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    Steven Spielberg Claims He Dislikes Black Actors To Get Out Of Cannes Jury Duty

    CANNES, FRANCE—In a brazen attempt to avoid serving jury duty and missing work days, film director and head festival juror Steven Spielberg told the ...

    UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Apologizes For Killing Innocent Boston Man Tom Mahoney

    We Spoke Too Soon

    BOSTON—Saying that we spoke too soon and probably should have looked at all the facts and information first before pulling the trigger, The Onion ...

    BREAKING: 'The Onion' In Kill Range Of Boston Bomber Suspect

    Do We Take The Shot? Tweet Us Your Votes

    BOSTON—Saying that we have a clear shot and we are ready to fire if given the go-ahead, The Onion has confirmed it will take ...

    ‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 3 Opens With Every Character Getting Fingered While Discussing Arrival Of Winter

    LOS ANGELES—After an extended hiatus, HBO’s Game Of Thrones kicked off its third season last night with a scene featuring every one of ...

    Robert Mapplethorpe Children's Museum Celebrates Grand Opening

    QUEENS, NY—The Robert Mapplethorpe Children’s Museum officially opened its doors to the public Tuesday, drawing over 1,000 visitors with its interactive exhibits ...

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    The Onion Apologizes

    In Wake Of Tragedy, Americans Demand Reform Of Everything, AnythingNo One Murdered Because Of This ImageFuck, Roommates Want To Have MeetingIn Bipartisan Spirit, Obama Makes Deal To Get Kicked In BallsYankees Blame Slow Start On It Being A 162-Game Season So Calm The Fuck DownHomesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck OutLawyers Opposing Health Care Law Cite Kids-With-Pre-Existing-Conditions-Can-Go-Fuck-Themselves Clause
    • News in Photos

      Teen Zebra Doesn't Give A Shit How Much You Honk, He's Not Getting Out Of Road 

    • News in Photos

      Drunk Pilot Going To Pull Over Onto Cloud Until He Sobers Up A Little

    • News in Photos

      Trump Unable To Produce Certificate Proving He's Not A Festering Pile Of Shit

    Obama Urges Citizens To Hide Evidence Of Our Formerly Prosperous Lives From Nation's Young Children

    Movie fans demand to see new Heath Ledger performance in 'Dark Knight Rises,' a truly authentic Mexican restaurant is shut down immediately, and another dead ...

    Panelists Discussing GOP Debate Clearly Didn't Watch It

    First Responders attempt to bluff their way through a discussion of the most recent Republican debate.

    One Of Those Fucking People Wins New Hampshire Primary

    CONCORD, NH—With the majority of precincts reporting, sources are now confirming that one of those fucking guys—one of the ones who wore a ...

    • The Twilight Zone, "The Fugitive"/"Little Girl Lost"

    • Cannes Film Festival: Cannes 2013, Day Three: Cheers for the young stars of The Selfish Giant, jeers for the new films by Hirokazu Kore-eda and Arnaud Desplechin

    • TV: TV Club: Shark Tank -- "Week 25"/"Week 26"

    • How to Traumatize Your Children Book

    • Assorted Headlines Pint Glasses

    • Cheat to Win Bracelet

    • Man Says 'Fuck It,' Eats Lunch At 10:58 A.M.

    • There Are People In World Who Are Concerned About Current State Of Hip-Hop

    • Cutest Guy In Whole Office Not Even Particularly Attractive

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