LOS ANGELES—In an effort to prevent violent confrontations between spectators during home games, Los Angeles law enforcement officials released a statement Tuesday warning all away fans at Dodger Stadium to always wear team-neutral body armor.
BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.
MADISON, WI—Saying that he is constantly offering words of encouragement and various pointers on maintaining a proper stance, sources confirmed Tuesday that no one at Damen’s Sports Complex appears to know a middle-aged man leaning against the batting cages giving people hitting advice.
CLEVELAND—Calling it a complete and utter failure not worthy of Major League Baseball, sources at Progressive Field confirmed Monday that the stadium’s pathetic home run animation doesn’t even show a baseball screaming as it leaves Earth and flies into outer space.
ATLANTA—Stressing that the small bit of housecleaning still needs to be addressed, Atlanta Braves manager Fredi Gonzalez reportedly reminded his players Wednesday that he will be throwing out all unclaimed steroids left in the locker room refrigerator by the end of the day on Friday.
ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—Joining such greats as Green Bay Packers running back Paul Hornung and “Shoeless” Joe Jackson of the 1919 Chicago White Sox, former Cincinnati Reds star Pete Rose and retired NBA referee Tim Donaghy were among the inductees enshrined Monday evening in the Sports Betting Hall of Fame.
EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Hoping to gain some insight from his incredible wealth of knowledge and experience, younger Minnesota Vikings players told reporters Friday that they have been picking running back Adrian Peterson’s brain during minicamp for helpful parenting advice.
UNIVERSITY PLACE, WA—Utterly overwhelmed by the thought of the planet’s surface containing such an unfathomable amount of the natural course obstacles, pro golfer Bubba Watson expressed both shock and fear Friday upon learning that approximately two-thirds of Earth is covered in water hazards.
CHESTNUT HILL, MA—Moments after receiving their Super Bowl XLIX championship rings at team owner Robert Kraft’s home earlier this week, sources confirmed that New England Patriots players and coaches were horrified to find that the rings caused their fingers to instantly shrivel up and turn black.