WASHINGTON—In an effort to bolster his campaign war chest after reporting historically low levels of cash on hand heading into July, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly raised $50 million at a Thursday night fundraiser dinner in which GOP donors were given the chance to watch him weep for two consecutive hours.
NEW YORK—With his presidential campaign facing a historic funding shortfall that has left it with only $1.3 million on hand, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump was reportedly forced to reduce costs this week by replacing Eric Trump with a cheap migrant son.
NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.
WASHINGTON—Breaking into a smile as he read the words “inclusiveness” and “young voters,” RNC chairman Reince Priebus couldn’t help but shake his head in amusement Wednesday while flipping through an 18-month-old briefing on the Republican Party’s plans for the 2016 election, sources reported.
WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.
WASHINGTON—Staring down in shock at her empty hands where the piece of legislation had been only seconds earlier, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) was reportedly left horrified Monday after her gun control bill disintegrated immediately upon crossing into the Senate chamber.
NEW YORK—Appearing relaxed and in high spirits as he sprinkled handfuls of bird feed around his rooftop coop, Donald Trump reportedly told his flock of domesticated pigeons Monday that it has been hard spending so much time away from them during his presidential campaign.
WASHINGTON—Addressing reporters after meeting with President Obama at the White House this morning, Bernie Sanders called upon his followers to post long-winded, extremely aggressive rants on social media, according to local supporter Ryan Bailey’s interpretation of the speech.
WASHINGTON—Admitting it was actually kind of a relief to have it over with, the nation’s voters reported Thursday that with Bernie Sanders no longer possessing a viable path to the nomination, they were glad they got all their feelings of hope in politicians out of their system for the next election cycle or two.