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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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10 Photos Of Plus-Size Models We Deserve A Pat On The Back For Running

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Watch us bravely shatter stereotypes by running a photo of this full-figured woman. We are a courageous media company and should really be applauded for what we are doing here, because it is groundbreaking.
Who says big can’t be beautiful? And how deeply admirable is it that we, a news outlet, are raising such a taboo question in such an original and non-exploitative way? You gotta give it up to us.
You see, most models have a slender body type traditionally favored by mass media, but we—and only we—are willing to break boundaries and show off women who may not meet the conventional standards of beauty. We are heroes for doing this.
Another plus-size model, presented without comment. Can you believe that we’re even doing something so astonishing? Please share this slideshow and tell everyone how astonishing we are.
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. We are goddamn saints for recognizing that and making a slideshow about it.
Fucking Christ, look at how open-minded and sensitive we are for running this photo. Holy shit, you know? How special is this?
This overweight model is not white, which is also a progressive thing, and The Onion is an incredibly perceptive publication for working that point into this slideshow as well.
Once again, keep in mind that all the models in this slideshow, including this one, are plus-sized. That’s the point of this, you see. To show that it doesn’t matter to us. Do you see what we’re doing here?
Years from now, generations of Americans will remember and honor the day The Onion ran this slideshow. Historians will speak of a time when people had unrealistic standards of beauty and how this news institution changed all of that forever.
What a great slideshow, right? Just terrific stuff. Anyway, we thank you for your congratulations and would like to say that we couldn’t be more proud of what we’ve accomplished here today. This was a great one. You’re welcome.

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