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  • Carlos Beltran First Player To Homer From Three Sides Of The Plate
  • Reggie Bush Listed As Product For Sale On Nike's Web Site
  • Tim Tebow Impressing Broncos With Absence
  • Success Of I'll Have Another Making Nation's Other 3-Year-Olds Feel Inadequate
  • Pau Gasol Blamed For Making Kobe Bryant Sound Like Asshole
  • Bryce Harper Asks Manager Where Bats Come From

Super Bowl

  • Super Bowl XLVI Preview Guide

    ISSUE 48•05 | 02.01.12 | Slideshow

    The Super Bowl is almost here, and no fan can afford to be without the Onion Sports guide to the game's most crucial personnel. more»

  • Aaron Rodgers Celebrates Super Bowl Win With Drew Brees' Son

    ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Photo Finish

  • On Arguably The Worst Halftime Show Ever

    ISSUE 47•06 | 02.11.11 | Fan On The Street

  • Tonight In The Dome: Shaq To Be Traded And Broken Down For Parts, The Last Word On Super Bowl XLV, And More

    02.08.11 | Blog

    If your hair and teeth are falling out and your skin is covered with seeping blisters, you're still dealing with the Super Bowl fallout. more»

  • Announcing The Winners Of Our Super Bowl One Second Ad Contest

    02.07.11 | Blog

    Thank you, Domers, for all of your submissions to OSN’s One Second Chance Super Bowl Contest. They were all terrific. more»

  • Shepard's Pie: That Is Exactly How I Predicted The Super Bowl Would Turn Out

    ISSUE 47•05 | 02.07.11 | Blog

    Surprised? I'm not. This is basically what I've been saying all along: that the Packers would use an opportunistic defense and a stalwart passing effort from Aaron Rodgers to defeat the Steelers. That's what I said would happen and that's what did happen... more»

  • Puppy Bowl Marred By Tragic Spinal Injury

    ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•05 | 02.06.11 | Sports News

    SILVER SPRING, MD—Puppy Bowl VII, puppy football's biggest annual event, came to a complete standstill Sunday when Alvin, a 3-month-old schnauzer mix, suffered a freak spinal injury while chasing down a loose squeaky football. The injury, which occu... more»

  • Jacksonville Jaguars Stun NFL By Taking Completely Different Road To Super Bowl

    ISSUE 47•05 | 02.05.11 | Sports News in Brief

    ARLINGTON, TX—Bypassing the traditional route of winning in the playoffs, the 8-8 Jacksonville Jaguars stunned the NFL Monday by exploiting a little-known loophole to qualify for Super Bowl XLV. more»

  • Microphone Really Creeped Out By Being So Close To Ben Roethlisberger's Face

    ISSUE 47•51 ISSUE 47•05 | 02.04.11 | Photo Finish

  • Super Bowl Still Hasn't Happened Yet

    ISSUE 47•05 | 02.04.11 | Sports News in Brief

    ARLINGTON, TX—Despite the overwhelming media hype, countless interviews with players and coaches, and considerable speculation about the big game since the conference champions earned Super Bowl berths nearly two weeks ago, Super Bowl XLV still hasn... more»

  • Great Moments In The Histories Of The Steelers and Packers

    ISSUE 47•05 | 02.04.11 | Sportsgraphic

    They are two of the league's premier franchises and have given football some of its most memorable moments. We look at some of the best. more»

  • Packers Fans

    ISSUE 47•05 | 02.03.11 | Sports News

    STRENGTHS: Whatever muscles one uses to lift 340 pounds of lard out of bed each morning; unwilling to let work, family, religion, or even basic necessities like health and shelter stand in the way of their devotion to the Packers; best fans in the ... more»

  • Mike McCarthy

    ISSUE 47•05 | 02.03.11 | Sports News

    STRENGTHS: Never-ending source of thrilling sound bites such as "We'll address that after the Super Bowl," "That's a nonissue for us," and "We're just here to play football"; known for wild offensive trickery such as t... more»

