Politics

New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct 02.13.12

WASHINGTON—Saying the now critically endangered species of politician is at high risk for complete extinction within the next 10 years, Beltway-area conservationists announced plans Monday for a new captive breeding program designed to save moderate... more»

Congressman Hurt To Discover Lobbyist Not Really His Friend 02.04.12

WASHINGTON—According to Capitol Hill sources, Rep. Bobby Schilling (R-IL) came to the painful realization this week that agribusiness lobbyist Stephen Fischer, who had been kind and generous toward him for months and had often met up with him for dr... more»

Obama Criticized For Living In Lavish Mansion While Most Americans Struggle To Make Ends Meet 02.01.12

132-Room Estate Includes Personal Chef, 24-Hour Security Detail

WASHINGTON—Over the past three years, as the sluggish economy has forced many Americans to tighten their belts, President Obama has reportedly enjoyed a lavish personal lifestyle, residing with his family in a 132-room house staffed by a 24-hour se... more»

Romneymania Sweeps America 01.25.12

TAMPA, FL—From coast to coast, town to town, and in nearly every public meeting place and private residence across America, millions have been captivated, inspired, and in some cases moved to tears by presidential candidate Mitt Romney, the former M... more»

In The Know Panel Analyzes Obama's Furious, Profanity-Filled Rant At Nation

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.07.12 | Newsroom

In a special post-speech analysis, panelists discuss what America did to make President Obama so angry he was actually spitting while he yelled at us. more»
GOP Introduces New "Mystery Candidate" With Paper Bag Over Head

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.06.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

Republicans will reveal the identity of the Mystery Candidate only after he, or she, wins the election. more»
Ron Paul Blames Florida Loss On Expensive Advertising Costs Of Poster Board, Markers

ISSUE 48•06 | 02.03.12 | News in Brief

TAMPA, FL—After finishing last in this week's Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul told reporters his poor showing in the polls was caused by the prohibitively expensive cost of the poster board, markers, and tape he uses to c... more»
Gingrich Privately Regretting Not Doing 'More Jew Stuff' On Florida Campaign Trail

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | News in Brief

ORLANDO, FL—A day after losing the Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich told reporters his biggest regret in the Sunshine State was "not getting out there and doing more Jew stuff." "I should have worn... more»
Romney Celebrates Florida Win With All-Night Miami Beach Rave

ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | News in Brief

MIAMI BEACH, FL—Sparing no expense to celebrate his 14-point win over Newt Gingrich in last night's Florida primary, Mitt Romney hosted a lavish all-night rave at Miami's Club Amnesia Tuesday, packing the popular hot spot with a crowd of more than 2... more»
‘They Said I Was Dead Before,’ Says Gingrich, Who This Time Really Is Dead

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | Newswire

‘They Said I Was Dead Before,’ Says Gingrich, Who This Time Really Is Dead more»
Romney During Victory Speech: ‘Man, This Is A Weak Field’

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | News in Brief

TAMPA, FL—Following a decisive win in tonight's Florida primary, presidential candidate Mitt Romney took a moment during his victory address to reflect on the current crop of Republicans vying for the party's nomination, telling the gathered crowd h... more»
Romney Appeals To Hispanic Voters For Return Of Watch He Left On Dresser

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | News in Brief

MIAMI—At a hastily assembled press conference Tuesday, presidential candidate Mitt Romney reached out to the nation's Hispanics, asking if they would please return the watch he had left on his dresser earlier. more»
Panelists Discussing GOP Debate Clearly Didn't Watch It

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.30.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

First Responders attempt to bluff their way through a discussion of the most recent Republican debate. more»
Time Traveler From The Year 1998 Warns Nation Not To Elect Newt Gingrich

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.26.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Saying he came bearing an important message from the past, a stranger from the year 1998 appeared on the Capitol steps Thursday and urged voters not to elect Newt Gingrich president in 2012. more»
Twitter Crashes From Sheer Volume Of Clear, Insightful Comments On State Of The Union

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Newswire

Twitter Crashes From Sheer Volume Of Clear, Insightful Comments On State Of The Union more»
Frocked Podium Boys Shine In Pre-State-Of-The-Union Rituals

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Clad in their ceremonial red, white, and blue vestments, the six podium boys of the U.S. more»
Giffords To Resign

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | American Voices

Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ) announced on her website this past weekend that she would resign her seat in the House to concentrate on her recovery. more»
Ron Paul

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | Quote

"He's not afraid to give Americans no-nonsense straight talk about his completely delusional fantasy world. more»
Ron Paul Supporter Likes The Way Paul Tells It Like It Has No Chance Of Being

