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10 Best Places To Raise A Family

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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10 Best Places To Raise A Family

Raleigh, NC


Known for its safety, great schools, and affordable housing, Raleigh is the perfect place for your children to still gradually grow to resent you for reasons entirely beyond your control. Enjoy the mild climate as your kids direct their bitterness toward you in the city’s revitalized downtown or on its quiet, tree-lined residential streets. Just give in—there’s no stopping their ire here or anywhere else.

US Naval Bases In San Diego, Orlando, Charleston, Newport, And Saratoga Springs


Your family has been raising children while moving back and forth between these naval bases for two generations now, and look how you turned out. Your kids will get over it. You’re a commanding officer, and you should be damn proud of that.

Not Anyplace You Actually Want To Live


You’re probably clicking through this list hoping to see someplace cool, like New York or San Francisco. You’re hoping you can raise your kids somewhere safe and affordable without sacrificing great restaurants and decent public transportation. Well, guess what? It’s not going to happen. You’re a parent now. It’s Wilkes-Barre or Binghamton for you.

Earle, MT


Featuring complete privacy, no police presence, and an abundance of unclaimed land perfect for erecting your compound, this unincorporated township 50 miles due south of Butte is an ideal place to gather your brood and submit to God’s glory. You know His word is true, so heed it in this beautiful gift of wilderness. But prepare always for those in positions of government who would stand between you and your devotion to Him. The sword may need to be drawn.

Colonie, NY


It’s got some good schools, decent parks, and a mall. Enjoy the next 25 years.

Some City In Fucking Norway Or Something


Boasting a world-class education system, low crime rate, and high standard of living that all far exceed those of corresponding American cities, some town in Norway or Switzerland or Denmark or one of those fucking places is the ideal place to raise children. It’s probably called Szlabörg or some shit like that.

Your Children’s Godparents’ House


Your children’s godparents clearly know how to raise a family. Just look at their two girls—bright, friendly, motivated kids who seem to really enjoy spending time with their parents. Ensuring that your children grow up in such a loving, supportive environment is as easy as dying.

Tour Bus


Nothing brings you and your children together quite like embarking on a whirlwind music career as a traveling family band, playing infectious pop-rock tunes to grateful audiences across the country and spending every night in the back of a 1969 VW bus. What’s stopping you? Just hand-make the matching jumpsuits and get out on the road!

Inside A Rotting Log


Boasting shelter from predators and offering plenty of food, the interior of a rotting log is the perfect place to lay your eggs and, after they hatch, raise your 40,000 larvae as they grow and eventually molt.

Anywhere, If You Have Money


Offering private tutors, world-class tennis coaches, and a safe, nurturing environment, literally anywhere you go if you and your partner each make more than $100,000 per year has quickly become one of the most popular places to raise a family. Your child has everything he or she needs—namely, the vast opportunities afforded by money—right in the town you currently live in, or in any other place, really, so long as you fall into the appropriate income bracket. Enjoy!

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