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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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10 Photos Of Plus-Size Models We Deserve A Pat On The Back For Running

Watch us bravely shatter stereotypes by running a photo of this full-figured woman. We are a courageous media company and should really be applauded for what we are doing here, because it is groundbreaking.
Who says big can’t be beautiful? And how deeply admirable is it that we, a news outlet, are raising such a taboo question in such an original and non-exploitative way? You gotta give it up to us.
You see, most models have a slender body type traditionally favored by mass media, but we—and only we—are willing to break boundaries and show off women who may not meet the conventional standards of beauty. We are heroes for doing this.
Another plus-size model, presented without comment. Can you believe that we’re even doing something so astonishing? Please share this slideshow and tell everyone how astonishing we are.
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. We are goddamn saints for recognizing that and making a slideshow about it.
Fucking Christ, look at how open-minded and sensitive we are for running this photo. Holy shit, you know? How special is this?
This overweight model is not white, which is also a progressive thing, and The Onion is an incredibly perceptive publication for working that point into this slideshow as well.
Once again, keep in mind that all the models in this slideshow, including this one, are plus-sized. That’s the point of this, you see. To show that it doesn’t matter to us. Do you see what we’re doing here?
Years from now, generations of Americans will remember and honor the day The Onion ran this slideshow. Historians will speak of a time when people had unrealistic standards of beauty and how this news institution changed all of that forever.
What a great slideshow, right? Just terrific stuff. Anyway, we thank you for your congratulations and would like to say that we couldn’t be more proud of what we’ve accomplished here today. This was a great one. You’re welcome.

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