10 Things Your Parents Were Right About

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education

With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

10 Things Your Parents Were Right About

“When will you learn, my son? This is your world here. You must never look out upon the other side of these walls, for those in the village could never accept a hideous sight such as you.”
“In the churches, they call you a monstrosity. What do they know? They see only the scabs and the mottled flesh, not the beautiful light within you. They speak of love in their breast toward all God’s creations, but they feel only hate and scorn toward you and your form.”
“You will have your new straw after father goes to market, but for now try to sleep.”
“Oh, God, why did you give us this son? Why do you delight in our suffering? We love him, but how he tests us!”
“Yes, she is very pretty, but you cannot meet her. Why, it’s only a photograph; the real girl lives somewhere far away, and she would blanch in horror were she to look upon your face. I’m sorry, but that is just the way things will always be for you. Now, now, please don’t cry. Your tears will not erase your scars, my boy."
“Put out the candle! Put it out! The neighbors must not see!”
“Oh, my dear child, that was lovely. You play piano so well. Others may gasp or cry out when they look upon your boils and sutures, but we will always love you!”
“We will be taking a visitor from six this eve through the morning. You mustn’t make a sound; you mustn’t be known. Make haste to your garret. Occupy yourself with your pencils and eat of yesterday’s bread.”
“He’s dead! My heavens, this man is dead! Oh, my dear baby, you’ve killed him! We know it was an accident, but, no—no, this isn’t good. Don’t worry, darling, we’ll hide him away. We’ll make everything better. Retire to the garret once more and quiet your lowing.”
“Wake up! By God, wake up! The townsfolk have learned of what transpired yesternight. They’re beating down our door as we speak. You must run! Now! I’ll fend them off as long as I can, but you must get to the lighthouse! Run! Run, my beautiful boy! Run! We will always remember you!”

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