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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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10 Jaw-Dropping Moments From The Miley Cyrus ‘Wrecking Ball’ Video

Oh, Miley! What were you thinking?!?
Not Billy Ray’s little girl anymore, now, is she?!? In the interest of full disclosure, I received some fairly difficult news last Saturday. It turns out I have been diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma. It’s been tense around here lately, but everyone’s handling it the best they can.
You want to look away, but you just can’t!! My doctor says this is by no means a death sentence. I’m fairly young, and they think they caught it early. Right now, at least, the lymphoma is not aggressive. It’s stage I, but the doctor is recommending I undergo treatment immediately. What is she even doing with that chain?!?
You know, I had just been really tired for a while. And I thought it was because I was working so hard. I love work. I love writing these slideshows. But it got to the point where I couldn’t get out of bed because I felt so weak, so Cheryl—my wife—said, “You’re going to the doctor.” That is one lucky wrecking ball!
One word: Wow. Calling my parents and telling them was very difficult. They don’t react well to things like this. My sister was great, though.
Nobody knows what causes it. It’s not hereditary. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I work out four times a week. Looks like “safety first” is the last thing on Miley’s mind! But I can’t think about that or how I don’t deserve this. Because there are a lot of people just like me who got this disease and beat it. I just have to focus on getting better. Ladies and gentlemen, Hannah Montana has left the building!
This is a photo of Miley Cyrus licking a sledgehammer from her new video, “Wrecking Ball.” You know, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried and scared. Who wouldn’t be? But I’m trying to stay strong for Cheryl and the kids. They’re relying on me.
Goddamnit. We were just starting to find our footing, too. Getting our finances in order. Eric and Amanda are starting junior high. Things were good, and then it’s like the rug got swept out from under us. Look, under any other circumstances these would be jaw-dropping photos of Miley Cyrus, but for me, right now, I’m just a little distracted. I’m sorry.
43 years old, man. Fuck.
One day at a time. That’s all you can do. That’s all anyone can do, right? Some pun with the word “twerking.”
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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