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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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10 Things You HAVE To Know Before ‘Arrested Development’ Returns

7+3=10
The sun is hot
Pillows are bad to eat
Elijah Wood was in Flipper
Bubbles derive the entirety of their physical existence from the mathematical phenomenon of minimal surface. Bubbles typically assume a shape based on the least possible amount of surface area required containing a given volume. Bubbles are filled with air but can also contain other gases, such as carbon dioxide.
This color is red
The Thin White Duke was one of many personas adopted by David Bowie throughout his musical career, a bloodless, amoral entertainer most closely associated with Bowie’s 1976 release Station To Station
This person’s name is Ryan. Ryan is very hungry right now and would like to eat lunch.
In the English language, “facetious” and “abstemious” are the only words that contain all five vowels in their correct order
There is no God
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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