http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-breeding-program-aimed-at-keeping-moderate-rep,27371/ The Onion en 2012-02-13 New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct Politics, http://www.theonion.com/articles/bus-bowl,27370/ The Onion en 2012-02-13 Bus Bowl Entertainment, http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-week-in-pictures,27369/ The Onion en 2012-02-13 The Week In Pictures News, http://www.theonion.com/articles/antidoping-agency-has-a-bunch-of-old-tour-de-franc,27331/ The Onion en 2012-02-13 Anti-Doping Agency Has A Bunch Of Old Tour De France Titles Lying Around If Anybody Wants One sports,other sports, http://www.theonion.com/articles/house-to-end,27358/ The Onion en 2012-02-13 'House' To End Opinion, http://www.theonion.com/articles/obama-begs-voters-not-to-make-his-daughters-switch,27368/ The Onion en 2012-02-13 Obama Begs Voters Not To Make His Daughters Switch Schools video,politicians,IFC, http://www.theonion.com/articles/girlfriend-acting-all-clingy-after-getting-pregnan,27343/ The Onion en 2012-02-13 Girlfriend Acting All Clingy After Getting Pregnant Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-who-encourages-childs-destructive-id-referred,27366/ The Onion en 2012-02-12 Man Who Encourages Child's Destructive Id Referred To As 'Good With Kids' Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-who-encourages-childs-destructive-id-referred,27367/ The Onion en 2012-02-12 Man Who Encourages Child's Destructive Id Referred To As 'Good With Kids' Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/most-humiliating-experience-of-mans-life-on-dvd-ma,27365/ The Onion en 2012-02-12 Most Humiliating Experience Of Man's Life On DVD March 6 Entertainment, http://www.theonion.com/articles/goshen-infortunately-wayne-carlins-cocker-spaniels,27294/ The Onion en 2012-02-12 GOSHEN, IN—Fortunately, Wayne Carlin's cocker spaniel’s birthday happens to fall on Valentine's Day, or he would have had to throw two parties. Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/16-and-present,27305/ The Onion en 2012-02-12 16 and Present Entertainment, http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-thinks-he-has-rapport-with-his-mechanic,27300/ The Onion en 2012-02-12 Area Man Thinks He Has Rapport With His Mechanic Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/lane-bryant-model-almost-gets-guys-number,27301/ The Onion en 2012-02-12 Lane Bryant Model Almost Gets Guy's Number Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/guests-were-delighted-that-robert-pike-and-tammy-r,27321/ The Onion en 2012-02-12 Guests were delighted that Robert Pike and Tammy Roeder's wedding wasn't one of those nights when they try to kill each other. Lifestyle, http://www.theonion.com/articles/on-this-years-super-bowl-commercials,27335/ The Onion en 2012-02-12 On This Year's Super Bowl Commercials sports, http://www.theonion.com/articles/doctors-clear-peyton-manning-to-let-300pound-men-s,27326/ The Onion en 2012-02-12 Doctors Clear Peyton Manning To Let 300-Pound Men Slam Him Into The Ground As Hard As They Can sports,football, http://www.theonion.com/articles/weird-smell,27342/ The Onion en 2012-02-11 Weird Smell Opinion, http://www.theonion.com/articles/tom-coughlin-glad-to-have-5-weeks-or-so-of-job-sec,27340/ The Onion en 2012-02-11 Tom Coughlin Glad To Have 5 Weeks Or So Of Job Security sports,football, http://www.theonion.com/articles/palm-tree-fires-off-warning-coconut,27341/ The Onion en 2012-02-11 Palm Tree Fires Off Warning Coconut News, http://www.theonion.com/articles/roger-goodell-asks-football-fans-how-much-they-are,27330/ The Onion en 2012-02-11 Roger Goodell Asks Football Fans