EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Excitedly watching the exhibition game in the half-empty stadium, local 13-year-old Josh McNeil reportedly had an overall pretty decent birthday party Saturday night at a Week 3 preseason NFL game between the New York Giants and the New York Jets.
SOUTH WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Expressing sorrow at the mere thought of what she has to endure, Americans across the nation confirmed Thursday that they feel absolutely terrible for the wife of a Little League World Series coach.
NORMAN, OK—Watching the 11-year-old play shortstop for his Little League team, local father Mark Garrett reported Wednesday that he thinks his son, Nathan, has what it takes to become an embittered alcoholic journeyman in the minor leagues.
WASHINGTON—Noting that the two-week spectacle had likely stirred up a newfound passion and enthusiasm for the Games, reports confirmed Monday that some dumb fuck out there probably wants his city to host the Olympics now.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Reflecting on the recently concluded 2016 Summer Games in Rio, members of the International Olympic Committee held a press conference Sunday to proudly announce that on the whole, only about four or five really terrible things happened.
MOSCOW—Stressing that they are on the precipice of a major crisis, Russian Olympic Committee officials held a press conference Friday to confirm that the team’s clean urine reservoir is almost fully depleted.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Candidly opening up about his winning strategy after taking gold in the event, U.S. Olympic triple-jumper Christian Taylor revealed to reporters Friday that the key to a successful triple jump is jumping twice, and then jumping one more time.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.