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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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2011's Biggest Political Newsmakers

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Gabby Giffords: Congresswoman whose January shooting sparked a national conversation about national conversations, and whether it was worth having them. The conclusion being that it wasn't.
Mitt Romney: Spent 50 minutes every night carefully scrubbing every inch of himself clean after meeting real, everyday Americans.
Anthony Weiner: The fallout from the former New York congressman’s sexting scandal scuttled Weiner’s career and surely was embarrassing enough to prevent any other politician from ever conducting themself with so little discretion.
Rick Perry: Texas governor and Republican presidential candidate who carefully positioned himself as the anti-Romney by making no sense in debate performances, repeatedly embarrassing himself, and honing a widely disrespected public image.
Barack Obama: Really hit his stride in his third year in office, prompting a record 214 angry e-mail forwards from your grandfather about how the president was bent on undermining the economy, the country in general, and Christianity.
Michele Bachmann: Minnesota congresswoman known for her strong social conservatism as well as her kindness in providing foster care for 23 children and one closeted gay man.
Newt Gingrich: With his sudden rise to the top of GOP polls, many experts now say Gingrich could become the nation's first shit golem president.

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