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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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10 Photos Of Plus-Size Models We Deserve A Pat On The Back For Running

Watch us bravely shatter stereotypes by running a photo of this full-figured woman. We are a courageous media company and should really be applauded for what we are doing here, because it is groundbreaking.
Who says big can’t be beautiful? And how deeply admirable is it that we, a news outlet, are raising such a taboo question in such an original and non-exploitative way? You gotta give it up to us.
You see, most models have a slender body type traditionally favored by mass media, but we—and only we—are willing to break boundaries and show off women who may not meet the conventional standards of beauty. We are heroes for doing this.
Another plus-size model, presented without comment. Can you believe that we’re even doing something so astonishing? Please share this slideshow and tell everyone how astonishing we are.
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. We are goddamn saints for recognizing that and making a slideshow about it.
Fucking Christ, look at how open-minded and sensitive we are for running this photo. Holy shit, you know? How special is this?
This overweight model is not white, which is also a progressive thing, and The Onion is an incredibly perceptive publication for working that point into this slideshow as well.
Once again, keep in mind that all the models in this slideshow, including this one, are plus-sized. That’s the point of this, you see. To show that it doesn’t matter to us. Do you see what we’re doing here?
Years from now, generations of Americans will remember and honor the day The Onion ran this slideshow. Historians will speak of a time when people had unrealistic standards of beauty and how this news institution changed all of that forever.
What a great slideshow, right? Just terrific stuff. Anyway, we thank you for your congratulations and would like to say that we couldn’t be more proud of what we’ve accomplished here today. This was a great one. You’re welcome.
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