Obama Modifies 'Yes We Can' Message To Exclude Area Loser
COLUMBIA, SC—Nate Walsh, who has lived with his parents since 2001, no longer figures into the senator’s plan of rallying Americans around a ...
Mob Not Angry At Monster, Just Disappointed
CEAMURLIA, ROMANIA—"We can't help him unless he helps himself," said a villager. "Right now, all he seems to want to do is hang ...
Area Man Puts On Some Nice Pants For Once In His Life
OAKLAND, CA—Hallelujah, what do you know—reports have surfaced that Michael Bohlke put on a nice pair of pants for once in his 28 ...
Closing Of Homeless Shelter Leaves College-Application-Padding Students With Nowhere To Turn
NEW YORK—The shelter provided a safe place to improve students' transcripts, allowing them to escape from the dangers of cleaning up inner-city neighborhoods.
Rock-Bottom Loser Entertaining Offers From Several Religions
FINDLAY, OH—After declaring his intention to drink himself into oblivion two months ago, Owen Pritchard has nearly every popular religion vying for his devotion.
