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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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10 Giant Cocks

This is a giant cock.
This is another giant cock.
Once again, a photo of a well-proportioned cock.
Just to clarify, the rest of the slideshow will be like this. You’re definitely going to get six more images of tremendously big, veiny penises here. The next photo is going to be a giant cock, followed by another huge dick, and then another, and so forth.
You guessed it: another huge cock. Look, you had to realize what you were signing up for when you clicked on this link, right? You had to.
No, we’re not going to throw in a photo of something that isn’t a giant cock in order to be clever or misleading. You are, honest to God, getting nothing but really big cocks here. That’s it.
Your persistence is admirable, if misguided given the way the rest of the slideshow will transpire. This is the cock of the guy who made this slideshow, by the way.
Okay, then. You’ve seen eight colossal cocks so far. Up for a ninth?
This is actually a drawing of a giant cock. A photo of a giant cock was used as a reference.
Well, there you go. You just clicked through a slideshow of giant cocks. That’s where your life is at right now. Enjoy your day.

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