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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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13 Adorable Photos Of Baby Farm Animals, But With Each Click, Another Appendage Will Be Cut Off Our Finance Director’s Body. How Far Will You Go? When Will You Let It Stop?

Aw! Look at this little guy! Doesn’t he remind you of Babe? Our finance director’s name is Rick Cerveres. If you click to the next slide, we will cut off his index finger.
Okay then. Here we go. Make way for ducklings! Aww, snuggle, snuggle! Hope you enjoyed this one, because an innocent man just had his right hand lopped off. He’s screaming and just evacuated his bowels.
“Baa! My name is Frances and I’m as soft and fluffy as a cloud!” There goes his other hand. Chopped clean off. He’s lost a lot of blood and is in shock now. Going to keep clicking?
Cutie-pie alert! Rick has a family, you know. A wife and three kids, and they may not even recognize him if you decide to click that arrow.
Here’s a little horsey that you just want to take home and pet all day! And sitting right here on the table in front of me is our finance director’s big toe. Here’s an update: Rick has passed out from the pain. We’re reviving him, though, because for the purposes of this psychological experiment, it’s best if he’s conscious throughout the torture so you’re fully aware he will suffer. Do you want to continue?
Right arm gone. These wuvable wittle bunny wabbits’ names are Floppy and Hoppy.
Left arm gone. This little guy loves running around all over the farm. Woof, woof!
You’re a real cold bastard, aren’t you? Well, here it is, a picture of a baby donkey nuzzling its mother. It’s cute, yes, but is the fleeting sense of satisfaction it gives you worth the lasting disfigurement of our finance director, Rick? We just cut off his left ear. Are you bold enough to stay in the game?
You were informed that your decision to view another image of an adorable baby farm animal would be contingent on the brutalization of our finance director, and yet you have chosen, time after time, to proceed. Interesting. Cute chicks. We cut off Rick’s penis.
We bet you’re enjoying this. You’re just sitting there at your goddamn computer going goo-goo over this teeny-tiny little furball. Rick was begging for you to stop, but we can't hear his pleas anymore because we’ve moved on from appendages and have ripped out his tongue with a pair of pliers. Do you dare make this go any further?
Apparently you do. Rick has no eyes anymore.
Might as well enjoy this tiny little lamb and whatever the hell comes next. Doesn’t hurt to carve up a dead man any further, right, you soulless pile of shit?
You sick fuck.
You did this. Not us.
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