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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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2011's Biggest Names In Local News

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Melanie Farrell: Suburban Virginia homemaker who concernedly said “Oh dear” a record 238 times in the wake of the Japanese tsunami and nuclear catastrophe.
Darian Parker: Bravely faced down the Occupy Wall Street protestors for nearly two months on his way to and from work, heroically standing up against the masses to continue trading derivatives and currency exchange swaps at a mid-level private equity fund in a selfless effort to provide his children with sailing lessons.
Paul Bombard: Uninsured 30-year-old Colorado resident who suffered severe injuries in a car crash and who gained fame when five GOP candidates personally cited him in a debate, proudly acknowledging they would gladly see him die.
Natalia Ralph: Was one of the 11 college graduates who got a job this year.
Dustin Martell: Did his part for the nation by stealing three people’s identities and going on a frenzied electronics and high-end sneaker shopping spree that injected some $14,200 into the ailing U.S. economy.

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