science

Brooke Alvarez Has All The Answers, Even About Particle Physics 12.08.11

One fan tries to stump Brooke with a tough question about the giant hadron collider, but Brooke isn't ruffled in the slightest. more»

Scientists Trace Heat Wave To Massive Star At Center Of Solar System 08.08.11

PASADENA, CA—Groundbreaking new findings announced Monday suggest the record-setting heat wave plaguing much of the United States may be due to radiation emitted from an enormous star located in the center of the solar system. more»

New Study Shows People With Panic Disorders Respond Poorly To Being Locked In Underwater Elevators 07.11.11

NEW HAVEN, CT—A new study published Monday in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology found that those who suffer from panic disorder react negatively to being locked in underwater elevators for indefinite periods of time. According to Dr. Richard... more»

Scientists Baffled By Man's Incredible Ability To Fuck Up Every Time 03.07.11

BALTIMORE—Neurologists at Johns Hopkins University confirmed Monday they remain completely baffled by Rockville, MD resident Erik Collins, a man who possesses an extraordinary and previously undocumented ability to fuck everything up. more»

Video: Onion News Network On IFC

Brooke Alvarez Has All The Answers, Even About Particle Physics
News

Scientists Trace Heat Wave To Massive Star At Center Of Solar System
News

New Study Shows People With Panic Disorders Respond Poorly To Being Locked In Underwater Elevators
News

Scientists Baffled By Man's Incredible Ability To Fuck Up Every Time

Scientist Has Nagging Feeling He Left Particle Accelerator Running.

ISSUE 47•45 | 11.11.11 | Radio News
Climate Change Causing Smaller Animals

ISSUE 47•42 | 10.18.11 | American Voices

According to researchers, warmer, drier climates are leading to smaller animals, which may disrupt the food chain. more»
Pediatricians Announce 2011 Newborns Are Ugliest Babies In 30 Years

ISSUE 47•50 ISSUE 47•39 | 09.27.11 | News in Brief

ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—According to a statement released Tuesday by the American Academy of Pediatrics, the babies born in 2011 have thus far been the ugliest on record since 1981. more»
Report: Fax Machines Still Pretty Impressive If You Think About It

ISSUE 47•35 | 09.04.11 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Fax machines, despite using 40-year-old technology and having come into prominence in the 1980s, are actually still pretty impressive if you think about it, a new Brookings Institute report confirmed Tuesday. more»
Science Confirms Men and Women Never Meant To Be More Than Friends

ISSUE 47•13 | 03.28.11 | News in Brief

UPSALA, SWEDEN—In a shocking reversal of thousands of years of thinking on human reproduction, researchers at the Swedish Collegium for Advanced Study in the Social Sciences announced Monday that sexual contact is a genetic accident, and men and wom... more»
Suffering Blue Whales Plead With Environmentalists To Let Them Go Extinct Already

ISSUE 46•24 | 06.19.10 | News

NORTH PACIFIC OCEAN—"We really appreciate all you've done for us, but now you need to let us die," intoned a 170-ton blue whale through a series of deep and mournful vocalizations. "I swallowed two plastic coolers, a tire, and about a hundred gallons of oil this morning. Is that any way to live?" more»
New Study Confirms Humans Only Use 10% Of Genitalia

ISSUE 46•20 | 05.18.10 | News in Brief

BOSTON—A surprising new study published in The New England Journal Of Medicine this week has revealed that human beings only use 10 percent of their genitalia at any given time. more»
Cameron Distributing Darwin

ISSUE 45•49 | 11.30.09 | American Voices

Actor Kirk Cameron, best known for his work on the television program Growing Pains, is touring college campuses to hand out copies of Charles... more»
The Money We Waste On NASA's Space Program Would Be Better Spent On Space Programs For The Poor

ISSUE 45•48 | 11.26.09 | Commentary

So, the United States just sent another multimillion-dollar shuttle out into space to do God knows what. Yet all the while, back here on Earth,... more»
Looks Like We Got Ourselves A Regular Nobel Prize-Winning Physicist Douglas Osheroff On Our Hands

ISSUE 45•41 | 10.06.09 | Commentary

Hey, check out the "professor" over here. "Oh, the beer at this party isn't very cold," he says. Well, now, aren't we just a regular expert in... more»
Bee Stuck Between Screen Door, Front Door Going Fucking Nuts

ISSUE 45•24 | 06.11.09 | News in Brief

HUNTSVILE, AL—Users of the front door at 1418 Sycamore Avenue report the appearance of a common bumblebee ricocheting back and forth between... more»
Chicken-Shit Asteroid Veers Away At Last Minute

ISSUE 45•20 | 05.11.09 | News

TUCSON, AZ—"This potential extinction-level event turned out to be a puss-out of cosmic proportions," explained Dr. Richard Kowalski. "Earth didn't even flinch." more»
The Animal Kingdom

