OAKLAND, CA—In the midst of celebrating the team’s first NBA title Sunday after defeating the Golden State Warriors, sources confirmed that Cleveland Cavaliers players sheepishly told power forward Kevin Love that they weren’t aware of any postgame parties taking place later in the night.
THE HEAVENS—Despite allowing the Cavaliers to win the city’s first major sports championship in 52 years, God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, confirmed Sunday that He still hates Cleveland fans.
SAINT-ÉTIENNE, FRANCE—Midway through Friday’s Euro 2016 group stage match between the Czech Republic and Croatia, sources confirmed that, oh good, the sound of an explosion that just echoed throughout the stadium was only a fan firing an enormous flare gun.
WASHINGTON—Stressing the urgent need for an increase in such clips both on television and the internet, Americans across the nation fiercely and unanimously demanded to see more golf highlights where the ball lands on the green, but then rolls all the way back down a big hill, sources confirmed Tuesday.
NEW YORK—Confessing that they are unable to explain the presence of the two men who always accompany the championship trophy, officials from the NHL admitted Friday that they have absolutely no idea who the guys with white gloves carrying the Stanley Cup actually are.
CLEVELAND—Claiming that it has been a constant source of motivation throughout his career, Golden State Warriors power forward Draymond Green revealed to reporters Thursday that he is able to recite, completely from memory, the names of every single player drafted ahead of him in NBA history.
BALTIMORE—Providing a shrewd and ingenious take on the late boxer’s life, visionary Baltimore Sun columnist Jason Lowe reportedly asserted Monday that Muhammad Ali’s greatest fight did not, in fact, take place in the ring.
WASHINGTON—Speaking out on the legacy of one of the 20th century’s most towering figures in both sports and the civil rights movement following his recent passing, dozens of social issues reported Monday that they were extremely thankful they never had to go toe-to-toe with Muhammad Ali.
PHILADELPHIA—Reflecting on his career aspirations after being selected by the Philadelphia Eagles in the first round of the 2016 NFL Draft, rookie quarterback Carson Wentz admitted to reporters Tuesday that he is simply hoping to skip to the part where he is a respected veteran backup.