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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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12 Shocking Table Corners We Wish We Could Unsee

Ugh! Good luck erasing this table corner from our memory.
How ’bout we rewind to five minutes ago, back when this table corner had not completely ruined our day.
Get ready to dip into your savings, because this messed-up corner’s gonna need A LOT of therapy to unsee!
A lime-green Kleenex box on a diagonal angle from the edge? Nobody's visual cortex deserves this.
Quick, show us some middle of a table right now—we can’t get this hideous table corner out of our minds!
:O
A welcome reprieve from all the madness: TV legend Alan Alda.
Great, this just ruined stainless steel for us. We envy the blind.
How drunk was this table when it stepped out with a corner like this?
No, your eyes aren’t playing tricks on you. Those are water droplets. ON A TABLE CORNER. We're weeping blood.
Is this A) a table corner, B) a cry for help, C) an affront to humanity, or D) ALL OF THE FUCKING ABOVE?
Fucking weird red ball–encased candles.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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