ISSUE 44•45 | 11.10.08 | Slideshow
First Openly Gay Racehorse To Compete Sunday

ISSUE 44•43 | 10.21.08 | Newsroom

As controversy swirls around thoroughbred Ship's Captain, the horse's trainer says people should focus on the horse's abilities, not its sexuality. more»
China Launches First Willing Manned Mission Into Space

ISSUE 44•40 | 10.01.08 | Newsroom

Chinese gathered to see Zhang Tong, the first Chinese man to go into space without being chained inside the rocket. more»
Chimp Study On Human Response To Feces-Hurling Nears Completion

ISSUE 44•38 | 09.21.08 | Radio News
Mob Not Angry At Monster, Just Disappointed

ISSUE 44•30 | 07.26.08 | News

CEAMURLIA, ROMANIA—"We can't help him unless he helps himself," said a villager. "Right now, all he seems to want to do is hang out and drown small children." more»
Domino's Scientists Test Limits Of What Humans Will Eat

ISSUE 44•30 | 07.22.08 | Newsroom

Despite ethical concerns about testing on humans, researchers say their work was necessary to determine the boundary between garbage and food. more»
George Takei To Wed Partner

ISSUE 44•26 ISSUE 44•25 | 06.24.08 | American Voices

Following California's legalization of gay marriage, George Takei, best known as Sulu on Star Trek, has applied to marry his longtime partner.... more»
Drunk Physicists Write Equations All Over Passed-Out Colleague's Face

ISSUE 44•25 | 06.19.08 | Radio News
Genetic Scientists Develop Sheep With Brain Of A Goat

ISSUE 44•23 | 06.04.08 | Newsroom

After years of experiments and tens of millions of dollars, scientists have finally created a sheep that thinks and acts like a goat. more»
Everything Falling Apart, Reports Institute For Somehow Managing To Hold It All Together

ISSUE 44•20 | 05.14.08 | News

WASHINGTON—"Though we're working to fix things, the situation has become OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE—I just spilled coffee on myself," said the institute's chairman. more»
Jaded Seismologist Can No Longer Feel Anything Under 7.0 On Richter Scale

ISSUE 44•19 | 05.05.08 | News in Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—Numbed by 30-plus years of recording more than 700,000 major and minor earthquakes, seismologist Richard Keefer, 58, told... more»
Son-Of-A-Bitch Mouse Solves Maze Researchers Spent Months Building

ISSUE 44•16 | 04.19.08 | News

IOWA CITY, IA—The mouse briskly traversed the complicated wooden maze in under 30 seconds, roughly 1/8,789,258 the time it took to secure funding for the experiment. more»
Science Teacher Struggles To Justify Showing Total Recall

ISSUE 44•05 | 01.29.08 | News in Brief

SOUTH BELOIT, IL—South Beloit High School biology teacher Nathan Merchant struggled Tuesday to provide a satisfactory educational reason for... more»

science

Brooke Alvarez Has All The Answers, Even About Particle Physics 12.08.11

Scientists Trace Heat Wave To Massive Star At Center Of Solar System 08.08.11

New Study Shows People With Panic Disorders Respond Poorly To Being Locked In Underwater Elevators 07.11.11

Scientists Baffled By Man's Incredible Ability To Fuck Up Every Time 03.07.11

Video: Onion News Network On IFC

News

News

News

Infographic

News in Photos

Sunday Magazine

Scientist Has Nagging Feeling He Left Particle Accelerator Running.

Climate Change Causing Smaller Animals

Pediatricians Announce 2011 Newborns Are Ugliest Babies In 30 Years

Report: Fax Machines Still Pretty Impressive If You Think About It

Science Confirms Men and Women Never Meant To Be More Than Friends

Suffering Blue Whales Plead With Environmentalists To Let Them Go Extinct Already

New Study Confirms Humans Only Use 10% Of Genitalia

Cameron Distributing Darwin

The Money We Waste On NASA's Space Program Would Be Better Spent On Space Programs For The Poor

Looks Like We Got Ourselves A Regular Nobel Prize-Winning Physicist Douglas Osheroff On Our Hands

Bee Stuck Between Screen Door, Front Door Going Fucking Nuts

Chicken-Shit Asteroid Veers Away At Last Minute

The Animal Kingdom

First Openly Gay Racehorse To Compete Sunday

China Launches First Willing Manned Mission Into Space

Chimp Study On Human Response To Feces-Hurling Nears Completion

Mob Not Angry At Monster, Just Disappointed

Domino's Scientists Test Limits Of What Humans Will Eat

George Takei To Wed Partner

Drunk Physicists Write Equations All Over Passed-Out Colleague's Face

Genetic Scientists Develop Sheep With Brain Of A Goat

Everything Falling Apart, Reports Institute For Somehow Managing To Hold It All Together

Jaded Seismologist Can No Longer Feel Anything Under 7.0 On Richter Scale

Son-Of-A-Bitch Mouse Solves Maze Researchers Spent Months Building

Science Teacher Struggles To Justify Showing Total Recall

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan