survival

  • End Of Last Meals For Death Row Inmates Could Decimate Texas Restaurant Industry

    ISSUE 47•41 | 10.12.11 | News in Brief

    AUSTIN, TX—Texas restaurant owners voiced concerns Friday over the recent decision of state prison officials to end last meals for death row inmates, claiming the ban would decimate a substantial portion of their industry's revenues. more»

  • Obama Narrowly Survives Carnivorous Section Of Rose Garden

    ISSUE 45•11 | 03.10.09 | News in Brief

    WASHINGTON—In his first major gaffe since taking office, President Obama accidentally stepped too close to the ferocious, man-eating plants... more»

  • Survive This Recession? Do I Look Like I'm Madoff Money?

    ISSUE 45•06 | 02.03.09 | Commentary

    Folks, times sure have gotten tough, economically speaking. There's no point in splitting hairs here (it'd take too long to find one on this cue... more»

  • 4 Billion Years Of Evolution Unable To Prevent Area Man From Drooling On Self

    ISSUE 43•41 | 10.07.07 | News in Brief

    BRESLAU, NE—Nearly four billion years of biological evolution failed to prevent local man Dale Haynes from accidentally drooling all over... more»

  • FEMA Disaster Survival Tips

    ISSUE 41•39 | 09.28.05 | Tips

    Recent events have underscored the importance of being properly prepared to deal with the effects of natural disasters. With that in mind, the Federal Emergency Management Agency has prepared the following guidelines. more»

  • Greenpeace Decides Northern Spotted Owl 'Not Worth The Trouble Anymore'

    ISSUE 41•27 | 07.06.05 | News in Brief

    AMSTERDAM—Citing "organization-wide disinterest in a truly mundane species of bird," Greenpeace announced Monday that it is ending its decades-long fight to save the endangered Northern Spotted Owl. "For some reason, we devoted more than 30 years to trying to save this unspectacular little owl," Greenpeace associate director Tomas Lindstrom said. "But somewhere along the way, I guess we just came to our senses and kind of lost interest." Lindstrom said the environmental group plans to shift its focus to "saving animals that people actually see every once in a while." more»

  • Death Of Parents Boosts Area Woman's Self-Esteem

    ISSUE 41•09 | 03.02.05 | News

    SAVANNAH, GA—In the wake of the Aug. 12, 2004 death of her parents Hugh and Patricia, Leah Sawyer's self-esteem has skyrocketed, sources close to the 27-year-old said Monday. more»

  • Lawyers Separate Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen In 17-Hour Procedure

    ISSUE 40•50 | 12.15.04 | News in Brief

    HOLLYWOOD—Attorneys representing Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen separated the career-conjoined twins in a harrowing, 17-hour procedure Monday. "Because they lived symbiotically for so many years, the most difficult task was methodically detaching each of their shared credits," said Divorah Kessler, one of the heroic lawyers on the five-person team. "After carefully removing the ampersand between their names and replacing it with a comma, we'll attempt to construct an individual persona for each girl." Lawyers on both sides list the girls' chances for solo-career survival as "fair." more»

  • Shipwreck Survivors Forced To Endure Ride Home On Disney Cruise Ship

    ISSUE 39•18 | 05.14.03 | News in Brief

    NASSAU, BAHAMAS–Rescued after being lost at sea for nearly two weeks, shipwreck survivors Bill and Mary Kolin were forced to endure a ride back to the U.S. mainland on a Disney Magic cruise ship. "I suffered severe sunburn, dehydration, and starvation, but that was nothing compared to the half a day I spent on that hellship," Mary told reporters Monday. "I honestly didn't think we'd make it through Chip 'N' Dale's Karaoke Jam, much less Mickey's Breakfast Buffet." Bill said he plans to write a book chronicling his struggle for survival among shuffleboard-playing Lion King fans. more»

  • Sunken Oil Tanker Will Be Habitat For Marine Life, Shell Executives Say With Straight Face

    ISSUE 38•39 | 10.23.02 | News

    HOUSTON, TX—A Shell press release read without a trace of irony claims the Global Explorer will host countless fish and marine vegetation. more»

  • Life Jackets Issued To All Americans For Some Reason

    ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 38•21 | 06.05.02 | News

    WASHINGTON, DC—Assuring the nation that "there is no need for alarm," the Office of Homeland Security issued all U.S. citizens life jackets for some unexplained reason Monday. more»

