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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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2011's Most Influential People In Economic News

Ben Bernanke: As chairman of the Federal Reserve, Bernanke has once again delayed the inevitable future in which we all hunker down in our fortified bunkers and it’s kill or be killed.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn: French economist and former managing director of the International Monetary Fund whose career was briefly interrupted by the worst moment in a woman's life.
The 99%: An economic-equality movement aimed at redistributing the wealth of the nation’s most prosperous one percent, consisting of the nation’s most insufferable one percent.
His Lordship, Chesley Wealthington III: Leader of the 1%, Wealthington sparked the Occupy Wall Street Protests earlier this year with his controversial call for increased trampling of impoverished child amputees.
Warren Buffett: American business leader and self-made billionaire who has increased his wealth even in a weak economy and whose proposal to raise taxes slightly on the upper class to boost American spending on infrastructure clearly shows he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing.
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