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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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10 'Healthy' Foods That Are Actually Bad For You

You may think that two or three clock radios can easily make up a nutritious meal, but if you keep scarfing down plates of these things you’ll be packing on the pounds in no time.
We hate to be the ones who say it, but if you’re going to continue living a healthy life, you need to cut those brooms out of your diet right away!
Sure, swallowing a few marker caps every morning is a perfectly healthy breakfast, right? WRONG! Even a small handful of marker caps contains three times your daily caloric intake.
Before you eat Berlin for lunch today, remember that at 344 square miles, the German capital could be adding hundreds, if not thousands, of extra calories to your diet.
A box of dynamite may have some nutritional value, but overall, it’s probably better to go with an apple, pear, or tire if you want a healthy snack.
Words like “vaulted” and “steel-reinforced concrete” have long been mantras of health experts, but if you really want to lower your cholesterol, you’ll want to try your best to skimp on the bank safes in the future.
You should only eat six Alan Aldas per day.
Health experts have long claimed that a metaphysical-concept-of-fate sandwich is a perfectly healthy lunch item. Well, it turns out the central force maintaining natural order in the universe contains way more sugar than anyone imagined.
We’ve all heard that consuming a ream of copier paper is great for your figure, but the science doesn’t lie: Just a single standard 500-count package is the equivalent of eating a whole stick of butter. So next time, tell the waitress to hold the ream of paper.
Empty calorie alert! Don’t be fooled by these delicious-looking tweezers; they are calorie bombs. Eating a pair of these is sure to torpedo your diet.

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