time travel

  • Man From Last Week Smacked Into Present Day

    ISSUE 47•29 | 07.19.11 | Radio News

  • Man From Future Can't Stop Living In The Less-Far-Into-The-Future

    ISSUE 46•12 | 03.24.10 | News in Brief

    LOS ANGELES—Time-traveling neurotic Guy Axiom, more commonly known as "the Man from the Future," cannot stop living in the past, which to us, in the present, is also the future, but not quite as far into the future as the period Axiom hail... more»

  • I Don't Define Myself By My Ability To Travel Between Dimensions

    ISSUE 45•05 | 01.28.09 | Commentary

    I can see it in their eyes. They're thinking, "Hey, look. It's the dimension-jumping guy!" "Come on, dude who isn't bound by time or... more»

  • Obama Suddenly Panicked After Gazing Too Far Into Future

    ISSUE 44•37 | 09.11.08 | News in Brief

    MADISON, WI—Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) fell deathly silent in the middle of a speech on education before the Wisconsin Teachers Union Tuesday,... more»

  • Specters Of Dental Hygienists Past Haunt Convention Center

    ISSUE 43•10 | 03.09.07 | News

    SPOKANE, WA—"Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman in a pastel outfit, but when I turned to look at her, she was gone," hotel guest Linda Matthie said. more»

  • We Must Preserve The Earth's Dwindling Resources For My Five Children

    ISSUE 44•27 ISSUE 42•26 | 06.28.06 | Commentary

    As we move into the 21st century, it is our responsibility to think of the future of the earth—not for ourselves, but for those who will... more»

  • Science-Fiction Novel Posits Future Where Characters Are Hastily Sketched

    ISSUE 42•13 | 03.29.06 | News in Brief

    OREGON CITY, OR—Science fiction author Morgan Richards announced Monday completion of his long-awaited novel, Zeppelins Of Phobos. The... more»

  • City Councilman From Future Warns Against Building 12th Avenue Rec Center

    ISSUE 39•21 | 06.04.03 | News in Brief

    HOLLINS, VA—Appearing through a wormhole at a city-council meeting Tuesday, Xanthon Clarke, a Hollins 3rd District Councilman from the future, warned meeting attendees against building the proposed 12th Avenue Recreation Center. "I come from the year 2050, begging you to vote down the rec center before it's too late," said Clarke, sporting a metallic blazer and bowtie. "Before it's too late, for God's sake." Clarke was then vaporized by a raygun-wielding robotic lobbyist from 2079. more»

  • Ted Turner Sends Self Back In Time To Prevent AOL Time Warner Merger

    ISSUE 39•09 | 03.12.03 | News

    ATLANTA—According to a videotaped message airing exclusively on CNN, media mogul Ted Turner has sent himself back in time to January 2000 to avert the catastrophic merger of America Online and Time Warner. more»

  • Ghost Of Christmas Future Taunts Children With Visions Of PlayStation 5

    ISSUE 38•47 | 12.18.02 | News

    SOUTHFIELD, MI—The Ghost of Christmas Future said he has visited more than 125,000 homes since Thanksgiving, offering children an agonizing sneak peek at what they cannot have for another decade and a half. more»

  • Sullen Time-Traveling Teen Reports 23rd Century Sucks

    ISSUE 38•12 | 04.03.02 | News

    NEWTON, MA—According to sullen teenager Steve Geremek, the 23rd century, a time previously restricted to the fantastical imaginings of science-fiction writers and futurists, "sucks." more»

  • The Future Will Be A Totalitarian Government Dystopia vs. The Future Will Be A Privatized Corporate Dystopia

    ISSUE 36•18 | 05.17.00 | Point/Counterpoint

    I am sad to say that for all our efforts in the name of freedom, the future shall be a bleak one, indeed. Such visionary authors as George Orwell and Robert Heinlein have mapped out the hellish future that awaits. more»

  • Newly Unearthed Time Capsule Just Full Of Useless Old Crap

    ISSUE 35•37 | 10.13.99 | News

    ATCHISON, KS—A deep sense of disappointment gripped the citizens of Atchison, KS, Tuesday, when a 60-year-old time capsule unearthed from the site of a demolished library was found to contain a bunch of useless old crap. more»

  • World's Top Scientists Ponder: What If The Whole Universe Is, Like, One Huge Atom?

