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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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10 Celebrities You Never Knew Were Abducted And Murdered By Andie MacDowell

Corbin Bernsen is perhaps best known for his role in the hit ’80s TV drama L.A. Law, but we bet you didn’t realize he was yet another victim of Green Card star Andie MacDowell! In 2010, the Hollywood actress dragged a screaming Bernsen into the trunk of her car before driving him out into the Mojave Desert and shooting him in the head.
Does this man look familiar to you? Why, it’s Haley Joel Osment, star of The Sixth Sense, and one of the dozens of people taken from their homes and killed by Andie MacDowell!
When you think of Fergie, you probably immediately think of the sexy seductress singing on stage with the Black Eyed Peas, but back in 2012, the pop star was handcuffed to a metal drain pipe by Andie MacDowell and left to starve to death.
Did you know that, according to forensic evidence, Roy Orbison marked a young Andie MacDowell’s first foray into cannibalism?
A bit of TV trivia: The entire cast of Jericho was kidnapped, tortured, and subsequently murdered by Andie MacDowell in 2008, bringing an abrupt end to the beloved CBS series.
While American swimming legend Mark Spitz hasn’t been kidnapped or killed by Andie MacDowell yet, it is well known that he fits her typical “target kill type” and now travels with bodyguard protection to ensure he is not abducted by the Groundhog Day star.
Before there was Barney and Captain Kangaroo, there was pioneering television actor Soupy Sales. Andie MacDowell murdered him in 2009.
Jonathan Lipnicki captured our hearts in ’90s classics Stuart Little and Jerry Maguire, but did you know Andie MacDowell cut out his heart while the boy was still alive? The former model abducted the child from his family’s home in Westlake Village, CA and bled him to death in her Beverly Hills mansion on April 10, 2001. He is buried throughout her extensive estate.
On a slightly unrelated note, MacDowell was an utter delight in Multiplicity. A deft performance from one of America's most overlooked comic actresses.
Weight-loss poster boy Jared Fogel lost a little more than he bargained for when he stopped to give MacDowell some directions in Studio City last Tuesday! After dragging him into her car and sedating him with a horse tranquilizer, MacDowell cut Jared’s stomach out of his abdominal cavity and used it to muffle his moans as she sawed off both legs and his penis. Who knew!
And did you know that former L’Oréal spokesperson and fugitive kidnapper and murderer Andie MacDowell took her own life earlier this year amid a tense armed standoff with Los Angeles police and federal marshals?
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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