MANSFIELD, OH—Frantically shifting his gaze between the field and play clock as the seconds wound down, local 34-year-old football fan Isaac Collins announced Sunday that the quarterback better hurry the hell up and snap the ball.
NEW YORK—Saying that it is the perfect way to further increase the sport’s popularity, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced Monday that the league will soon begin holding a regular-season game deep within the Earth’s inner core.
INDIANAPOLIS—Cowering in the dark at the top of the locker room steps, a tearful Andrew Luck reportedly hugged his knees to his chest Wednesday while listening to Colts head coach Chuck Pagano and general manager Ryan Grigson fighting downstairs.
ANN ARBOR, MI—Stressing the importance of physical and mental preparation for their upcoming game against UNLV, a wild-eyed, frenzied Jim Harbaugh reportedly informed all University of Michigan players Saturday that they would have to kill their pregame meal themselves.
BRIDGEPORT, WV—Noting that the 50-year-old was in stable condition after the grisly injury, sources confirmed Friday that veteran sportswriter Mike Florio lost three fingers on his right hand following an accident while working in the ProFootballTalk Rumor Mill.
‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says
NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.
MIAMI—With the star defensive tackle struggling considerably in the first two weeks of the season, Miami Dolphins coaches told reporters Wednesday that they have been working closely with Ndamukong Suh to fix his quarterback-throwing mechanics.