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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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10 Steps To Creating Your Own Slideshow!

Identify the theme of your slideshow and brainstorm some images you might like to include. Silly-looking animals, attractive women, food...think of the best photos for your vision!
Set up an account with Getty Images or another stock-photo service and find and purchase the images you would like to use for your slideshow.
Write informative captions for each image using Microsoft Word or another text-editing program.
Make sure the words in these captions are spelled correctly and logically correspond to each of your slideshow images!
Start a website. Purchase and register an appropriate domain name such as theonion.com or myslideshowpage.com.
Let your website develop for anywhere from one to three years to get a solid following. Make content that people like and enjoy in order to get them primed for your slideshow.
Using PHP, Perl, or another dynamic programming language, build a script that will allow you to input and organize slideshow images through your website’s content management system. Also, build a content management system.
Upload your completed slideshow onto your site. If you don’t have a Twitter or Facebook account, STOP HERE and set those up first. Then upload your slideshow onto your site and promote it using those social media tools.
Also, hire a social media analyst capable of using web metrics to identify and incorporate those search engine–friendly words and phrases that will draw the most traffic to your slideshow.
Congratulations! You’ve just created your own slideshow. It will get exactly 15,567 page views.

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