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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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2011's Most Influential People In Economic News

Ben Bernanke: As chairman of the Federal Reserve, Bernanke has once again delayed the inevitable future in which we all hunker down in our fortified bunkers and it’s kill or be killed.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn: French economist and former managing director of the International Monetary Fund whose career was briefly interrupted by the worst moment in a woman's life.
The 99%: An economic-equality movement aimed at redistributing the wealth of the nation’s most prosperous one percent, consisting of the nation’s most insufferable one percent.
His Lordship, Chesley Wealthington III: Leader of the 1%, Wealthington sparked the Occupy Wall Street Protests earlier this year with his controversial call for increased trampling of impoverished child amputees.
Warren Buffett: American business leader and self-made billionaire who has increased his wealth even in a weak economy and whose proposal to raise taxes slightly on the upper class to boost American spending on infrastructure clearly shows he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing.

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