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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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10 Easy Exercises You Can Do At The Office

Finding time in your schedule to work out can be difficult, which is why performing a few easy exercises at the office can be the perfect way for a busy person to stay in shape. For example, sneak in a low-impact training session during a weekly budget meeting by doing a few sets of lunges.
Work those fast-twitch muscles by repeatedly flipping the light switch in the conference room.
Desktop computers can double as fitness balls. Simply unplug your machine, seat yourself on the monitor, and gently bounce up and down to strengthen your core.
For a good cardio workout with added resistance, run five laps around the office with the photocopier strapped to your back.
Build muscle mass by doing several sets of desk calendar curls. Seated in your chair, firmly grip a desk calendar and raise it toward your shoulder in a controlled motion. If you find it too challenging, keep ripping out months until the weight is more comfortable.
Your boss looks like he weighs, what, 190? 195? Pick him up.
Chair tosses are a great way to bulk up. Stand in front of your desk. Grip your chair and throw it straight up in front of you. The legs should clear your head each time. Do three sets of 50.
To get a good full-body workout, pull the fire alarm, stand in the exit, and push back against your coworkers as they try to escape down the stairs.
Swimming can burn lots of calories with little impact on your joints. Fill your office with at least four feet of water and practice a variety of strokes.
Work your shoulders and triceps by packing your belongings in this box and leaving by 5 p.m.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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