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    Athlete’s Heartwarming Story Fucking Sucks

    INDIANAPOLIS—Sources from across the nation confirmed Friday that the heartwarming story of Indianapolis Colts scout team player Marcus Newsome, a 31-year-old linebacker who realized ...

    Report: Jets Players Lied About Concussion Symptoms To Get Out Of Games

    NEW YORK—Bringing further attention to the NFL’s ongoing struggles with head-trauma-related issues, an anonymous survey published Thursday by ESPN revealed that multiple players ...

    Lakers Confident They Just Need Another Once-In-A-Generation Player To Get Back On Track

    LOS ANGELES—Despite his team’s dismal start to the NBA season, Los Angeles Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak told reporters Wednesday that he believes ...

    Jon Gruden Impressed By Every Blade Of Grass On Football Field

    GREEN BAY, WI—Hailing their contribution to the game as “extraordinary” and “totally underrated,” ESPN Monday Night Football commentator Jon Gruden was reportedly full of ...

    No One At CBS Remembers Hiring O.J. Simpson As Color Commentator

    NEW YORK—Claiming that their hiring protocol for on-air talent is usually very meticulous, sources at CBS confirmed Sunday that no one within the network ...

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      NFL To Crack Down On Players For Excessive Thanksgiving Celebrations

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      Florida State Coaches Award Helmet Sticker To Tallahassee Police Officer

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      NFL Issues Stern Warning Against Looking Directly At Raiders' Offense

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      Empty Streets In Kansas City Not Necessarily Indicative Of Royals World Series Game Being On

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      Football Hall Of Fame Acquires Peyton Manning's Record-Breaking Touchdown-Throwing Arm

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      Abysmal TV Ratings Continue Miraculous Run Through MLB Playoffs

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      Report: Stresses Of Jets Coaching Job Has Caused Rex Ryan To Lose Over 400 Pounds

    It Becoming More And More Clear That Browns Fan Came To Sports Bar Alone

    HOUSTON—Noting his quiet demeanor and the fact that he has not been included in any of the conversations taking place around him, sources at ...

    Rookie Teammate Worried Ndamukong Suh Taking Him Under Wing

    DETROIT—Calling the recent realization alarming and something he is not at all comfortable with, Detroit Lions rookie defensive end Larry Webster III expressed his ...

    Doctors Reveal Derrick Rose Injuries Leading To Incredible New Advancements In Orthopedic Surgery

    CHICAGO—Saying that the 26-year-old’s body has necessitated cutting-edge medical treatment never before thought possible, leading doctors confirmed Thursday that Derrick Rose’s persistent ...

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    On The Miami Heat's Win Streak Ending After 27 Games

    On The Miami Heat's Win Streak Ending After 27 Games
    “This is the best news to come out of Chicago since that night only four people were shot and killed.”
    • On The Fake Dead Girlfriend Of Notre Dame Star Manti Te’o
    • On Alabama Winning Its Third BCS Championship In Four Years

    • What's On Tonight: Benched closes out its season with a full hour and the surprise return of BERT

    • Keyboard Geniuses: Gameological readers discuss their favorite games of 2014

    • Holiday Undercover: Into It. Over It. covers "Assassination On X-Mas Eve"

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    • The Onion Looks Back At 'Home Alone'

    • The Onion Reviews 'The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies'

    • Owner's Box: Bearded Robert Griffin III Spotted Living In Houseboat On Chesapeake Bay

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