MIAMI—In their first official meeting Saturday as Democratic running mates, Hillary Clinton reportedly pulled aside her vice presidential pick, Virginia senator Tim Kaine, and quietly assured him that in the event of her death while in office, she would continue serving as commander-in-chief.
IRVING, TX—Addressing the world’s plant and animal life directly during a press event Friday, officials from ExxonMobil vowed to bestow lenient treatment on any species that surrendered to the corporation voluntarily.
WASHINGTON—Bowing their heads as they solemnly shuffled single-file past Capitol Hill, leaders from around the world reportedly poured into Washington, D.C. this week to pay their last respects to the dying nation.
GRESHAM, OR—Poking his head into every room just to be safe, local man Kevin Lorgen reportedly checked his entire apartment Friday to make sure no one else was home before recording a song into his laptop.
CLEVELAND—After waiting for the cheers and loud chants of his name to die down, Donald Trump reportedly began his headlining speech Thursday night at the Republican National Convention by taking a moment to remind the members of his party this was their final opportunity to get out of this thing before it went any further.
CORAL GABLES, FL—Staring unblinkingly ahead Thursday night as Donald Trump’s presidential acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention played on the television in front of him, former GOP candidate Jeb Bush reportedly whispered “Low-Energy Jeb” to himself while sitting alone in the dark.
CLEVELAND—Saying their contributions had been crucial to the success of his candidacy, GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump took a moment during his speech Thursday to thank all of the fear and insecurity in the audience of the Republican National Convention for making this evening possible.
CLEVELAND—Unable to maintain control over his emotions after making the humiliating mistake, Barron Trump, the 10-year-old son of GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump, reportedly sprinted off the Republican National Convention stage in tears Thursday when he missed a note during his solo clarinet performance.
CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.
CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
CLEVELAND—Reacting reflexively to the Indiana governor’s speech while watching a live feed backstage at the Republican National Convention, GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump accidentally shot off a “Boring Mike Pence” tweet Wednesday night before he could stop himself.
CLEVELAND—In a poignant and moving address Wednesday night at the Republican National Convention, Indiana governor Mike Pence recounted the emotional story of a longtime friend of his who was aborted shortly after his second trimester.
CLEVELAND—Visibly moved by attendees’ vitriolic handmade signs and enraged calls for federal prosecution, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich told those at the Republican National Convention Wednesday that it was an honor to address a crowd that shared his extremely bizarre and unhealthy obsession with Hillary Clinton.