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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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10 Jaw-Dropping Moments From The Miley Cyrus ‘Wrecking Ball’ Video

Oh, Miley! What were you thinking?!?
Not Billy Ray’s little girl anymore, now, is she?!? In the interest of full disclosure, I received some fairly difficult news last Saturday. It turns out I have been diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma. It’s been tense around here lately, but everyone’s handling it the best they can.
You want to look away, but you just can’t!! My doctor says this is by no means a death sentence. I’m fairly young, and they think they caught it early. Right now, at least, the lymphoma is not aggressive. It’s stage I, but the doctor is recommending I undergo treatment immediately. What is she even doing with that chain?!?
You know, I had just been really tired for a while. And I thought it was because I was working so hard. I love work. I love writing these slideshows. But it got to the point where I couldn’t get out of bed because I felt so weak, so Cheryl—my wife—said, “You’re going to the doctor.” That is one lucky wrecking ball!
One word: Wow. Calling my parents and telling them was very difficult. They don’t react well to things like this. My sister was great, though.
Nobody knows what causes it. It’s not hereditary. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I work out four times a week. Looks like “safety first” is the last thing on Miley’s mind! But I can’t think about that or how I don’t deserve this. Because there are a lot of people just like me who got this disease and beat it. I just have to focus on getting better. Ladies and gentlemen, Hannah Montana has left the building!
This is a photo of Miley Cyrus licking a sledgehammer from her new video, “Wrecking Ball.” You know, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried and scared. Who wouldn’t be? But I’m trying to stay strong for Cheryl and the kids. They’re relying on me.
Goddamnit. We were just starting to find our footing, too. Getting our finances in order. Eric and Amanda are starting junior high. Things were good, and then it’s like the rug got swept out from under us. Look, under any other circumstances these would be jaw-dropping photos of Miley Cyrus, but for me, right now, I’m just a little distracted. I’m sorry.
43 years old, man. Fuck.
One day at a time. That’s all you can do. That’s all anyone can do, right? Some pun with the word “twerking.”
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