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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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12 Xtreme Slides Just For Teens

Welcome to the No-Rules Zone! Sorry, Mom and Dad, you better head to bed. Things are going to start getting pretty extreme around here.
If you’re under 12 and over 19 you better exit this slideshow now! This photo of Princeton is teen territory!
If this doesn’t completely blow your mind you must not be a teen. Move along, grandpa!
Earth to loser! This slide is for TEENS only!
If your dad saw this, he would be like, ‘Whaaaa?’ But you get it. It’s a teen thing.
Pretty much sums it up. #teenlivin
Dafaq? JK. A-Ald is hella awesome. Teens know.
It’s a teens-only world! Everyone else is just living in it. B Urself!
Don’t get this slide? It’s probably because you’re not a teen. Two words: derp derp. Lololololol.
YOLO!
Well, dudes, looks like this chill teens-only trip is almost over. Hope you had an awesome time. And don’t forget to retweet.
Here’s the dopest news of all for us teens: It’s totes normal to feel upset and frustrated from time to time, but if feelings of depression or harmful thoughts persist, you should know that there’s help. You’re not alone—there are a ton of chill people and resources out there to get you back to feeling like you. Teen depression is real, but it’s treatable, and together we can beat it. w00t! I’m outsies!
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