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10 'Healthy' Foods That Are Actually Bad For You

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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10 'Healthy' Foods That Are Actually Bad For You

You may think that two or three clock radios can easily make up a nutritious meal, but if you keep scarfing down plates of these things you’ll be packing on the pounds in no time.
We hate to be the ones who say it, but if you’re going to continue living a healthy life, you need to cut those brooms out of your diet right away!
Sure, swallowing a few marker caps every morning is a perfectly healthy breakfast, right? WRONG! Even a small handful of marker caps contains three times your daily caloric intake.
Before you eat Berlin for lunch today, remember that at 344 square miles, the German capital could be adding hundreds, if not thousands, of extra calories to your diet.
A box of dynamite may have some nutritional value, but overall, it’s probably better to go with an apple, pear, or tire if you want a healthy snack.
Words like “vaulted” and “steel-reinforced concrete” have long been mantras of health experts, but if you really want to lower your cholesterol, you’ll want to try your best to skimp on the bank safes in the future.
You should only eat six Alan Aldas per day.
Health experts have long claimed that a metaphysical-concept-of-fate sandwich is a perfectly healthy lunch item. Well, it turns out the central force maintaining natural order in the universe contains way more sugar than anyone imagined.
We’ve all heard that consuming a ream of copier paper is great for your figure, but the science doesn’t lie: Just a single standard 500-count package is the equivalent of eating a whole stick of butter. So next time, tell the waitress to hold the ream of paper.
Empty calorie alert! Don’t be fooled by these delicious-looking tweezers; they are calorie bombs. Eating a pair of these is sure to torpedo your diet.

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