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2011's Biggest Names In Local News

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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2011's Biggest Names In Local News

Melanie Farrell: Suburban Virginia homemaker who concernedly said “Oh dear” a record 238 times in the wake of the Japanese tsunami and nuclear catastrophe.
Darian Parker: Bravely faced down the Occupy Wall Street protestors for nearly two months on his way to and from work, heroically standing up against the masses to continue trading derivatives and currency exchange swaps at a mid-level private equity fund in a selfless effort to provide his children with sailing lessons.
Paul Bombard: Uninsured 30-year-old Colorado resident who suffered severe injuries in a car crash and who gained fame when five GOP candidates personally cited him in a debate, proudly acknowledging they would gladly see him die.
Natalia Ralph: Was one of the 11 college graduates who got a job this year.
Dustin Martell: Did his part for the nation by stealing three people’s identities and going on a frenzied electronics and high-end sneaker shopping spree that injected some $14,200 into the ailing U.S. economy.

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