NFL Week Three Winners And Losers
Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the third week of the 2015 NFL season
Sports
Wild-Eyed Jim Harbaugh Informs Players They Must Kill Their Pregame Meal
ANN ARBOR, MI—Stressing the importance of physical and mental preparation for their upcoming game against UNLV, a wild-eyed, frenzied Jim Harbaugh reportedly informed all University of Michigan players Saturday that they would have to kill their pregame meal themselves.
Mike Florio Loses 3 Fingers After Accident While Working At ProFootballTalk Rumor Mill
BRIDGEPORT, WV—Noting that the 50-year-old was in stable condition after the grisly injury, sources confirmed Friday that veteran sportswriter Mike Florio lost three fingers on his right hand following an accident while working in the ProFootballTalk Rumor Mill.
Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly
Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?
Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game
‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says
NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.
Dolphins Coaches Trying To Fix Ndamukong Suh’s Quarterback-Throwing Mechanics
MIAMI—With the star defensive tackle struggling considerably in the first two weeks of the season, Miami Dolphins coaches told reporters Wednesday that they have been working closely with Ndamukong Suh to fix his quarterback-throwing mechanics.
NFL Week Two Winners And Losers
Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the second week of the 2015 NFL season:
New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods
BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.
Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota
With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?
With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?
Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.
