revenge

  • Perfecting Your Revenge Plot

    ISSUE 47•44 | 11.02.11 | Tips

    There are times when you have exercised all other options to resolve a difference, and vengeance is your sole remaining alternative. more»

  • My Revenge Will Be Rushed And Unfulfilling

    ISSUE 46•03 | 01.19.10 | Commentary

    Ah, yes. The time is at hand. No more shall the countless humiliations you have heaped upon me go unanswered. At last, the moment of reckoning. A... more»

  • Inconveniencing Others Makes Me Feel Alive

    ISSUE 44•36 | 09.03.08 | Commentary

    Every part of my body is tingling with excitement right now. I just got back from the supermarket. It was a crowded Saturday, and... more»

  • Bush Lets War Widow Punch His Arm Once

    ISSUE 44•35 | 08.26.08 | News in Brief

    WASHINGTON—In an unprecedented gesture of apology, President Bush allowed widow Mary Holt, 32, to punch him once on the left arm Monday as... more»

  • Cop Vows To Hunt Down Punk Who Successfully Pressed Brutality Charges Against His Partner

    ISSUE 44•34 | 08.18.08 | News in Brief

    DETROIT—Christopher O'Dell, a 16-year veteran of the Detroit Police Department, told reporters Monday that he will not rest until he exacts... more»

  • Local Man Vows Revenge Against Atlantic Ocean

    ISSUE 43•33 | 08.13.07 | News in Brief

    VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Following a harrowing experience last Thursday in which vacationer Seth Harris got caught in the Atlantic Ocean's... more»

  • When I Die, I'm Going To Haunt The Fuck Out Of You People

    ISSUE 43•16 | 04.18.07 | Commentary

    As long as I can remember, my life has been a constant stream of insults, condescension, and humiliation at the hands of you people. Well, I'm... more»

  • Kim Jong-Il Interprets Sunrise As Act Of War

    ISSUE 42•44 | 10.31.06 | News

    PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—Kim also warned against other "extreme transgressions" including inspections of North Korean cargo, shorter hemlines, and the release of yet another new sports drink. more»

  • Child In Corner To Exact Revenge As Soon As He Gets Out

    ISSUE 42•34 | 08.21.06 | News

    SEATTLE—Six-year-old Daniel Barriault says he has learned his lesson, but what those who wronged him don't realize is that their lesson has only just begun. more»

  • Copy Editor's Revenge Takes Form Of Unhyphenated Word

    ISSUE 42•09 | 02.27.06 | News in Brief

    BOSTON—Bruce Huntoon, a copy editor at Pilot magazine, intentionally did not correct the copy of columnist Justin Mann Monday. "I am... more»

  • Customer Service Operator Safely In Remote Location

    ISSUE 40•34 | 08.25.04 | News in Brief

    PHOENIX, AZ—Incompetent and uncaring U-Haul helpline operator Kamio Morton's remote Phoenix location is the only thing protecting him from brutal, bloody revenge at the hands of thousands of irate customers, sources reported Monday. "Listen, shitass, get me a tow truck right this fucking minute or, so help me God, I'll gut you," stranded Brooklyn motorist Don Jewison said from the shoulder of Chicago's I-294, where he had been awaiting assistance for more than four hours. "Put me on hold one more time, and I'll put you in the fucking hospital." Jewison is the 63rd motorist to impotently threaten Morton's life this year, a streak that is expected to come to a sudden end when a U-Haul truck inevitably breaks down within walking distance of Phoenix. more»

  • God Re-Floods Middle East

    ISSUE 38•16 | 05.01.02 | News

    JERUSALEM—In what theological and meteorological authorities are calling "a wrathful display of Old Testament proportions," the Lord Almighty re-flooded the Middle East Tuesday, making good on last week's threat to wipe the region clean if there was not an immediate halt to the bloodshed between Arabs and Jews. more»

  • All Seven Deadly Sins Committed At Church Bake Sale

    ISSUE 37•45 | 12.12.01 | News

    GADSDEN, AL—The seven deadly sins—avarice, sloth, envy, lust, gluttony, pride, and wrath—were all committed Sunday during the twice-annual bake sale at St. Mary's of the Immaculate Conception Church. more»

  • U.S. To Arab World: 'Stop Hating Us Or Suffer The Consequences'

    ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 37•41 | 11.14.01 | News in Brief

    WASHINGTON, DC— In a strongly worded ultimatum Tuesday, President Bush warned the Arab world to "stop hating the United States or suffer the consequences." "You have exactly 10 days to put aside your deep-rooted resentment and rage toward America and learn to like us," said Bush in a message broadcast live to 17 Arab nations via Al Jazeera. "If you fail to comply, prepare to have the full might of the U.S. military brought down upon you." Bush also threatened to carpet-bomb any Arab region whose populace continues to be angry about America's longtime bombing campaign against Iraq and the decade-long U.S. sanctions that have led to the malnutrition deaths of tens of thousands of Iraqi children. more»

  • U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We're At War With

    ISSUE 37•34 | 09.26.01 | News

    WASHINGTON, DC—In a televised address to the American people Tuesday, a determined President Bush vowed that the U.S. would defeat "whoever exactly it is we're at war with here." more»

