern to the animal’s responses, local pet owner Wendy Vogl reported Friday that it is impossible to tell what sounds will cause her cat to totally freak out.