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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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10 Photos That Will Make You Angry Because You Are A Strange Person Who Gets Upset At Pictures Of Wallets

All you’re likely thinking about right now is how this bifold wallet is taunting you. It’s not. You’re a psychotic individual.
You might not understand it, but the anger you feel toward this wallet for being made of leather is completely pathological. No one else feels this way. It’s an inanimate object. You are a deranged human being for feeling this way.
Okay, here is a trifold wallet. And your blood is absolutely boiling with rage right now, much worse than before. But why? Because this wallet folds in two places? Or just because it’s another wallet? Are you in therapy?
Because this wallet has a zipper, you now feel the need to punch the next person you see. Now, just think for a second: Does that make any sense at all?
Your mind is probably completely preoccupied with thoughts of rabidly tearing this snakeskin wallet into shreds with your teeth, and that makes you a very sick person.
One brief question: You know how mad wallets make you, so why did you even click on this slideshow? You remember being dragged out of the Macy’s wallet section screaming obscenities last time you went there. You remember assaulting a man when he tried to give you a business card from his tanned cowhide wallet. Why was today going to be any different?
This fruit cup is kind of like a wallet for fruit. And that somehow makes you angry too, because that’s just how your twisted little mind works.
The fact that there is a cute-looking horse on this wallet is of no consequence to you, because all you see is a wallet. If you ever came across a horse covered entirely in wallets you would murder it instantly.
The only reason you hate this wallet slightly less is because it is old and worn and thus you have reassured yourself that it will soon be dead.
Woman’s wallet, man’s wallet, what difference does it make to you? You’re out of your fucking mind.
There: A money clip. Are you happy now, you goddamn lunatic?

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