10 Reasons Falling For Shameless Click Bait Makes You A Bad Mother

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education

With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

10 Reasons Falling For Shameless Click Bait Makes You A Bad Mother

Being easily swayed by 1980s nostalgia is a sign of weakness. It is a sign that you lack basic maternal instincts and are incapable of raising your young.
Which do you think is more important: a list of the world’s prettiest beaches, or the needs of your kids, you uncaring monster?
Sure, this otter may vaguely resemble actor Benedict Cumberbatch. But not as much as you resemble a terrible mother who can’t even emotionally connect with her own toddler.
Reliving your favorite moments from some old TV program may seem appealing at first, but if you were an even halfway decent mother, you wouldn’t keep falling for this same click bait horseshit again and again—you’d have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and to pass that crucial life skill on to your children.
Honestly, if you care enough about photos of celebrities’ bodies to continue clicking on them, what does that say about your priorities as a human being, and more specifically, as a parent?
Furthermore, the fact that you are still clicking through this slideshow, with no apparent shame, is definitive proof that you didn’t do a good job as a mother and there’s no way to go back and do it over again.
And even if you stop clicking through this slideshow right now, you’ve already gone too far. You are an awful mother. Your child hates you.
It’s funny, you know? You always thought you would make a great mother, but the truth is that once you actually had your baby, you realized you were totally out of your depth. And you were right. We hope you really enjoy this picture of a cronut.
Go ahead. Keep clicking. You are imparting every one of your negative personality traits and detestable tendencies down to your children—anger, insecurity, mistrust—disallowing them from ever having positive lives or meaningful relationships of their own. Your child looks up to you and counts on you, and you failed them.
You should strongly consider placing your children under the care of foster parents. If you do not, then The Onion will intervene. Shame on you and may God have mercy on your soul.

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