Our Annual Year 2011

Study: 96 Percent Of Humans Would Rather Be Animatronic Bear - Year In Review 12.16.11

This week, The Onion Review takes a look back at some of the most important news stories that shaped our lives in 2011. more»

New Robot Warns When Someone's About To Walk In On You Masturbating 11.17.11

The remarkable, cutting edge TYSO robot uses radio wave technology to notify the user that someone's about to bust in on him while he's jacking it. more»

Bank Executives On 15th Floor Gambling On Which Occupy Wall Street Protester Will Be Arrested Next 11.07.11

NEW YORK—Peering down from their 15th-floor boardroom onto the Occupy Wall Street encampment in Lower Manhattan's Zuccotti Park, executives at the financial services firm Wittinger Group reportedly placed bets Monday on which protester would be arre... more»

New Decoy Website Launched To Lure Away All Moronic Internet Commenters 10.20.11

SAN JOSE, CA—With funding from dozens of news outlets and media companies, the groundbreaking Outkube.com launched this week, providing an online destination where pandering and incendiary content is used to lure moronic Internet commenters away fro... more»

Video: Onion Review

Study: 96 Percent Of Humans Would Rather Be Animatronic Bear - Year In Review
Video: Onion News Network On IFC

New Robot Warns When Someone's About To Walk In On You Masturbating
News

Bank Executives On 15th Floor Gambling On Which Occupy Wall Street Protester Will Be Arrested Next
News

New Decoy Website Launched To Lure Away All Moronic Internet Commenters

Those We Lost In 2011

ISSUE 47•50 | 12.18.11 | Slideshow

Once again, the world experienced several million deaths over the course of a year. Five of those people who died were famous. more»
2011's Biggest Names In Local News

ISSUE 47•50 | 12.17.11 | Slideshow

Nobody affected the local world more than these five people. more»
2011's Biggest Political Newsmakers

ISSUE 47•50 | 12.16.11 | Slideshow

Seven people who dominated the horribly depressing world of politics. more»
2011: Politics

ISSUE 47•50 | 12.16.11 | American Voices

Party brinksmanship in Congress has led to the government nearly shutting down on multiple occasions this year. more»
2011's Biggest Newsmakers In Science & Technology

ISSUE 47•50 | 12.15.11 | Slideshow

A roundup of the great minds who brought us discovery, innovation, and a phone you can yell at to find you Chinese food. more»
2011: Entertainment

ISSUE 47•50 | 12.14.11 | American Voices

Though box office receipts, TV ratings, and music sales went down, 2011 was still a banner year for video games and streaming video. more»
2011's Biggest Names In Entertainment

ISSUE 47•50 | 12.14.11 | Slideshow

Who were the biggest newsmakers in movies, music, and ruling over the country of England? more»
2011's Top 5 International Newsmakers

ISSUE 47•50 | 12.13.11 | Slideshow

Today The Onion counts down the biggest names in international news, from leaders removed from power to those still happily rigging national elections. more»
2011: International

ISSUE 47•50 | 12.13.11 | American Voices

This year saw political unrest in the Middle East and Russia, economic crisis in Europe, and a former president of the Ivory Coast on trial in the Hague. more»
2011's Most Influential People In Economic News

ISSUE 47•50 | 12.12.11 | Slideshow

In a year in which the world economy continued to slide, here are five people everybody can blame in order to avoid taking any individual responsibility. more»
2011: The Economy

ISSUE 47•50 | 12.12.11 | American Voices

This year, the struggling economy once again dominated headlines, and most of the news was bad. How has the slow recovery affected you? more»
Jar Of Change On Dresser Sadly Factoring Into A Number Of Financial Decisions

ISSUE 47•46 | 11.19.11 | Newswire

Jar Of Change On Dresser Sadly Factoring Into A Number Of Financial Decisions more»
Huntsman Quietly Relieved To Be Polling Poorly Among GOP Voters

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•44 | 11.01.11 | News in Brief

SALT LAKE CITY—With a recent Gallup poll indicating only 2 percent of his party supports his candidacy for president, Jon Huntsman confided to staffers Tuesday that he was secretly relieved to be faring so poorly among the die-hard GOP base. more»
New Facebook Feature Allows User To Cancel Account

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•44 | 10.31.11 | News in Brief

PALO ALTO, CA—In its ongoing effort to enrich the way people connect and interact, social media website Facebook introduced a new feature Monday that allows users to cancel their accounts. more»
LASIK Surgery Allows Baron To See Without Monocle

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•43 | 10.29.11 | News in Brief

KÖNIGSBERG, EAST PRUSSIA—Baron Fritz von Friedrich VII, steward of Württemberg, told reporters Saturday that the LASIK surgery he recently underwent to correct the vision in his left eye has been an unmitigated success, allowing him to see... more»
Study Finds Every Style Of Parenting Produces Disturbed, Miserable Adults

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•43 | 10.26.11 | News in Brief

