MOSCOW—Stressing that they are on the precipice of a major crisis, Russian Olympic Committee officials held a press conference Friday to confirm that the team’s clean urine reservoir is almost fully depleted.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Candidly opening up about his winning strategy after taking gold in the event, U.S. Olympic triple-jumper Christian Taylor revealed to reporters Friday that the key to a successful triple jump is jumping twice, and then jumping one more time.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Recommending considerable precautions during the event, police in Rio de Janeiro issued a warning Friday advising all runners to avoid miles 4 through 23 of the Olympic marathon course.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
NEW YORK—Sitting down with officials from the Office of the Director of National Intelligence to discuss a range of foreign and domestic threats facing the United States, presidential candidate Donald Trump reportedly spent the entirety of his first classified national security briefing Wednesday asking about Egyptian mummies.
Olympian Claiming He Was Never A Competitive Swimmer, Works As A Graphic Designer
CHARLOTTE, NC—Amid conflicting reports of his alleged robbery in Rio de Janeiro alongside three of his teammates, sources confirmed Thursday that U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte has begun changing his account of events going back years before the incident.
As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing
FORT MEADE, MD—Explaining that things weren’t working right and he didn’t know why, visibly frustrated National Security Agency director Michael S. Rogers called a press conference Thursday afternoon to ask if somebody good at computers could help out the intelligence organization.
SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.
GREENSBORO, NC—Calling it the “ultimate test” of customers’ strength and willpower, local restaurant Boomer’s Bar and Grill unveiled a new eating challenge this week that rewards any patron who can consume a reasonably portioned meal.
SPOKANE, WA—Noting the veteran sportscaster’s perseverance through such difficult conditions, 31-year-old Olympics fan Roland Keller expressed his amazement to reporters Thursday at the sheer grit and determination displayed by Dan Patrick as he engaged in several moments of small talk with NBC host Bob Costas.
LIMA, OH—Pointing at the vehicle and shrieking with delight, giddy Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Kaine reportedly pressed his face against the window of his campaign bus Wednesday to gawk at a passing horse trailer.
INDIANAPOLIS—Saying he was really starting to appreciate the group’s sound, local 37-year-old Ed Johnstone reportedly made an absolutely heartbreaking last-ditch effort this week to get into a new band.
WASHINGTON—Feeling overwhelmed and unable to take it any longer, hundreds of millions of American citizens across the country reportedly thought “I can’t do this anymore” while going quietly about their regular daily routines Wednesday.
NEW YORK—Already eagerly anticipating the team’s follow-up to their lackluster performance in Rio, basketball fans across the nation expressed their excitement to reporters Wednesday about the incredible U.S. men’s basketball team that will be put together in 2020 as redemption for the 2016 Olympics.
Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content
GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”
Just to clarify, the rest of the slideshow will be like this. You’re definitely going to get six more images of tremendously big, veiny penises here. The next photo is going to be a giant cock, followed by another huge dick, and then another, and so forth.
You guessed it: another huge cock. Look, you had to realize what you were signing up for when you clicked on this link, right? You had to.
No, we’re not going to throw in a photo of something that isn’t a giant cock in order to be clever or misleading. You are, honest to God, getting nothing but really big cocks here. That’s it.
Your persistence is admirable, if misguided given the way the rest of the slideshow will transpire. This is the cock of the guy who made this slideshow, by the way.
Okay, then. You’ve seen eight colossal cocks so far. Up for a ninth?
This is actually a drawing of a giant cock. A photo of a giant cock was used as a reference.
Well, there you go. You just clicked through a slideshow of giant cocks. That’s where your life is at right now. Enjoy your day.
