FOXBOROUGH, MA—Despite the severely emaciated quarterback vowing to continue his protest until his four-game suspension is overturned, members of the New England Patriots told reporters Wednesday they remain hopeful that Tom Brady will end his hunger strike in time for training camp.
SAN ANTONIO—Speaking to reporters after announcing his retirement from professional basketball, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan proudly reflected on all of the academic degrees he accumulated during his 19 years in the NBA.
OAKLAND, CA—In the midst of celebrating the team’s first NBA title Sunday after defeating the Golden State Warriors, sources confirmed that Cleveland Cavaliers players sheepishly told power forward Kevin Love that they weren’t aware of any postgame parties taking place later in the night.
THE HEAVENS—Despite allowing the Cavaliers to win the city’s first major sports championship in 52 years, God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, confirmed Sunday that He still hates Cleveland fans.
SAINT-ÉTIENNE, FRANCE—Midway through Friday’s Euro 2016 group stage match between the Czech Republic and Croatia, sources confirmed that, oh good, the sound of an explosion that just echoed throughout the stadium was only a fan firing an enormous flare gun.
WASHINGTON—Stressing the urgent need for an increase in such clips both on television and the internet, Americans across the nation fiercely and unanimously demanded to see more golf highlights where the ball lands on the green, but then rolls all the way back down a big hill, sources confirmed Tuesday.
NEW YORK—Confessing that they are unable to explain the presence of the two men who always accompany the championship trophy, officials from the NHL admitted Friday that they have absolutely no idea who the guys with white gloves carrying the Stanley Cup actually are.
CLEVELAND—Claiming that it has been a constant source of motivation throughout his career, Golden State Warriors power forward Draymond Green revealed to reporters Thursday that he is able to recite, completely from memory, the names of every single player drafted ahead of him in NBA history.