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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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12 Xtreme Slides Just For Teens

Welcome to the No-Rules Zone! Sorry, Mom and Dad, you better head to bed. Things are going to start getting pretty extreme around here.
If you’re under 12 and over 19 you better exit this slideshow now! This photo of Princeton is teen territory!
If this doesn’t completely blow your mind you must not be a teen. Move along, grandpa!
Earth to loser! This slide is for TEENS only!
If your dad saw this, he would be like, ‘Whaaaa?’ But you get it. It’s a teen thing.
Pretty much sums it up. #teenlivin
Dafaq? JK. A-Ald is hella awesome. Teens know.
It’s a teens-only world! Everyone else is just living in it. B Urself!
Don’t get this slide? It’s probably because you’re not a teen. Two words: derp derp. Lololololol.
YOLO!
Well, dudes, looks like this chill teens-only trip is almost over. Hope you had an awesome time. And don’t forget to retweet.
Here’s the dopest news of all for us teens: It’s totes normal to feel upset and frustrated from time to time, but if feelings of depression or harmful thoughts persist, you should know that there’s help. You’re not alone—there are a ton of chill people and resources out there to get you back to feeling like you. Teen depression is real, but it’s treatable, and together we can beat it. w00t! I’m outsies!

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