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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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12 Xtreme Slides Just For Teens

Welcome to the No-Rules Zone! Sorry, Mom and Dad, you better head to bed. Things are going to start getting pretty extreme around here.
If you’re under 12 and over 19 you better exit this slideshow now! This photo of Princeton is teen territory!
If this doesn’t completely blow your mind you must not be a teen. Move along, grandpa!
Earth to loser! This slide is for TEENS only!
If your dad saw this, he would be like, ‘Whaaaa?’ But you get it. It’s a teen thing.
Pretty much sums it up. #teenlivin
Dafaq? JK. A-Ald is hella awesome. Teens know.
It’s a teens-only world! Everyone else is just living in it. B Urself!
Don’t get this slide? It’s probably because you’re not a teen. Two words: derp derp. Lololololol.
YOLO!
Well, dudes, looks like this chill teens-only trip is almost over. Hope you had an awesome time. And don’t forget to retweet.
Here’s the dopest news of all for us teens: It’s totes normal to feel upset and frustrated from time to time, but if feelings of depression or harmful thoughts persist, you should know that there’s help. You’re not alone—there are a ton of chill people and resources out there to get you back to feeling like you. Teen depression is real, but it’s treatable, and together we can beat it. w00t! I’m outsies!

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