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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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2011's Most Influential People In Economic News

Ben Bernanke: As chairman of the Federal Reserve, Bernanke has once again delayed the inevitable future in which we all hunker down in our fortified bunkers and it’s kill or be killed.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn: French economist and former managing director of the International Monetary Fund whose career was briefly interrupted by the worst moment in a woman's life.
The 99%: An economic-equality movement aimed at redistributing the wealth of the nation’s most prosperous one percent, consisting of the nation’s most insufferable one percent.
His Lordship, Chesley Wealthington III: Leader of the 1%, Wealthington sparked the Occupy Wall Street Protests earlier this year with his controversial call for increased trampling of impoverished child amputees.
Warren Buffett: American business leader and self-made billionaire who has increased his wealth even in a weak economy and whose proposal to raise taxes slightly on the upper class to boost American spending on infrastructure clearly shows he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing.

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