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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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2011's Biggest Names In Local News

Melanie Farrell: Suburban Virginia homemaker who concernedly said “Oh dear” a record 238 times in the wake of the Japanese tsunami and nuclear catastrophe.
Darian Parker: Bravely faced down the Occupy Wall Street protestors for nearly two months on his way to and from work, heroically standing up against the masses to continue trading derivatives and currency exchange swaps at a mid-level private equity fund in a selfless effort to provide his children with sailing lessons.
Paul Bombard: Uninsured 30-year-old Colorado resident who suffered severe injuries in a car crash and who gained fame when five GOP candidates personally cited him in a debate, proudly acknowledging they would gladly see him die.
Natalia Ralph: Was one of the 11 college graduates who got a job this year.
Dustin Martell: Did his part for the nation by stealing three people’s identities and going on a frenzied electronics and high-end sneaker shopping spree that injected some $14,200 into the ailing U.S. economy.

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