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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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10 Crazy Optical Illusions

This one takes a while, but it’s worth it. Try crossing your eyes and balling your fists really tight. Now stare at the image and allow your vision to get hazy. Vomit three times. See the wild stallion galloping through a river gulch?
Leave wherever you are right now and get prescription glasses that make your eyes hurt and everything blurry. Stand as far away from the image as you can; turn your head to the left while keeping the image in your peripheral vision. When the vase of tulips comes into focus, squat, stand, squat, and then stand again. Now relax and stare: The vase is only the beginning.
Turn off all the lights, crank up some heavy metal, and stare at the image with a burning intensity. When you feel a throbbing pain in your left temple, you’re moments away from seeing the interlocking rings. But before all of that, slaughter a boar and bathe in its blood.
The trick to seeing the hidden image here (hint, hint: “It’s a bird, it’s a plane…”) is to press your nose to the screen and then slowly move your face away from the image, trying to look through the blue triangle as you do so. If you can relax and let your vision blur, you’ll start to see a super mystery picture in no time. (Bonus: Look for Lois Lane on the streetcar!)
This one is only possible to see if you have pancreatic cancer. It’s an apple.
Print out this image and carry it in a pocket near your heart for 12 nights. On the eve of the thirteenth day, remove the printout from your pocket, lie down on a bed of softly packed earth, and spread the paper over your face. Close your eyes. Pretty cool mountain, right?
Get to a place in your life where you’re comfortable with the prospect of looking truth in the face. When you feel emotionally ready, print out this image, light a white candle, and then set flame to the paper. As the fire licks the sides of the basketball, cross your eyes to gaze upon the face of God.
Forget what you think you know about seeing 3D optical illusions. Forget everything you’ve been taught. This image is different, and if you want to unlock it, you’re going to have to throw your training out the window. Adopt a diet of foraged nuts and grains, and limit your liquids to distilled water and white teas. Sell your worldly belongings and buy a simple grass mat. Stare at the image before you lie down to sleep. Do this for nine years. In the winter of your ninth year, you will make out the dolphin.
Bowl of marbles.
Wake up, people. Notice anything off? The key to unlocking this illusion is who you don’t see in the photo. Where’s Lyndon Johnson? Where’s famed Texas oilman and future President George H. W. Bush? Take off your rose-colored glasses, and then everything in this image will become completely transparent. Lone gunman theory? Wrap that up in a nice little bow and flush it down the fuckin’ toilet. Look closer. The truth is right in front of you.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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