How Much They Are Willing To Pay To Make Pro Bowl Go Away sports,football, http://www.theonion.com/articles/dead-cats-litter-box-kept-just-the-way-it-was,27299/ The Onion en 2012-02-11 Dead Cat's Litter Box Kept Just The Way It Was Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-rumsfeld-scholarship-awarded-to-student-who-de,27309/ The Onion en 2012-02-11 New Rumsfeld Scholarship Awarded To Student Who Demonstrates Potential To Ignore Geopolitical Consequences Of Armed Invasion education,News, http://www.theonion.com/articles/48yearold-man-actually-very-open-to-dating-25yearo,27339/ The Onion en 2012-02-11 48-Year-Old Man Actually Very Open To Dating 25-Year-Olds http://www.theonion.com/articles/josh-hamilton-apologizes-for-not-calling-sports-me,27329/ The Onion en 2012-02-10 Josh Hamilton Apologizes For Not Calling Sports Media Immediately After Relapse sports,mlb baseball, http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-postsuperbowl-premarch-madness-postnhlallstar,27357/ The Onion en 2012-02-10 The Post-Super-Bowl, Pre-March Madness, Post-NHL-All-Star Game, Pre-Spring Training, Mid-AT&T-Pebble-Beach-National-Pro-Am, Pre-Daytona 500 Issue sports, http://www.theonion.com/articles/eli-manning-my-mom-and-dad-are-taking-me-to-disney,27333/ The Onion en 2012-02-10 Eli Manning: 'My Mom And Dad Are Taking Me To Disney World!' sports,football, http://www.theonion.com/articles/championship-celebration-moments,27334/ The Onion en 2012-02-10 Championship Celebration Moments http://www.theonion.com/articles/poll-finds-majority-of-americans-would-like-things,27314/ The Onion en 2012-02-10 Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Would Like Things To Go Right For Once News, http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-dr-oz-show,27304/ The Onion en 2012-02-10 The Dr. Oz Show Entertainment, http://www.theonion.com/articles/nonindigenous-larry-crosses-state-lines,27312/ The Onion en 2012-02-10 Nonindigenous Larry Crosses State Lines News, http://www.theonion.com/articles/selfloathing-nation-sees-itself-in-wes-welker-hate,27338/ The Onion en 2012-02-10 Self-Loathing Nation Sees Itself In Wes Welker, Hates What It Sees sports,football, http://www.theonion.com/articles/victor-coamateur-photographer-blake-cogburn-33-hit,27293/ The Onion en 2012-02-10 VICTOR, CO—Amateur photographer Blake Cogburn, 33, hit the jackpot after happening upon an old boxcar. Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/why-are-we-deleting-our-facebook-accounts,27337/ The Onion en 2012-02-10 Why Are We Deleting Our Facebook Accounts? Opinion, http://www.theonion.com/articles/congress-clears-us-airspace-for-more-drones,27336/ The Onion en 2012-02-10 Congress Clears U.S. Airspace For More Drones Opinion, http://www.theonion.com/articles/peyton-manning-congratulates-brother-eli-this-has,27328/ The Onion en 2012-02-10 Peyton Manning Congratulates Brother Eli: 'This Has Been The Worst Year Of My Life' sports, http://www.theonion.com/articles/local-man-miscast-in-role-as-father,27285/ The Onion en 2012-02-10 Local Man Miscast In Role As Father Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/although-she-desperately-wanted-to-marry-brandon-c,27320/ The Onion en 2012-02-09 Although she desperately wanted to marry Brandon Cisneros, Amy Phillips, 25, thought saying "I don't do" at the ceremony was just too funny an opportunity to pass up. Lifestyle, http://www.theonion.com/articles/iran-worried-us-might-be-building-8500th-nuclear-w,27325/ The Onion en 2012-02-09 Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon iran,News, http://www.theonion.com/articles/soul-train-creator-don-cornelius-dead,27295/ The Onion en 2012-02-09 'Soul