SANTA ROSA, CA—A study released by the California Parenting Institute Tuesday shows that every style of parenting inevitably causes children to grow into profoundly unhappy adults. more»
Random Supermarket Hearing Of "Livin' La Vida Loca" Hearkens Back To A Simpler Time

ISSUE 47•41 | 10.16.11 | Newswire

Random Supermarket Hearing Of "Livin' La Vida Loca" Hearkens Back To A Simpler Time more»
New Hampshire Residents Convince Incoming GOP Candidates That Maple Syrup Enemas Are State Tradition

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•41 | 10.13.11 | Newswire

New Hampshire Residents Convince Incoming GOP Candidates That Maple Syrup Enemas Are State Tradition more»
Saudi Women Receive Husbands' Explicit Permission To Celebrate Right To Vote

ISSUE 47•41 | 10.11.11 | News in Brief

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In the wake of the watershed decision granting them the right to vote in the 2015 elections, Saudi women have received their husbands' explicit consent to rejoice, sources reported Wednesday. more»
I'm Moving This Miserable Periodical To The Yukon

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•41 | 10.11.11 | Commentary

Disturbing reports have been reaching my bronze ear-horn over the past few weeks concerning the goings-on at the many Eastern sea-board offices of The Onion news-paper. Evidently, if accounts from my disgustingly subservient dogsbodies in management are to be believed, the constant rustle of news-print and scratch of fountain-pen nibs has been punctuated by the murmur of pleasant conversation and, in many cases, outright laughter among staffers. more»
Apple Announces Plans To Release Steve Jobs 2 (Full coverage Tues 10/9c only on IFC)

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•41 | 10.10.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that in 2012 the company will release the Steve Jobs 2, an updated version of the revolutionary Apple founder featuring a richer, deeper voice and a sleek new white turtleneck. more»
New Study Finds Link Between Cancer, Reading Text On Computer Screen

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•40 | 10.09.11 | News in Brief

ATLANTA—A new study released Monday by the Centers for Disease Control has found a direct link between a particularly aggressive strain of ocular cancer and reading text on a computer screen. more»
Last American Who Knew What The Fuck He Was Doing Dies

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•40 | 10.06.11 | News

CUPERTINO, CA—Steve Jobs, the visionary co-founder of Apple Computers and the only American in the country who had any clue what the fuck he was doing, died Wednesday at the age of 56. more»
Layoffs Are Necessary If We Want To Keep The Lights On,' Says CEO Halfway Through Tasting Menu

ISSUE 47•40 | 10.05.11 | News

PHILADELPHIA—As the fifth plate of his 10-course, $150 prix fixe tasting menu dinner was carefully placed on the manicured table in front of him, Kohl-Strauss Media Group CEO Tom Byatt reportedly told a colleague Tuesday that in order for the compan... more»
No Matter How Much You Protect Your Kids, Sooner Or Later One Of Them's Going To Drown In A Swimming Pool

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•40 | 10.04.11 | Commentary

The truth is, there's only so much even the best mommies and daddies can do for their kids. Like it or not, it's only a matter of time before one of your children drowns in a swimming pool. more»

Our Annual Year 2011

Study: 96 Percent Of Humans Would Rather Be Animatronic Bear - Year In Review 12.16.11

New Robot Warns When Someone's About To Walk In On You Masturbating 11.17.11

Bank Executives On 15th Floor Gambling On Which Occupy Wall Street Protester Will Be Arrested Next 11.07.11

New Decoy Website Launched To Lure Away All Moronic Internet Commenters 10.20.11

Video: Onion Review

Video: Onion News Network On IFC

News

News

News in Photos

News in Photos

News in Photos

Those We Lost In 2011

2011's Biggest Names In Local News

2011's Biggest Political Newsmakers

2011: Politics

2011's Biggest Newsmakers In Science & Technology

2011: Entertainment

2011's Biggest Names In Entertainment

2011's Top 5 International Newsmakers

2011: International

2011's Most Influential People In Economic News

2011: The Economy

Jar Of Change On Dresser Sadly Factoring Into A Number Of Financial Decisions

Huntsman Quietly Relieved To Be Polling Poorly Among GOP Voters

New Facebook Feature Allows User To Cancel Account

LASIK Surgery Allows Baron To See Without Monocle

Study Finds Every Style Of Parenting Produces Disturbed, Miserable Adults

Random Supermarket Hearing Of "Livin' La Vida Loca" Hearkens Back To A Simpler Time

New Hampshire Residents Convince Incoming GOP Candidates That Maple Syrup Enemas Are State Tradition

Saudi Women Receive Husbands' Explicit Permission To Celebrate Right To Vote

I'm Moving This Miserable Periodical To The Yukon

Apple Announces Plans To Release Steve Jobs 2 (Full coverage Tues 10/9c only on IFC)

New Study Finds Link Between Cancer, Reading Text On Computer Screen

Last American Who Knew What The Fuck He Was Doing Dies

Layoffs Are Necessary If We Want To Keep The Lights On,' Says CEO Halfway Through Tasting Menu

No Matter How Much You Protect Your Kids, Sooner Or Later One Of Them's Going To Drown In A Swimming Pool

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan