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2011's Biggest Names In Local News

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Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Coffee Stain On Shirt Not As Big A Deal This Morning

CHICAGO—Calmly brushing off the accident that would have normally left him incensed, local man Alex Perkins, 36, told reporters Tuesday that, all things considered, the fresh coffee stain on his shirt is not as big a deal this morning.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

2011's Biggest Names In Local News

Melanie Farrell: Suburban Virginia homemaker who concernedly said “Oh dear” a record 238 times in the wake of the Japanese tsunami and nuclear catastrophe.
Darian Parker: Bravely faced down the Occupy Wall Street protestors for nearly two months on his way to and from work, heroically standing up against the masses to continue trading derivatives and currency exchange swaps at a mid-level private equity fund in a selfless effort to provide his children with sailing lessons.
Paul Bombard: Uninsured 30-year-old Colorado resident who suffered severe injuries in a car crash and who gained fame when five GOP candidates personally cited him in a debate, proudly acknowledging they would gladly see him die.
Natalia Ralph: Was one of the 11 college graduates who got a job this year.
Dustin Martell: Did his part for the nation by stealing three people’s identities and going on a frenzied electronics and high-end sneaker shopping spree that injected some $14,200 into the ailing U.S. economy.

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