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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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10 Crazy Optical Illusions

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This one takes a while, but it’s worth it. Try crossing your eyes and balling your fists really tight. Now stare at the image and allow your vision to get hazy. Vomit three times. See the wild stallion galloping through a river gulch?
Leave wherever you are right now and get prescription glasses that make your eyes hurt and everything blurry. Stand as far away from the image as you can; turn your head to the left while keeping the image in your peripheral vision. When the vase of tulips comes into focus, squat, stand, squat, and then stand again. Now relax and stare: The vase is only the beginning.
Turn off all the lights, crank up some heavy metal, and stare at the image with a burning intensity. When you feel a throbbing pain in your left temple, you’re moments away from seeing the interlocking rings. But before all of that, slaughter a boar and bathe in its blood.
The trick to seeing the hidden image here (hint, hint: “It’s a bird, it’s a plane…”) is to press your nose to the screen and then slowly move your face away from the image, trying to look through the blue triangle as you do so. If you can relax and let your vision blur, you’ll start to see a super mystery picture in no time. (Bonus: Look for Lois Lane on the streetcar!)
This one is only possible to see if you have pancreatic cancer. It’s an apple.
Print out this image and carry it in a pocket near your heart for 12 nights. On the eve of the thirteenth day, remove the printout from your pocket, lie down on a bed of softly packed earth, and spread the paper over your face. Close your eyes. Pretty cool mountain, right?
Get to a place in your life where you’re comfortable with the prospect of looking truth in the face. When you feel emotionally ready, print out this image, light a white candle, and then set flame to the paper. As the fire licks the sides of the basketball, cross your eyes to gaze upon the face of God.
Forget what you think you know about seeing 3D optical illusions. Forget everything you’ve been taught. This image is different, and if you want to unlock it, you’re going to have to throw your training out the window. Adopt a diet of foraged nuts and grains, and limit your liquids to distilled water and white teas. Sell your worldly belongings and buy a simple grass mat. Stare at the image before you lie down to sleep. Do this for nine years. In the winter of your ninth year, you will make out the dolphin.
Bowl of marbles.
Wake up, people. Notice anything off? The key to unlocking this illusion is who you don’t see in the photo. Where’s Lyndon Johnson? Where’s famed Texas oilman and future President George H. W. Bush? Take off your rose-colored glasses, and then everything in this image will become completely transparent. Lone gunman theory? Wrap that up in a nice little bow and flush it down the fuckin’ toilet. Look closer. The truth is right in front of you.

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