11 Greatest Sports Moments Made Possible By PEDs

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Strongside/Weakside: Clint Dempsey

Despite losing the team’s captaincy after a recent incident with a referee, Clint Dempsey has propelled the U.S. closer to a sixth Gold Cup title. Is he any good?

Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris.

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

The Pros And Cons Of Paying College Athletes

As college athletic programs continue to generate millions of dollars in revenue for their schools, advocates for student-athletes have begun pushing for schools to pay their players, while opponents say that compensating athletes has the potential to ...

Greatest Undefeated Seasons In Sports History

With the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team just four games away from completing a perfect 40-0 season, Onion Sports takes a look back at the greatest undefeated runs in sports history. 1971 Nebraska Cornhuskers: The Univers...
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Good Times

11 Greatest Sports Moments Made Possible By PEDs

The Miracle On Ice (1980) In arguably the greatest upset in sports history, a group of amateur college hockey players pulled off the “Miracle on Ice” after defeating the mighty Soviet Union 4-3 during the 1980 Winter Olympics in Lake Placid. While undoubtedly playing with incredible heart and determination, Team USA could never have achieved this monumental victory without the help of anabolic steroid Ethylestrenol.
The Immaculate Reception (1972) Trailing the Raiders 7-6 in the 1972 AFC Divisional Game, Steelers quarterback Terry Bradshaw threw a pass to receiver John Fuqua, who was immediately hit by an Oakland defender and lost possession of the ball. The ball miraculously bounced toward Steelers running back Franco Harris, whose speed and reaction time were enhanced by regular doses of Danazol, and the future Hall of Famer ran for a game-winning touchdown.
Babe Ruth’s Called Shot (1932) While neither confirmed nor refuted, legend has it that during Game 3 of the 1932 World Series between the New York Yankees and Chicago Cubs, Babe Ruth injected himself with HGH in the dugout and then went to the plate, pointing to center field before hitting a home run to that very section of the stands on the next pitch.
The Catch (1982) Having taken the ball at their own 11-yard line, the 49ers needed to score a touchdown in order to defeat the Dallas Cowboys in the 1982 NFC Championship Game. With 58 seconds left on the clock, quarterback Joe Montana was chased to the sideline by several Cowboys players, but managed to throw a last-ditch pass to the back of the end zone, which receiver Dwight Clark caught with his fingertips while leaping into the air. Both Montana and Clark were artificially strengthened with human growth hormone personally administered by famed coach Bill Walsh.
Wilt Chamberlain Scores 100 Points In A Single Game (1962) Perhaps the single most dominant performance by an athlete in any sport, Wilt Chamberlain tallied a record-setting 100 points against the New York Knicks in 1962. Because the game was not televised, no footage of this amazing feat is available, but fans have long been regaled by tales of Chamberlain’s unbelievable size and speed gained from near-fatal amounts of Clenbuterol.
Hail Flutie (1984) With 28 seconds left, Boston College trailed the University of Miami 45-41 in a wild back-and-forth shootout. From his own 37-yard line and facing 30 mph winds, BC’s Doug Flutie needed every ounce of strength he gained from synthetic anabolic steroid Winstrol to throw the ball 63 yards to receiver Gerard Phelan for a thrilling game-winning touchdown.
Jesse Owens Embarrasses Nazi Germany (1936) In an incredible athletic display that meant far more off the track than on, U.S. Olympian Jesse Owens went to the 1936 Berlin Olympics in the midst of pre–World War II tensions and scores of racist Nazi propaganda. But in front of Adolf Hitler himself, Owens cheated his way to gold in the 100 meters, 200 meters, long jump, and 100-meter relay by using an early form of synthetic testosterone.
The Shot (1989) Michael Jordan’s storied career has no shortage of iconic moments, but perhaps the most memorable is the series-winning shot against the Cleveland Cavaliers in the 1989 NBA Playoffs. Jordan took an inbounds pass with three seconds left and, thanks in large part to a combination of Letrozole and Metolazone, hit a buzzer-beater to send the Bulls to victory. The clutch display would become a defining trademark of Jordan, who used PEDs during every season of his NBA career.
Major Upset At The Little League World Series (1998) During the 1998 Little League World Series, a small town team from Toms River, NJ defied the odds and upset highly rated Kashima, Japan after every U.S. player, all between 11 and 13 years old, underwent illegal blood transfusions to artificially boost their red blood cell levels before the game.
Jack Nicklaus Wins The Masters At 46 (1986) At 46, most professional athletes are long retired. But iconic golfer Jack Nicklaus went to the 1986 Masters and rolled back the years, using illegal amphetamines every day before teeing off to win his record 18th major championship.
Barry Bonds Breaks Hank Aaron’s Home Run Record (2007) Hank Aaron’s record of 755 career home runs had stood for 33 years, but Barry Bonds made history after hitting home run number 756 during a game against the Washington Nationals on Aug. 7, 2007. Bonds did not use any performance-enhancing substances, but Nationals pitcher Mike Bacsik had been suffering from severe anxiety that night as a result of taking high doses of THG, thereby losing his grip from excess sweat right before throwing the ball.