A time-travel theoretical ONION STORE: Sept 11 Front Page Print

16,000 Diamondbacks Fans Killed On Complimentary Rattlesnake Night  09.10.10

PHOENIX—The Arizona Diamondbacks organization apologized to fans, their families, and the community at large Thursday after more than 16,000 people attending the previous night's game were killed by the poisonous Western diamondback rattlesnakes given out as part of Complimentary Rattlesnake Night. more»
What To Watch For

Breakfast At The Open (Tennis Channel) 10 a.m. EDT/9 a.m. CDT As long as you're watching the Open anyway, the Tennis Channel just thought you might appreciate a nice breakfast.

Sports History

1990: 19-year-old Pete Sampras wins the U.S. Open by defeating Andre Agassi; what have you done lately you 34-year-old waste of 279 pounds?

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