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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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12 Shocking Table Corners We Wish We Could Unsee

Ugh! Good luck erasing this table corner from our memory.
How ’bout we rewind to five minutes ago, back when this table corner had not completely ruined our day.
Get ready to dip into your savings, because this messed-up corner’s gonna need A LOT of therapy to unsee!
A lime-green Kleenex box on a diagonal angle from the edge? Nobody's visual cortex deserves this.
Quick, show us some middle of a table right now—we can’t get this hideous table corner out of our minds!
:O
A welcome reprieve from all the madness: TV legend Alan Alda.
Great, this just ruined stainless steel for us. We envy the blind.
How drunk was this table when it stepped out with a corner like this?
No, your eyes aren’t playing tricks on you. Those are water droplets. ON A TABLE CORNER. We're weeping blood.
Is this A) a table corner, B) a cry for help, C) an affront to humanity, or D) ALL OF THE FUCKING ABOVE?
Fucking weird red ball–encased candles.

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