10 Mistakes New Parents Always Make

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education

With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:
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  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

10 Mistakes New Parents Always Make

When drawing a bath for a young child, many parents make it too hot. Be sure to test the temperature of the water by placing another family’s infant in it first.
At bedtime, parents often neglect to properly wrap up their newborn infant in enough aluminum foil.
If you’re a new parent who is always feeding your child crumpled-up balls of wet paper, don’t worry—you’re certainly not alone! Next time, though, try breast milk, formula, or pureed foods.
You know you’re driving behind a new parent when you see an infant crawling around the bed of a pickup truck.
During those crucial first few months, it’s important for parents not to lose sight of their baby even for a second. Many a new mother and father has left the room for only a couple minutes and returned to find their child replaced by ubiquitous character actor James Cromwell.
Don’t make this common parenting misstep: forgetting to remind your daughter that you are her father now, that she’s going to start a new life living with you because you love her very much, and that she won’t see her old mommy and daddy again.
Perhaps because of the adverse response it elicits from the child, many parents assume their infant is allergic to air horns. But don’t run to the emergency room, because it’s impossible for someone to be allergic to a sound. It’s important to keep looking for the actual cause of the allergy.
While many believe such behavior will not have long-term negative consequences for their child, research says it can be very disruptive to development when parents frequently fight crime in front of their newborn child.
Many new Andromedan parents try to teach their children a second language after Talimian. Unless Semil or Niburan is already spoken in the house, this will often stunt a young Andromedan’s communication skills and should be left to the appointed teaching faction.
Quite often new mothers and fathers will screw up by looking for parenting advice from a fucking slideshow.

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