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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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12 Shocking Table Corners We Wish We Could Unsee

Ugh! Good luck erasing this table corner from our memory.
How ’bout we rewind to five minutes ago, back when this table corner had not completely ruined our day.
Get ready to dip into your savings, because this messed-up corner’s gonna need A LOT of therapy to unsee!
A lime-green Kleenex box on a diagonal angle from the edge? Nobody's visual cortex deserves this.
Quick, show us some middle of a table right now—we can’t get this hideous table corner out of our minds!
:O
A welcome reprieve from all the madness: TV legend Alan Alda.
Great, this just ruined stainless steel for us. We envy the blind.
How drunk was this table when it stepped out with a corner like this?
No, your eyes aren’t playing tricks on you. Those are water droplets. ON A TABLE CORNER. We're weeping blood.
Is this A) a table corner, B) a cry for help, C) an affront to humanity, or D) ALL OF THE FUCKING ABOVE?
Fucking weird red ball–encased candles.
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