Train' Creator Don Cornelius Dead Entertainment,death,celebrities, http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-biography-reveals-einstein-devised-theory-of-r,27313/ The Onion en 2012-02-09 New Biography Reveals Einstein Devised Theory Of Relativity On Paper Because He Wasn't Smart Enough To Invent Microsoft Word Science & Technology, http://www.theonion.com/articles/arne-duncan,27324/ The Onion en 2012-02-09 Arne Duncan http://www.theonion.com/articles/spanking-doesnt-work,27323/ The Onion en 2012-02-09 Spanking Doesn't Work Opinion,children, http://www.theonion.com/articles/alarming-study-finds-more-than-12-instances-of-rac,27310/ The Onion en 2012-02-09 Alarming Study Finds More Than 12 Instances Of Racism Occurred Last Year morality,race,News, http://www.theonion.com/articles/junior-building-inspector-closes-down-area-tree-ho,27284/ The Onion en 2012-02-09 Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Area Tree House Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/cryojennifer,27303/ The Onion en 2012-02-08 Cryojennifer Entertainment, http://www.theonion.com/articles/cloning-update,27322/ The Onion en 2012-02-08 Cloning Update Opinion, http://www.theonion.com/articles/el-paso-txa-cockroach-living-under-the-fridge-in-n,27292/ The Onion en 2012-02-08 EL PASO, TX—A cockroach living under the fridge in Nelson and Elizabeth Gebler's kitchen headed to work thinking, "Cockroach’s gotta make a living." Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-reveals-majority-of-suicides-occur-while-try,27286/ The Onion en 2012-02-08 Study Reveals Majority Of Suicides Occur While Trying To Put Fitted Sheet On Bed News, http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-woman-becomes-nations-first-grandma-courtney,27297/ The Onion en 2012-02-08 Area Woman Becomes Nation's First Grandma Courtney Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/meet-the-man-inside-the-nicolas-cage-costume,27318/ The Onion en 2012-02-08 Meet The Man Inside The Nicolas Cage Costume Entertainment,video, http://www.theonion.com/articles/aged-americans,27319/ The Onion en 2012-02-08 Aged Americans http://www.theonion.com/articles/smoking-speeds-mental-decline,27317/ The Onion en 2012-02-08 Smoking Speeds Mental Decline Opinion, http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-photos-reveal-stress-of-obamas-first-term-in-o,27311/ The Onion en 2012-02-08 New Photos Reveal Stress Of Obama's First Term In Office Has Rapidly Aged Americans politicians,News, http://www.theonion.com/articles/camera-crew-discreetly-trails-overweight-woman-for,27283/ The Onion en 2012-02-08 Camera Crew Discreetly Trails Overweight Woman For Obesity Segment Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/indianapolis-colts-somehow-wind-up-with-exact-same,27306/ The Onion en 2012-02-07 Indianapolis Colts Somehow Wind Up With Exact Same Coaching Staff sports,football, http://www.theonion.com/articles/with-no-family-or-friends-in-attendance-matt-and-s,27316/ The Onion en 2012-02-07 With no family or friends in attendance, Matt and Shandra Fink were quietly married in a low-key Las Vegas ceremony, but the couple went right from there to pulling off an exciting casino robbery. Lifestyle, http://www.theonion.com/articles/toyota-tm,27315/ The Onion en 2012-02-07 Toyota (TM) money,finance, http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-watching-episode-of-downton-abbey-counts-as,27308/ The Onion en 2012-02-07 Report: Watching Episode of 'Downton Abbey' Counts As Reading Book Entertainment, http://www.theonion.com/articles/your-horoscopes-week-of-february-7-2012,27307/ The Onion en 2012-02-07 Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 7, 