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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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12 Sure Signs You Directed The 2006 Motion Picture ‘Babel’

After Babel debuted to acclaim at the Cannes Film Festival, critics compared it to your previous films Amores Perros and 21 Grams.
When you visit the Babel page on IMDb.com, your name is listed near the word “Director.”
You spent over a year shooting a film on three continents starring a diverse, international ensemble cast.
People are constantly coming up to you on the street and saying, “Hey, I really loved your movie Babel.”
Your name is Alejandro González Iñárritu.
You own a Golden Globe award for Best Film – Drama, for the movie Babel.
Every month you receive a royalty check for DVD purchases of the film Babel.
You directed Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett in the scene pictured above.
You seamlessly wove together four different storylines set in four different cultures in an intellectually and emotionally challenging 143-minute motion picture, and then called that motion picture Babel.
You would say you enjoy cinema.
You worked with longtime collaborator Guillermo Arriaga in conceiving the idea for Babel and then directed the screenplay that Arriaga wrote.
You directed the movie Babel.
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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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