adBlockCheck

Recent News

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
End Of Section
  • More News

10 People Who Made No Difference In 2014

Josh Hammond


Despite being a law-abiding citizen and active member of his community, 38-year-old Josh Hammond didn’t positively affect the course of 2014. Not by a long shot.

Martin Randle


2014 was actually a great year for Martin Randle, just not quite great enough to make any lasting impact whatsoever.

Benjamin Snell


For the 32nd straight year, Benjamin basically just shuffled around like a giant dope.

Terry Johnson


As he’s a resident of a heavily gerrymandered congressional district, it made absolutely no difference whether or not Johnson voted in the midterm elections this year. But for the record, he didn’t.

Rachel Malone


Another year wasted for this one.

Jennifer Friedman


Not only did the 6-year-old Mt. Vernon, IL native contribute absolutely nothing to her hometown, her country, or the world as a whole in 2014, she took up resources that could have otherwise been used by people who actually matter.

Elena Diaz


How can one person make absolutely no difference for so very long?

Jared Fletcher


The 2014 news cycle, and indeed, the universe, was and will remain indifferent to Jared Fletcher.

Keith Hinson


Keith sucks.

Jonas Salk


Developed the polio vaccine a few decades ago but did absolutely zilch in 2014. Embarrassing.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close