Come On! There Has To Be One Person In This Goddamn School Who's Been Molested
by Ted Bartlett, Guidance Counselor
This Week
-
-
I Was One Of Those Kids Who Always Took Cats Apart To See How They Worked
by Terrance Hanley
Columnists
Recent Opinions
-
Smoove Is Remodeling
by Smoove B, Love Man -
As Long As My Child Does Something That Makes Him Happy And Wins The National Book Critics Circle Award For Fiction, I’ll Be Proud
by Gregory MacIntyre -
Well, Well, Well, Look Who’s Come Crawling To His Uncle To Hear His Fleetwood Mac Concert Stories
by Michael Fleischmann -
Healthy, Nutritious Food Would Have Saved The Titanic
by Michelle Obama
Corrections
As a heads-up to our readers, next week's Summer Fashion Preview is going to blow. Sorry.
Letters To The Editor »
Dear The Onion,
I don’t have a Facebook account, but I just wanted you to know that I enjoy your publication. Please add one to whatever number of likes you currently have online.
Carly Durland, Binghamton, NY
More Opinions
-
Ghosts Of Situations Past
by Jean Teasdale -
Baby, Please Pick Up That Phone
by Smoove B, Love Man -
Where Are Today's Mattress-Sales Visionaries?
by Malcolm Farber -
I'm Not One Of Those Insecure Generals Who Needs To Win A Lot Of Battles
by Gen. Edward P. Montgomery -
I Miss My Old Sled
by T. Herman Zweibel, Publisher Emeritus (photo circa 1911) -
Give Me Just One More Chance
by Smoove B, Love Man -
There's Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself, And Also Me, The Ghost Of Franklin Delano Roosevelt
by Franklin Delano Roosevelt -
Know Any Good State Secrets?
by Dave Sampson