  • Area Applebee's A Hotbed Of Machiavellian Political Maneuvering

    ISSUE 36•23 | 06.21.00 | News

    HARTFORD, CT–The site of a complex, ever-shifting web of alliances among servers, line cooks, hostesses, dishwashers, and managers, the Sheridan Avenue Applebee's is a hotbed of Machiavellian political maneuvering, sources reported Monday. more»

  • Brutal Gang Rape Gives Screenplay More 'Punch'

    ISSUE 35•41 | 11.10.99 | News in Brief

    HOLLYWOOD, CA–Screenwriter Justin Weichert "punched up" his screenplay for the action-suspense film Lethal Force, adding a brutal gang-rape scene, it was reported Monday. "The studio asked for a little more oomph, a little more edge," Weichert said of the added scene, in which the sister of lead character Jack Fist is brutally raped in an alley by Fist arch-enemy Ivan Petra and a band of the Russian drug lord's thugs. "So, to give Fist more motivation, I figured I'd put in a crime he'd definitely want revenge for. Only the sickest of freaks would fail to identify with the hero after seeing this rape scene." Weichert also noted that the scene calls for female nudity, which "has never hurt a film's box-office receipts." more»

  • Disgruntled Ninja Silently Kills 12 Co-Workers

    ISSUE 35•35 | 09.29.99 | News

    SKOKIE, IL—Toshiro Tenchumaru, a 34-year-old ninja and longtime employee at Azuma Copier Corporation in Skokie, stealthily took the lives of 12 co-workers Monday after suffering what investigators theorize was "a breakdown due to job-related stress." more»

  • Hall Monitor Pushed Into Girls' Restroom

    ISSUE 35•22 | 06.09.99 | News

    MILFORD, CT—Sixth-grader Alex Greibe tumbled into a disorienting trip to a place no sixth-grade boy had ever been before. more»

  • Aztec Extremists Cut Out Visiting Pope's Heart

    ISSUE 35•03 | 01.27.99 | News in Brief

    MEXICO CITY—Exacting retribution for Catholic explorer Hernando Cortez's destruction of their civilization, Aztec extremists cut out visiting Pope John Paul II's heart in a ritual ceremony Monday. "For nearly 500 years, we have been brutally oppressed by the Catholics, enduring slavery, inquisition, rape, disease, forced conversions and random terror," said Aztec high priest Xalpatlahuac, holding aloft the still-beating heart of the pope, who was making his fourth trip to Mexico since ascending to the papacy in 1979. "In the name of all those who have died, I sacrifice this heart to the sun god Huitzilopochtli." The 78-year-old Polish pontiff was riding through the streets of downtown Mexico City in his popemobile when the extremists seized him and carried him off to a nearby Aztec pyramid. He was then pinned down by four priests, and, after a brief struggle, his chest was carved open with a sacrificial obsidian knife. The Catholic ... more»

  • Wacky Morning DJ Vows To Hunt Down Scum That Killed His Partner

    ISSUE 32•10 | 10.07.97 | News

    OMAHA, NE—Dave "The Davester" Fayhem has promised to avenge the brutal murder with vigilante wacky-morning-DJ justice. more»

  • Every New Yorker Found Murdered

    ISSUE 30•14 | 11.12.96 | News in Brief

    NEW YORK—Every resident of New York City was found murdered Monday, pronounced dead by coroners flown in from neighboring cities. "The crime rate here in New York has never been higher," New Jersey Gov. Christie Todd Whitman, acting as interim mayor following the murder of Rudolph Giuliani, told reporters. "It is time to begin anew, with newer, hopefully less murderous citizens, maybe from Maine." Police authorities have no living suspects, but believe that the approximately 15 million inhabitants were probably killed by other New Yorkers, who were later also killed. "We have a great deal of forensic evidence, but precious little manpower, as all of the city's police officials are also dead," Whitman said. "The sad truth is, we may never know which New Yorkers killed which other New Yorkers before being killed themselves, and in which order." more»

  • Chuck Norris Fighting For Everyone Who Can't Fight Back

    ISSUE 30•06 | 09.18.96 | News in Brief

    COLUMBUS, OH—According to a local television announcer, at 11:30 p.m. this Sunday on WPZH channel 27, Chuck Norris will fight for everyone who can't fight back. "Chuck Norris is a renegade cop on a deadly one-way mission for revenge," the announcer said. "His assignment? Action." The announcer added that Norris, whose designated mission code name is Lone Wolf McQuade, will not come back until he gets what's his. Norris plans to repeat the highly dangerous, covert mission again at 2 a.m. Monday on the same channel. more»

  • Enraged Gorilla Beats, Maims Luggage Manufacturer

    ISSUE 29•02 | 01.22.96 | Archive

    Still furious over his inability to inflict damage upon numerous pieces of high-quality Samsonite luggage many years ago, Bobo the Gorilla severely pummeled Samsonite CEO Frank Jurgens into a life-threatening coma yesterday. more»

  • Police to Pillage, Terrify Community

    ISSUE 28•13 | 11.06.95 | Archive

    LOS ANGELES (AP)—Citing revenge for what they bill a consistently deteriorating support base and general lack of appreciation, area police are gearing up to get even with the community this evening. more»

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan

“Why should everyone in Pakistan have to suffer for one doctor’s foolish decision to rid the nation of a mass murderer?”

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