After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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10 Reasons Falling For Shameless Click Bait Makes You A Bad Mother

Being easily swayed by 1980s nostalgia is a sign of weakness. It is a sign that you lack basic maternal instincts and are incapable of raising your young.
Which do you think is more important: a list of the world’s prettiest beaches, or the needs of your kids, you uncaring monster?
Sure, this otter may vaguely resemble actor Benedict Cumberbatch. But not as much as you resemble a terrible mother who can’t even emotionally connect with her own toddler.
Reliving your favorite moments from some old TV program may seem appealing at first, but if you were an even halfway decent mother, you wouldn’t keep falling for this same click bait horseshit again and again—you’d have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and to pass that crucial life skill on to your children.
Honestly, if you care enough about photos of celebrities’ bodies to continue clicking on them, what does that say about your priorities as a human being, and more specifically, as a parent?
Furthermore, the fact that you are still clicking through this slideshow, with no apparent shame, is definitive proof that you didn’t do a good job as a mother and there’s no way to go back and do it over again.
And even if you stop clicking through this slideshow right now, you’ve already gone too far. You are an awful mother. Your child hates you.
It’s funny, you know? You always thought you would make a great mother, but the truth is that once you actually had your baby, you realized you were totally out of your depth. And you were right. We hope you really enjoy this picture of a cronut.
Go ahead. Keep clicking. You are imparting every one of your negative personality traits and detestable tendencies down to your children—anger, insecurity, mistrust—disallowing them from ever having positive lives or meaningful relationships of their own. Your child looks up to you and counts on you, and you failed them.
You should strongly consider placing your children under the care of foster parents. If you do not, then The Onion will intervene. Shame on you and may God have mercy on your soul.

After Birth

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