End Of Last Meals For Death Row Inmates Could Decimate Texas Restaurant Industry

AUSTIN, TX—Texas restaurant owners voiced concerns Friday over the recent decision of state prison officials to end last meals for death row inmates, claiming ...

Nation Down To Last Hundred Grown-Ups

'Mature Adults Could Be Gone Within 50 Years,' Experts Say

SUITLAND, MD—According to alarming new figures released Monday by the U.S. Census Bureau, the nation's population of mature adults has been pushed ...

Passing Of Ohio Man Forces Nation To Confront Death For First Time

MARION, OH—Following the passing of 82-year-old Joseph Howerton Saturday, the American people were, for the very first time, forced to confront the reality that ...

Eons Of Darwinian Evolution Somehow Produce Mitch

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—The process of evolution, through which single-celled organisms slowly developed over billions of years into exponentially more sophisticated forms of life, has inexplicably ...

Obama Narrowly Survives Carnivorous Section Of Rose Garden

WASHINGTON—In his first major gaffe since taking office, President Obama accidentally stepped too close to the ferocious, man-eating plants...

Stunned Nation Mourns As French Stewart Survives Plane Crash

VIRGIN ISLANDS—Across the nation, Americans are reacting with shock and grief to the survival of 3rd Rock From The Sun star French Stewart, who ...

Family Of Five Found Alive In Suburbs

BUFFALO GROVE, IL—The Holsapple family, long feared missing or spiritually dead, was found alive in the Chicago suburbs Monday, somehow managing to survive in ...

Endangered Manatee Struggles To Make Self Understood To Congress

WASHINGTON, DC–Despite valiant efforts to make itself understood, an endangered West Indian manatee failed to communicate its urgent-sounding message to members of the House ...