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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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12 Xtreme Slides Just For Teens

Welcome to the No-Rules Zone! Sorry, Mom and Dad, you better head to bed. Things are going to start getting pretty extreme around here.
If you’re under 12 and over 19 you better exit this slideshow now! This photo of Princeton is teen territory!
If this doesn’t completely blow your mind you must not be a teen. Move along, grandpa!
Earth to loser! This slide is for TEENS only!
If your dad saw this, he would be like, ‘Whaaaa?’ But you get it. It’s a teen thing.
Pretty much sums it up. #teenlivin
Dafaq? JK. A-Ald is hella awesome. Teens know.
It’s a teens-only world! Everyone else is just living in it. B Urself!
Don’t get this slide? It’s probably because you’re not a teen. Two words: derp derp. Lololololol.
YOLO!
Well, dudes, looks like this chill teens-only trip is almost over. Hope you had an awesome time. And don’t forget to retweet.
Here’s the dopest news of all for us teens: It’s totes normal to feel upset and frustrated from time to time, but if feelings of depression or harmful thoughts persist, you should know that there’s help. You’re not alone—there are a ton of chill people and resources out there to get you back to feeling like you. Teen depression is real, but it’s treatable, and together we can beat it. w00t! I’m outsies!

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