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | News in Brief

RICHMOND, IN—Self-proclaimed strict constitutionalist and freethinker Rick Crawford told reporters Monday he is supporting Ron Paul in the 2012 Republican presidential primaries because of the way the candidate looks people directly in the eye, does... more»
Exit Polls Reveal Majority Of South Carolina Voters Had Emotional Breakdown In Voting Booth

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.21.12 | Newswire

Exit Polls Reveal Majority Of South Carolina Voters Had Emotional Breakdown In Voting Booth more»
Romney Cements Status As Candidate Who Can Somehow Lose To Newt Gingrich

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.21.12 | Newswire

Romney Cements Status As Candidate Who Can Somehow Lose To Newt Gingrich more»
Black Conservatives Support Candidate Whose Religion Believes Black People Bear Mark Of Cain

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.20.12 | Onion Review

The nation's gross doctors recommend drinking eight cups of clam juice per day, a snake gets a tattoo of a dude on its face, and the Supreme Court overturns Right v. more»
Santorum Won Iowa Caucus

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.19.12 | American Voices

A recount of votes in the Iowa caucus shows that former senator Rick Santorum actually beat Mitt Romney by 34 votes. more»
Rick Perry Experiences Overwhelming Feeling Of Clarity And Contentment In Final Moments Before Death Of Campaign

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.19.12 | News in Brief

COLUMBIA, SC—Texas governor Rick Perry experienced a profound moment of peace and serenity Thursday morning just before his campaign to be president of the United States slipped away into the darkness, meeting its death. more»
Tentacle Quickly Smooths Romney's Hair

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.17.12 | Newswire

Tentacle Quickly Smooths Romney's Hair more»
Critics Slam Obama For "Just Standing There" During Photo Op

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.17.12 | Newsroom

Guests on the Onion News Network's new political-debate show "The Beltway" decide who's leading and who's bleeding in the 24-hour political battle royale. more»
Huntsman Drops Out

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.16.12 | American Voices

Jon Huntsman announced he is dropping out of the race and endorsing Mitt Romney. What do you think? more»
Huntsman Drops Out, Endorses Huntsman

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.16.12 | News in Brief

MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced today he was dropping out of the race, and, citing his good character, foreign policy experience, and overall pragmatic approach, officially endorsed former Utah governor Jon ... more»
Nation's Disenfranchised Finally Rise Up, Demand Justice, Are Denied It

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.12.12 | Newswire

Nation's Disenfranchised Finally Rise Up, Demand Justice, Are Denied It more»

Politics

New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct 02.13.12

Congressman Hurt To Discover Lobbyist Not Really His Friend 02.04.12

Obama Criticized For Living In Lavish Mansion While Most Americans Struggle To Make Ends Meet 02.01.12

Romneymania Sweeps America 01.25.12

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In The Know Panel Analyzes Obama's Furious, Profanity-Filled Rant At Nation

GOP Introduces New "Mystery Candidate" With Paper Bag Over Head

Ron Paul Blames Florida Loss On Expensive Advertising Costs Of Poster Board, Markers

Gingrich Privately Regretting Not Doing 'More Jew Stuff' On Florida Campaign Trail

Romney Celebrates Florida Win With All-Night Miami Beach Rave

‘They Said I Was Dead Before,’ Says Gingrich, Who This Time Really Is Dead

Romney During Victory Speech: ‘Man, This Is A Weak Field’

Romney Appeals To Hispanic Voters For Return Of Watch He Left On Dresser

Panelists Discussing GOP Debate Clearly Didn't Watch It

Time Traveler From The Year 1998 Warns Nation Not To Elect Newt Gingrich

Twitter Crashes From Sheer Volume Of Clear, Insightful Comments On State Of The Union

Frocked Podium Boys Shine In Pre-State-Of-The-Union Rituals

Giffords To Resign

Ron Paul

Ron Paul Supporter Likes The Way Paul Tells It Like It Has No Chance Of Being

Exit Polls Reveal Majority Of South Carolina Voters Had Emotional Breakdown In Voting Booth

Romney Cements Status As Candidate Who Can Somehow Lose To Newt Gingrich

Black Conservatives Support Candidate Whose Religion Believes Black People Bear Mark Of Cain

Santorum Won Iowa Caucus

Rick Perry Experiences Overwhelming Feeling Of Clarity And Contentment In Final Moments Before Death Of Campaign

Tentacle Quickly Smooths Romney's Hair

Critics Slam Obama For "Just Standing There" During Photo Op

Huntsman Drops Out

Huntsman Drops Out, Endorses Huntsman

Nation's Disenfranchised Finally Rise Up, Demand Justice, Are Denied It

Onion News Network On IFC »

Obama Begs Voters Not To Make His Daughters Switch Schools