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10 'Healthy' Foods That Are Actually Bad For You

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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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10 'Healthy' Foods That Are Actually Bad For You

You may think that two or three clock radios can easily make up a nutritious meal, but if you keep scarfing down plates of these things you’ll be packing on the pounds in no time.
We hate to be the ones who say it, but if you’re going to continue living a healthy life, you need to cut those brooms out of your diet right away!
Sure, swallowing a few marker caps every morning is a perfectly healthy breakfast, right? WRONG! Even a small handful of marker caps contains three times your daily caloric intake.
Before you eat Berlin for lunch today, remember that at 344 square miles, the German capital could be adding hundreds, if not thousands, of extra calories to your diet.
A box of dynamite may have some nutritional value, but overall, it’s probably better to go with an apple, pear, or tire if you want a healthy snack.
Words like “vaulted” and “steel-reinforced concrete” have long been mantras of health experts, but if you really want to lower your cholesterol, you’ll want to try your best to skimp on the bank safes in the future.
You should only eat six Alan Aldas per day.
Health experts have long claimed that a metaphysical-concept-of-fate sandwich is a perfectly healthy lunch item. Well, it turns out the central force maintaining natural order in the universe contains way more sugar than anyone imagined.
We’ve all heard that consuming a ream of copier paper is great for your figure, but the science doesn’t lie: Just a single standard 500-count package is the equivalent of eating a whole stick of butter. So next time, tell the waitress to hold the ream of paper.
Empty calorie alert! Don’t be fooled by these delicious-looking tweezers; they are calorie bombs. Eating a pair of these is sure to torpedo your diet.

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