GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.
GREEN BAY, WI—Noting with urgency that play was about to resume after a brief timeout on the field, sources confirmed Sunday that CBS announcer Jim Nantz better hurry the fuck up congratulating one of the broadcast’s producers on his new baby and get back to the Packers-Texans game.
BALTIMORE—Wincing and shaking his head at the sight of trainers assisting the opposing team’s running back off the field, 34-year-old Baltimore Ravens fan Bobby Ferrara announced Sunday that “you hate to see that” while secretly feeling thrilled about the injury.
STATE COLLEGE, PA—Members of the Penn State football coaching staff revealed to reporters Friday that they have no idea what to do with the unbelievably innovative defensive playbooks former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky continues to send them on a regular basis.
After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?
CLEVELAND—Having watched in horror as their team crumbled after a 3-1 World Series lead, members of the Cleveland Indians expressed concern Thursday that the organization has been cursed for building their franchise on an incredibly old Native American stereotype.
THE HEAVENS—Following a 8-7 victory over the Cleveland Indians that clinched the team’s first World Series title since 1908, sources confirmed Wednesday that millions of intoxicated Chicago Cubs fans are currently rioting across Heaven.
CHICAGO—Barely able to communicate through the din of thunderous noise during Game 3 of the World Series, members of the Cleveland Indians admitted Friday to being completely rattled by the deafening sound of the Wrigley Field crowd’s indigestion.