Miami Heat Unprepared For Chainsaw-Wielding Pacers

MIAMI—During Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals, players on the Miami Heat confirmed Wednesday that they were wholly unprepared for the aggressive brand ...

Brian Urlacher Retires With Plenty Of Injuries Left In The Tank

CHICAGO—Iconic Bears middle linebacker Brian Urlacher officially announced his retirement from the NFL Wednesday, despite acknowledging that he still had “a lot of injuries ...

Calvin Johnson Says He Played 2012 Season With Broken Heart

DETROIT—Months following his record-setting 2012 campaign, Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson shocked football fans Wednesday, revealing that he played much of last season with ...

Cleveland Browns Gearing Up To Punt Ball Down Opponents’ Throats

CLEVELAND—Claiming they want to impose their will against the competition, Cleveland Browns head coach Rob Chudzinski announced Friday that the team is gearing up ...

Skill Difference Between Top, Bottom High School Tennis Seeds Hilarious

PALATINE, IL—During a tennis tournament hosted by Fremd High School, spectators, coaches, and fellow competitors agreed Thursday that the massive gulf in skill levels ...