Politics

Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial 05.25.12

WASHINGTON—In an effort to honor fallen American soldiers this Memorial Day with a fittingly "badass" tribute, Vice President Joe Biden has announced plans to jump a motorcycle over the entire length of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. Biden... more»

Republicans Stalling Obama's Agenda By Speaking, Moving In Slow Motion 05.17.12

Democrats charge that Republican members of Congress are preventing the passage of the bills by moving very slowly. more»

Same Homeless Man Always Begging For Change On United Flight 05.11.12

A 5-year-old announces that the circle is no longer her favorite shape, former Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown makes his comeback to horse racing as a jockey, and the guitar music fad runs its course. more»

Obama Blasts Obama's Evasive Stance On Gay Marriage 05.09.12

'The President Needs To Come Clean On His Views,' Obama Says

WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama lashed out at President Barack Obama's seemingly evasive stance on gay marriage Tuesday, calling the head-of-state's cagey position on the issue both "cowardly" and "an example of faile... more»

News

Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial
Video: Onion News Network On IFC

Republicans Stalling Obama's Agenda By Speaking, Moving In Slow Motion
Video: Onion Review

Same Homeless Man Always Begging For Change On United Flight
News

Obama Blasts Obama's Evasive Stance On Gay Marriage

In Bipartisan Spirit, Obama Makes Deal To Get Kicked In Balls

ISSUE 48•19 | 05.07.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

President Obama works out an agreement to have Republicans in Congress kick him in the balls in exchange for nothing. more»
Secret Service's Prostitution Scandal Did Not Affect President's Security, White House Adviser Madame Chartreuse Says

ISSUE 48•18 | 05.02.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—The alleged misconduct of Secret Service personnel accused of soliciting prostitutes in Colombia last month did not at any time compromise President Obama's security, longtime White House adviser Madame Chartreuse said during a press conf... more»
Romney Courts Hispanic Vote With Animated Sombrero-Wearing Parrot

ISSUE 48•18 | 05.01.12 | War For The White House

This week the Romney campaign introduced "Paco", a taco-loving cartoon parrot, in hopes of appealing to Latino voters. more»
Group Of '90s Footnotes Welcomes Gingrich Home

ISSUE 48•17 | 04.25.12 | News in Brief

NEW YORK—Saying they held no grudge against him and were just glad he was back where he belongs, a group of cultural footnotes from the 1990s announced today that they were happy to welcome home former Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich... more»
Obama's Approval Rating Down After Photos Surface Of Him Eating Big Sandwich All Alone

ISSUE 48•17 | 04.24.12 | War For The White House

Voters describe recent images of Obama eating a gigantic hoagie all by himself "somehow very sad." more»
Obama Launches More Realistic 'I Have Big Ideas But We'll See How It Goes' Campaign Slogan

ISSUE 48•16 | 04.18.12 | News

CHICAGO—After coming to terms with the limited scope of what he can realistically expect to accomplish as president, Barack Obama announced Wednesday a new, more practical campaign slogan that will serve as the cornerstone for his 2012 reelection bi... more»
Report: Every Potential 2040 President Already Unelectable Due To Facebook

ISSUE 48•16 | 04.17.12 | War For The White House

A troubling report finds that by 2040 every presidential candidate will be unelectable to political office due to their embarrassing Facebook posts. more»
Rick Santorum: A Candidacy Remembered

ISSUE 48•15 | 04.12.12 | Slideshow
Democrats: Obama Has Dicked Us Around For Four Years, Now It's Our Turn

ISSUE 48•15 | 04.12.12 | War For The White House

While most Democrats plan to vote for Obama in November, they continue to tell pollsters they're "undecided" just for the fun of messing with the president's head. more»
Christie 2016 Comes From Nowhere To Win Republican Nomination

ISSUE 48•15 | 04.11.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Though most observers believed Mitt Romney had the 2012 Republican presidential nomination wrapped up, the 2016 campaign of New Jersey governor Chris Christie came out of nowhere Wednesday to convince delegates that the future candidate d... more»
Gingrich Urges Romney To Drop Out So He Can Focus On General Election

ISSUE 48•15 | 04.10.12 | News in Brief

RALEIGH, NC—Following Rick Santorum's announcement Tuesday that he would end his bid for the Republican presidential nomination, candidate Newt Gingrich called upon frontrunner Mitt Romney to drop out of the race so the former House speaker could co... more»
Backup Health Care Plan Involves Nation Sharing One Big Jar Of Ointment

ISSUE 48•14 | 04.04.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—In the event the Supreme Court strikes down the president's health care law, the Obama administration has prepared a contingency plan under which all 313 million Americans would share a single large jar of ointment, sources confirmed Tues... more»
Busy Romney Sorry He Missed Nation's Piano Recital

ISSUE 48•14 | 04.04.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Speaking at a press conference on behalf of presidential candidate Mitt Romney, campaign spokeswoman Andrea Saul told the American public how deeply sorry the GOP frontrunner was to have missed the nation's piano recital Saturday. more»
Romney To Travel Back In Time To Kill Liberal Versions Of Himself

ISSUE 48•13 | 04.02.12 | War For The White House

Seeking to dispel accusations of flip-flopping, Romney unveiled plans to use a time machine to kill earlier versions of himself who believed in universal health care and gay rights. more»
Number Of Songs GOP Candidates Can Use Down To 4

