After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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10 Things Your Parents Were Right About

“When will you learn, my son? This is your world here. You must never look out upon the other side of these walls, for those in the village could never accept a hideous sight such as you.”
“In the churches, they call you a monstrosity. What do they know? They see only the scabs and the mottled flesh, not the beautiful light within you. They speak of love in their breast toward all God’s creations, but they feel only hate and scorn toward you and your form.”
“You will have your new straw after father goes to market, but for now try to sleep.”
“Oh, God, why did you give us this son? Why do you delight in our suffering? We love him, but how he tests us!”
“Yes, she is very pretty, but you cannot meet her. Why, it’s only a photograph; the real girl lives somewhere far away, and she would blanch in horror were she to look upon your face. I’m sorry, but that is just the way things will always be for you. Now, now, please don’t cry. Your tears will not erase your scars, my boy."
“Put out the candle! Put it out! The neighbors must not see!”
“Oh, my dear child, that was lovely. You play piano so well. Others may gasp or cry out when they look upon your boils and sutures, but we will always love you!”
“We will be taking a visitor from six this eve through the morning. You mustn’t make a sound; you mustn’t be known. Make haste to your garret. Occupy yourself with your pencils and eat of yesterday’s bread.”
“He’s dead! My heavens, this man is dead! Oh, my dear baby, you’ve killed him! We know it was an accident, but, no—no, this isn’t good. Don’t worry, darling, we’ll hide him away. We’ll make everything better. Retire to the garret once more and quiet your lowing.”
“Wake up! By God, wake up! The townsfolk have learned of what transpired yesternight. They’re beating down our door as we speak. You must run! Now! I’ll fend them off as long as I can, but you must get to the lighthouse! Run! Run, my beautiful boy! Run! We will always remember you!”

After Birth

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