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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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10 Photos Of Plus-Size Models We Deserve A Pat On The Back For Running

Watch us bravely shatter stereotypes by running a photo of this full-figured woman. We are a courageous media company and should really be applauded for what we are doing here, because it is groundbreaking.
Who says big can’t be beautiful? And how deeply admirable is it that we, a news outlet, are raising such a taboo question in such an original and non-exploitative way? You gotta give it up to us.
You see, most models have a slender body type traditionally favored by mass media, but we—and only we—are willing to break boundaries and show off women who may not meet the conventional standards of beauty. We are heroes for doing this.
Another plus-size model, presented without comment. Can you believe that we’re even doing something so astonishing? Please share this slideshow and tell everyone how astonishing we are.
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. We are goddamn saints for recognizing that and making a slideshow about it.
Fucking Christ, look at how open-minded and sensitive we are for running this photo. Holy shit, you know? How special is this?
This overweight model is not white, which is also a progressive thing, and The Onion is an incredibly perceptive publication for working that point into this slideshow as well.
Once again, keep in mind that all the models in this slideshow, including this one, are plus-sized. That’s the point of this, you see. To show that it doesn’t matter to us. Do you see what we’re doing here?
Years from now, generations of Americans will remember and honor the day The Onion ran this slideshow. Historians will speak of a time when people had unrealistic standards of beauty and how this news institution changed all of that forever.
What a great slideshow, right? Just terrific stuff. Anyway, we thank you for your congratulations and would like to say that we couldn’t be more proud of what we’ve accomplished here today. This was a great one. You’re welcome.
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