ISSUE 48•13 | 03.30.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Republican strategists confirmed Friday there are now only four songs in the entirety of recorded music that GOP candidates are legally permitted to use. more»
Small-Town Mayor Steps Down Amid Scandal Over Forged Coupon

ISSUE 47•39 | 03.26.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

Pennington, IL mayor Sue Hallinan resigns in shame after passing bad coupons at the local Kroger. (Aired 10/4/11) more»
Lawyers Opposing Health Care Law Cite Kids-With-Pre-Existing-Conditions-Can-Go-Fuck-Themselves Clause

ISSUE 48•13 | 03.26.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—As the Supreme Court hears oral arguments today on President Obama's health care reform law, plaintiffs aiming to strike down the legislation are citing the U.S. more»
Women Voters Can't Help Fawning Over Sexist GOP

ISSUE 48•13 | 03.26.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Saying they know its no good for them but they just can't help themselves, gushing women voters acknowledged Monday the overwhelming and uncontrollable attraction they feel toward the sexist Republican party. Smitten female voters across ... more»
Poll Shows Best Part Of Primary Season Has Been Really Getting To Know, Spend Time With 4 Great Guys

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.22.12 | News

WASHINGTON—According to a Gallup poll released Thursday, a majority of Americans believe the best and most satisfying aspect of the entire 2012 presidential primary experience has been the opportunity to spend extended time in the company of four ju... more»
Nation's First Boombox-Carrying, Rollerskating Congressman Broke Boundaries

ISSUE 47•39 | 03.20.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

On This Day In History, the first boombox-carrying congressman skated his way into the Capitol. (Aired 10/4/11) more»
Romney, Santorum Supporters To Beat Living Shit Out Of Each Other At Montana Primary

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.14.12 | War For The White House

Onion News Network political analyst Jason Copeland explains Montana's unique primary process, in which the state's delegates are awarded to the winner of a no-holds-barred street fight. more»
Rick Santorum Relieved No One Has Asked Him About Interracial Marriage Yet

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.13.12 | News in Brief

LAFAYETTE, LA—Saying his campaign has "really dodged a bullet so far," Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum told reporters today that, much to his relief, no one has asked his opinion on interracial marriage. more»
Gingrich Desperately Trying To Court People-Who-Vote Vote

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.13.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Hoping to gain key wins in today's primaries, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has adopted a new strategy that targets the crucial people-who-vote demographic, sources confirmed. more»
Media Reminds Public Not To Overemphasize Super Tuesday Results Or Draw Any Sort Of Wide-Reaching Conclusions

ISSUE 48•10 | 03.07.12 | News in Brief

NEW YORK—Saying that they didn't want to be responsible for unduly affecting the course of the Republican presidential primary, representatives of the media urged the public not to be swayed by its breathless coverage and over-analysis of every resu... more»
Poll: 63% Of Americans Say They Have A Problem With A Mormon President Who Is Also Mitt Romney

ISSUE 48•10 | 03.06.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—A Gallup poll released Tuesday suggests voters are highly resistant to electing a Mormon who is Mitt Romney as president of the United States. more»

Politics

Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial 05.25.12

Republicans Stalling Obama's Agenda By Speaking, Moving In Slow Motion 05.17.12

Same Homeless Man Always Begging For Change On United Flight 05.11.12

Obama Blasts Obama's Evasive Stance On Gay Marriage 05.09.12

News

Video: Onion News Network On IFC

Video: Onion Review

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News in Photos

News in Photos

In Bipartisan Spirit, Obama Makes Deal To Get Kicked In Balls

Secret Service's Prostitution Scandal Did Not Affect President's Security, White House Adviser Madame Chartreuse Says

Romney Courts Hispanic Vote With Animated Sombrero-Wearing Parrot

Group Of '90s Footnotes Welcomes Gingrich Home

Obama's Approval Rating Down After Photos Surface Of Him Eating Big Sandwich All Alone

Obama Launches More Realistic 'I Have Big Ideas But We'll See How It Goes' Campaign Slogan

Report: Every Potential 2040 President Already Unelectable Due To Facebook

Rick Santorum: A Candidacy Remembered

Democrats: Obama Has Dicked Us Around For Four Years, Now It's Our Turn

Christie 2016 Comes From Nowhere To Win Republican Nomination

Gingrich Urges Romney To Drop Out So He Can Focus On General Election

Backup Health Care Plan Involves Nation Sharing One Big Jar Of Ointment

Busy Romney Sorry He Missed Nation's Piano Recital

Romney To Travel Back In Time To Kill Liberal Versions Of Himself

Number Of Songs GOP Candidates Can Use Down To 4

Small-Town Mayor Steps Down Amid Scandal Over Forged Coupon

Lawyers Opposing Health Care Law Cite Kids-With-Pre-Existing-Conditions-Can-Go-Fuck-Themselves Clause

Women Voters Can't Help Fawning Over Sexist GOP

Poll Shows Best Part Of Primary Season Has Been Really Getting To Know, Spend Time With 4 Great Guys

Nation's First Boombox-Carrying, Rollerskating Congressman Broke Boundaries

Romney, Santorum Supporters To Beat Living Shit Out Of Each Other At Montana Primary

Rick Santorum Relieved No One Has Asked Him About Interracial Marriage Yet

Gingrich Desperately Trying To Court People-Who-Vote Vote

Media Reminds Public Not To Overemphasize Super Tuesday Results Or Draw Any Sort Of Wide-Reaching Conclusions

Poll: 63% Of Americans Say They Have A Problem With A Mormon President Who Is Also Mitt Romney

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U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan