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2011's Biggest Political Newsmakers

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CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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2011's Biggest Political Newsmakers

Gabby Giffords: Congresswoman whose January shooting sparked a national conversation about national conversations, and whether it was worth having them. The conclusion being that it wasn't.
Mitt Romney: Spent 50 minutes every night carefully scrubbing every inch of himself clean after meeting real, everyday Americans.
Anthony Weiner: The fallout from the former New York congressman’s sexting scandal scuttled Weiner’s career and surely was embarrassing enough to prevent any other politician from ever conducting themself with so little discretion.
Rick Perry: Texas governor and Republican presidential candidate who carefully positioned himself as the anti-Romney by making no sense in debate performances, repeatedly embarrassing himself, and honing a widely disrespected public image.
Barack Obama: Really hit his stride in his third year in office, prompting a record 214 angry e-mail forwards from your grandfather about how the president was bent on undermining the economy, the country in general, and Christianity.
Michele Bachmann: Minnesota congresswoman known for her strong social conservatism as well as her kindness in providing foster care for 23 children and one closeted gay man.
Newt Gingrich: With his sudden rise to the top of GOP polls, many experts now say Gingrich could become the nation's first shit golem president.

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