    ISSUE 35•25 | 07.22.99 | News

    PALO ALTO, CA—Gathering for what members of the international science community are calling "potentially the most totally out-to-lunch freaky head trip since Einstein postulated that space and time were, like, curved and shit," a consortium of the world's top physicists descended upon Stanford University Monday to discuss some of the difficult questions facing the cutting edge of theoretical thinking. more»

  • I Believe The Robots Are Our Future

    ISSUE 35•22 | 06.09.99 | Commentary

    Though we live in uncertain times, we must not forget that the most important thing in life is the legacy we will leave behind for future generations. It is not for our sake, but for theirs, that we must preserve and protect the basic values we hold dear. As we foolishly pursue our short-sighted goals at the expense of those who will follow in our footsteps, we must pause and be mindful of the little ones, our progeny, who will inherit our planet in the next millennium and beyond. Time and time again, gazing into the innocent, trusting photoelectric receptors of a tiny, newly developed cybernetic construct, I am reminded of a fundamental truth: I believe the robots are our future, and we must teach them well and let them lead the way. more»

  • Bakelite! Substance Of The Future!

    ISSUE 33•21 | 06.03.98 | Commentary

    Yesterday, I asked my man-servant Standish to bring forth the telephone-device, so that I could give my idiot spendthrift son G. Braintree a stern dressing-down. more»

  • Glorious New Tomorrow Postponed Indefinitely

    ISSUE 32•16 | 11.19.97 | News in Brief

    EARTH—In a move many observers described as inevitable, representatives of nearly every major belief system on Earth announced Monday the indefinite postponement of the glorious new tomorrow that has been collectively promised humankind for more than six millennia. "Whether it be redemption from sin under the second coming of the Messiah; a classless society under a dictatorship of the proletariat; a war-free state of universal peace and brotherhood following a unilateral nuclear disarmament; perfect free trade in a coercion-free marketplace; an enlightened 'nirvana' state after a series of karma-accumulating reincarnations; a state of clear through the spiritual-purification techniques of the Church of Scientology; or a state of perfect, rock-hard abs under the tutelage of cable-television fitness guru Tony Little, it would appear that the glorious new tomorrow toward which we have all been striving is, unfortunately, not a tenable goal for the near future," said motivational speaker and Personal Power ... more»

  • U.S. Dept. Of Retro Warns: 'We May Be Running Out Of Past'

    ISSUE 32•14 | 11.04.97 | News

    WASHINGTON, DC—At a press conference Monday, U.S. Retro Secretary Anson Williams issued a strongly worded warning of an imminent "national retro crisis," cautioning that "if current levels of U.S. retro consumption are allowed to continue unchecked, we may run entirely out of past by as soon as 2005." more»

  • Hunter-Soldier From Future Warns: 'Beware The Digital Pets'

    ISSUE 32•02 | 08.12.97 | News

    UNITED NATIONS—Jared-27, a hunter-soldier from the year 2189, addressed the United Nations Monday in an attempt to prevent enslavement, torture and forced breeding at the hands of digital pets from becoming "the human race's destiny." more»

  • Connecticut Man Visited By Being From Another Time Zone

    ISSUE 31•20 | 06.04.97 | News in Brief

    NORWALK, CT—Past met present Monday when Norwalk resident Tony Shearing was visited by his cousin, Paul Kulwicki, who resides in the state of Missouri in the U.S.'s Central Time Zone--a strange, alternate dimension where events occur one hour earlier than they do in Connecticut. "I suggested that we watch Seinfeld," Shearing told reporters, "and my cousin started going on about how Seinfeld ended a half-hour ago. Then I remembered that 9 p.m. in our world is like 8 p.m. in his science fiction-like realm." Deciding when to eat dinner was similarly bewildering for the cousins, requiring them to reach a compromise time of 6:30, when Kulwicki was not very hungry, yet Shearing was unusually so. "Watching Letterman at 11:35 with my cousin from the future is disorienting," Kulwicki said. "I hope I can acclimate myself to your bizarre shadow world." more»

  • Man From Last Week Smacked Into Present Day

    ISSUE 30•17 | 12.03.96 | News in Brief

    WILMINGTON, NC—n a rare case of violence-powered time travel, Wilmington resident Phil Zipper was smacked into this week by a forceful blow delivered by his wife during a Nov. 29 fight. "Wow, I thought she was just talking colorfully," Zipper said moments after materializing in a burst of swirling colored light at the intersection of 18th and Main, just three blocks from the site of last week's smack. Zipper, who has been dubbed "The Man From Last Week," added: "I have so much to learn about your strange world. So much has changed since my time. Is orange juice still on sale at ShopKo? Did the Bulls win Sunday? Have hatred and prejudice finally been eradicated?" more»

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan

“Why should everyone in Pakistan have to suffer for one doctor’s foolish decision to rid the nation of a mass murderer?”

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