2012 Entertainment, http://www.theonion.com/articles/narcissist-thrilled-to-find-symptoms-in-dsmiv,27296/ The Onion en 2012-02-07 Narcissist Thrilled To Find Symptoms In DSM-IV Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/increase-in-nhl-ankle-injuries-linked-to-superslic,27265/ The Onion en 2012-02-07 Increase In NHL Ankle Injuries Linked To Super-Slick Synthetic Astro-Ice sports,hockey, http://www.theonion.com/articles/kid-court,27302/ The Onion en 2012-02-07 Kid Court Entertainment, http://www.theonion.com/articles/columbus-ohfantastic-roommate-billy-grant-just-won,27291/ The Onion en 2012-02-07 COLUMBUS, OH—Fantastic roommate Billy Grant just won't stop buying toilet paper. Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/choosing-your-candidate,27290/ The Onion en 2012-02-07 Choosing Your Candidate Politics,politicians, http://www.theonion.com/articles/migrating-whooping-cranes-stall-in-alabama,27289/ The Onion en 2012-02-07 Migrating Whooping Cranes Stall In Alabama Opinion, http://www.theonion.com/articles/in-the-know-panel-analyzes-obamas-furious-profanit,27288/ The Onion en 2012-02-07 In The Know Panel Analyzes Obama's Furious, Profanity-Filled Rant At Nation Politics,politicians, http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-in-international-airport-only-speaks-business,27282/ The Onion en 2012-02-07 Man In International Airport Only Speaks Business Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/health-department-still-not-able-to-really-prove-w,27278/ The Onion en 2012-02-06 Health Department Still Not Able To Really Prove Why People Shouldn't Be Eating Candles health, http://www.theonion.com/articles/most-clippers-fans-still-have-no-idea-team-is-doin,27272/ The Onion en 2012-02-06 Most Clippers Fans Still Have No Idea Team Is Doing Well sports,nba basketball, http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-wants-to-give-to-local-pbs-affiliate-but-cant,27277/ The Onion en 2012-02-06 Man Wants To Give To Local PBS Affiliate But Can't Stand Thought Of Free Doo-Wop Album Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/nasa,27281/ The Onion en 2012-02-06 NASA http://www.theonion.com/articles/eli-manning-asks-dad-if-he-can-stop-playing-footba,27279/ The Onion en 2012-02-06 Eli Manning Asks Dad If He Can Stop Playing Football Now sports,football,Super Bowl, http://www.theonion.com/articles/landon-donovan-inks-2pergoal-deal-with-grandparent,27264/ The Onion en 2012-02-06 Landon Donovan Inks $2-Per-Goal Deal With Grandparents sports,other sports, http://www.theonion.com/articles/intelligent-condescending-life-discovered-in-dista,27276/ The Onion en 2012-02-06 Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered In Distant Galaxy Science & Technology,space, http://www.theonion.com/articles/talking-trash,27274/ The Onion en 2012-02-06 Talking Trash Opinion, http://www.theonion.com/articles/florida-millionaire-adopts-42yearold-girlfriend,27273/ The Onion en 2012-02-06 Florida Millionaire Adopts 42-Year-Old Girlfriend Opinion, http://www.theonion.com/articles/gop-introduces-new-mystery-candidate-with-paper-ba,27271/ The Onion en 2012-02-06 GOP Introduces New "Mystery Candidate" With Paper Bag Over Head Politics,video,politicians,IFC, http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-woman-recalls-days-when-she-resented-being-hi,27275/ The Onion en 2012-02-06 Area Woman Recalls Days When She Resented Being Hit On Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/completely-whipped-man-crying-at-wifes-funeral,27257/ The Onion en 2012-02-05 Completely Whipped Man Crying At Wife’s Funeral Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-dad-figures-hes-got-at-least-three-more-month,27256/ The Onion en 2012-02-05 Area Dad Figures He's Got At Least Three More Months Of Screwing Around Before Son Gains Ability To Form Long-Term Memories  Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/nation-horrified-by-carolina-panthers-disturbingly,27266/ The Onion en 2012-02-05 Nation Horrified By Carolina Panthers' Disturbingly Graphic Logo Redesign sports,football, http://www.theonion.com/articles/on-mike-tyson-being-inducted-into-wwe-hall-of-fame,27267/ The Onion en 2012-02-05 On Mike Tyson Being Inducted Into WWE Hall Of Fame sports, http://www.theonion.com/articles/meet-the-press,27220/ The Onion en 2012-02-04 Meet The Press Entertainment, http://www.theonion.com/articles/findlay-ohtwo-hours-after-she-woke-up-madeline-tar,27213/ The Onion en 2012-02-04 FINDLAY, OH—Two hours after she woke up, Madeline Tarver, 16, crawled back in bed just to keep her mom on her toes. Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/suitcase-spends-all-year-looking-forward-to-carous,27255/ The Onion en 2012-02-04 Suitcase Spends All Year Looking Forward To Carousel Ride Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/novak-djokovic-signs-endorsement-deal-with-serbias,27270/ The Onion en 2012-02-04 Novak Djokovic Signs Endorsement Deal With Serbia's Top Brand Of Luxury Goats sports, http://www.theonion.com/articles/incest-survivor-dumped,27254/ The Onion en 2012-02-04 Incest Survivor Dumped Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/congressman-hurt-to-discover-lobbyist-not-really-h,27253/ The Onion en 2012-02-04 Congressman Hurt To Discover Lobbyist Not Really His Friend Politics,politicians, http://www.theonion.com/articles/jacksonville-jags-to-go-without-a-head-coach-for-2,27263/ The Onion en 2012-02-04 Jacksonville Jags To Go Without A Head Coach For 2012 sports,football, http://www.theonion.com/articles/downton-abbey,27219/ The Onion en 2012-02-03 Downton Abbey Entertainment, http://www.theonion.com/articles/greg-schiano-leaves-spotlight-of-rutgers-football,27262/ The Onion en 2012-02-03 Greg Schiano Leaves Spotlight Of Rutgers Football For Low-Profile Buccaneers Job sports,college football, http://www.theonion.com/articles/poll-reveals-gop-nomination-now-twoway-race-betwee,27269/ The Onion en 2012-02-03 Poll Reveals GOP Nomination Now Two-Way Race Between Mitt Romney, Total Voter Apathy News, http://www.theonion.com/articles/tommy-lee-jones-tells-us-why-hes-kept-a-little-boy,27287/ The Onion en 2012-02-03 Tommy Lee Jones Tells Us Why He's Kept A Little Boy's Name For So Long Entertainment, http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-finally-sees-enough-images-of-bare-breast,27251/ The Onion en 2012-02-03 Area Man Finally Sees Enough Images Of Bare Breasts For Entire Lifetime Local, http://www.theonion.com/articles/ron-paul-blames-florida-loss-on-expensive-advertis,27268/ The Onion en 2012-02-03 Ron Paul Blames Florida Loss On Expensive Advertising Costs Of Poster Board, Markers Politics, http://www.theonion.com/articles/cocky-giants-d-reveals-game-plan-that-they-will-tr,27258/ The Onion en 2012-02-03 Cocky Giants’ D Reveals Game Plan That They Will Try And Tackle Tom Brady sports,football,Super Bowl, http://www.theonion.com/articles/should-sugar-be-regulated,27260/ The Onion en 2012-02-03 Should Sugar Be Regulated? Opinion, http://www.theonion.com/articles/rangers-mistakenly-attempt-to-woo-roy-oswalt-by-to,27261/ The Onion en 2012-02-03 Rangers Mistakenly Attempt To Woo Roy Oswalt By Touting Dallas' Gay Nightlife Scene sports,mlb baseball, http://www.theonion.com/articles/traveler-amazed-by-sheer-number-of-mexicans,27202/ The Onion en 2012-02-03 Traveler Amazed By Sheer Number Of Mexicans News,