  • Clay Matthews

    ISSUE 47•05 | 02.03.11 | Sports News

    STRENGTHS: Able to tackle all players, even those who don't desire to be tackled; thick shag carpet matches the long drapes; dislikes not hitting people WEAKNESSES: Sacks actually his second favorite statistic behind the obscure "Tackle... more»

  • Charles Woodson

    ISSUE 47•05 | 02.03.11 | Sports News

    STRENGTHS: Won the Heisman Trophy, which, come to think of it, has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on this game; unique ability to line-up anywhere on the field except, for some reason, the 36-yard line; disguises blitz by dropping back into cover... more»

  • Donald Driver

    ISSUE 47•05 | 02.03.11 | Sports News

    STRENGTHS: Best player in league at smiling after the catch; phenomenal jumper, but also remarkable at standing perfectly still; great route runner in the way that's actually not a euphemism for "slow as shit" WEAKNESSES: Expressin... more»

  • Aaron Rodgers

    ISSUE 47•05 | 02.03.11 | Sports News

    STRENGTHS: Sees the field almost too well, so is sometimes distracted by unevenly cut grass or poorly painted on-field lines; best time-out calling mechanics in NFL; uses mobility and quick feet to escape shadow of Brett Favre WEAKNESSES: Yo... more»

  • Steelers Fans

    ISSUE 47•05 | 02.03.11 | Sports News

    STRENGTHS: Somehow pull off rooting for a team that always wins without coming off like Patriots fans; good at waving things, spinning things; best fans in the world WEAKNESSES: Still sort of like Terry Bradshaw; still sort of cheer for Ben ... more»

  • Mike Tomlin

    ISSUE 47•05 | 02.03.11 | Sports News

    STRENGTHS: Summoned the hypocrisy necessary to trade Santonio Holmes for pot infraction but keep Ben Roethlisberger; can manage and motivate an entire 40-man roster of elite athletes while staying on one side of white line; only decided to coach th... more»

  • Troy Polamalu

    ISSUE 47•05 | 02.03.11 | Sports News

    STRENGTHS: So good, only needs to play 75 percent of season to be named Defensive Player of the Year; eight-year veteran at strong safety, but reads offenses at a 12th-year level; is behind you right now WEAKNESSES: Style of play should have... more»

  • James Harrison

    ISSUE 47•05 | 02.03.11 | Sports News

    STRENGTHS: Has given NFL $3 million in fine money prior to game so he can feel free to tackle helmet-first anytime he wants, which shows good strategic thinking; good at murder; plays Steeler football, whatever the hell that means WEAKNESSES:... more»

  • Hines Ward

    ISSUE 47•05 | 02.03.11 | Sports News

    STRENGTHS: One of the most agreeable assholes in the game; block on Keith Rivers received harsh critical reviews but grossed $12.5 million worldwide; great blocking receiver, mangling receiver; unlike some Steelers receivers, can in fact catch a co... more»

  • Ben Roethlisberger

    ISSUE 47•05 | 02.03.11 | Sports News

    STRENGTHS: Defensive ends and blitzing linebackers have trouble getting a grasp on his misshapen head; remarkable ability to avoid tacklers, prosecution; because his offensive line sort of sucks shit, has figured out how to extend plays indefinitel... more»

  • Super Bowl XLV Preview Guide

    ISSUE 47•05 | 02.03.11 | Sports News

    With Super Bowl XLV upon us, Onion Sports has assembled this guide to each team's top players, coaches, and fans to help you answer the crucial question: Will Super Bowl XLV be any good? more»

  • Steelers, Packers

    ISSUE 47•05 | 02.03.11 | Sports News in Brief

    ARLINGTON, TX—Over the past two weeks, sources close to the NFL have confirmed Steelers, Packers. more»

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan

“Why should everyone in Pakistan have to suffer for one doctor’s foolish decision to rid the nation of a mass murderer?”

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