  • Stunned Nation Mourns As French Stewart Survives Plane Crash

    ISSUE 37•31 | 09.05.01 | News in Brief

    VIRGIN ISLANDS—Across the nation, Americans are reacting with shock and grief to the survival of 3rd Rock From The Sun star French Stewart, who sustained only minor injuries Monday when a Beechcraft 1900D carrying him and 14 others nosed down shortly after takeoff. "Of course, I feel good for the rest of the passengers and the crew," said TV viewer Cheryl Ross of Lebanon, TN. "But, my God, French Stewart. He has so many years ahead of him." Ross added that she is "definitely going to miss" all of Stewart's TV and film appearances. more»

  • Family Of Five Found Alive In Suburbs

    ISSUE 37•29 | 08.22.01 | News

    BUFFALO GROVE, IL—The Holsapple family, long feared missing or spiritually dead, was found alive in the Chicago suburbs Monday, somehow managing to survive in the hostile environment for more than eight years. more»

  • Endangered Manatee Struggles To Make Self Understood To Congress

    ISSUE 37•28 | 08.15.01 | News

    WASHINGTON, DC–Despite valiant efforts to make itself understood, an endangered West Indian manatee failed to communicate its urgent-sounding message to members of the House of Representatives Tuesday. more»

  • Area Man's Life Slipping Away Even As He Reads This

    ISSUE 35•24 | 06.23.99 | News

    GLENDALE, CA—The life of Greg Chelecki continues to slip away from him even as he reads this article, sources close to the 47-year-old insurance claims adjuster confirmed Monday. more»

  • Near-Death Experience Followed By Right-On-The-Money Death Experience

    ISSUE 35•01 | 01.13.99 | News in Brief

    PORTLAND, OR—A near-death experience was followed by one of the right-on-the-money variety Monday, when local mechanic Gabe Hoover narrowly averted choking to death on a chicken bone, only to be run over by a city bus later the same day. "As I began to lose consciousness from the lack of oxygen, I saw a bright, welcoming light, and I heard a voice calling out to me that sounded like my deceased mother," said Hoover, describing his near-death experience an hour before being struck dead. "I felt incredibly at peace, but then, suddenly, another voice told me to go back, saying I wasn't finished with my work on Earth." Hoover continued his work on Earth for another 64 minutes, at which point he hit the death nail right on the head, walking swiftly and directly into the light. more»

  • Ant Born

    ISSUE 33•02 | 01.21.98 | News in Brief

    ENID, OK—Formicidae Polyergus Queen FPS-4003651-D407 is gorged on nutrient paste and resting comfortably following Monday’s successful delivery of a beautiful ant larva, designated GW-40036516-2093. According to doctors, the .0000000001-ounce newborn ant has an "excellent chance" of surviving the larval and pupal stages and maturing into adulthood to become a productive food-gathering worker drone. Minutes after its birth, 2093, along with its 4,306 identical sacmates, was placed in the care of larvae-maintenance drones KJ-97865987-3008 through 3097. "Have you ever seen such a beautiful baby ant?" nursery-maintenance drone 3061 said. "A miracle like this, which only occurs about 2,810,000 times in a lifetime, really reminds you what life is all about." more»

  • New Crispy Snack Cracker To Ease Crushing Pain Of Modern Life

    ISSUE 32•01 | 08.05.97 | News

    EAST HANOVER, NJ—The dull, all-consuming ache of late 20th century life will be slightly alleviated next week when America's supermarkets receive their first shipments of Nabisco's new "T.C. McCrispee's" line of snack crackers. more»

  • Detective Endangers Own Life By Looking Forward To Upcoming Retirement

    ISSUE 31•07 | 02.26.97 | News in Brief

    CHICAGO—Police detective Ed "Rusty" Hodges, who has served the Chicago Police Department with distinction for more than 45 years, placed his life in severe jeopardy Monday by announcing that he is looking forward to his retirement at the end of this week. "Retirement is gonna be sweet," Hodges boldly told reporters. "Just one more big drug bust Friday over in Junkietown, then me and the wife are off to Tahiti in the yacht we've been saving up for our whole lives." Experts say Hodges' chances of surviving Friday's bust are infinitesimally small, but note that Hodges' partner loves him like a brother and won't rest until he tracks down the bastard who did it. more»

  • World Death Rate Holding Steady At 100 Percent

    ISSUE 31•02 | 01.22.97 | News

    GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—World Health Organization officials expressed disappointment Monday at the group's finding that, despite the enormous efforts of doctors, rescue workers and other medical professionals worldwide, the global death rate remains constant at 100 percent. more»

  • Area Man Feeds Own Self

    ISSUE 30•04 | 09.04.96 | News

    In a real-life fight for survival last week, area resident Jerry Svoboda was forced to prepare his own meals rather than succumb to the threat of starvation. more»

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan

“Why should everyone in Pakistan have to suffer for one doctor’s foolish decision to rid the nation of a mass murderer?”

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