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10 People Who Made No Difference In 2014

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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10 People Who Made No Difference In 2014

Josh Hammond


Despite being a law-abiding citizen and active member of his community, 38-year-old Josh Hammond didn’t positively affect the course of 2014. Not by a long shot.

Martin Randle


2014 was actually a great year for Martin Randle, just not quite great enough to make any lasting impact whatsoever.

Benjamin Snell


For the 32nd straight year, Benjamin basically just shuffled around like a giant dope.

Terry Johnson


As he’s a resident of a heavily gerrymandered congressional district, it made absolutely no difference whether or not Johnson voted in the midterm elections this year. But for the record, he didn’t.

Rachel Malone


Another year wasted for this one.

Jennifer Friedman


Not only did the 6-year-old Mt. Vernon, IL native contribute absolutely nothing to her hometown, her country, or the world as a whole in 2014, she took up resources that could have otherwise been used by people who actually matter.

Elena Diaz


How can one person make absolutely no difference for so very long?

Jared Fletcher


The 2014 news cycle, and indeed, the universe, was and will remain indifferent to Jared Fletcher.

Keith Hinson


Keith sucks.

Jonas Salk


Developed the polio vaccine a few decades ago but did absolutely zilch in 2014. Embarrassing.

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